The best strategies for potty training and toilet problems for kids with sensory issues, SPD, ADHD, and ASD. Help for refusing to go, withholding, frequent accidents and more!
Affiliate links used below. See our full disclosure.
Was she losing her mind?
Surely potty training isn’t that complicated. All of her friend’s kids seemed to have no more than the usual amount of trouble getting their kids potty trained.
Her daughter was now 4 and had barely made any progress. Potty training her highly sensitive child seemed impossible. In fact, she seemed scared of trying, and cried even walking into the bathroom.
She couldn’t help but wonder if this was somehow related to her picky eating and strong dislike for getting messy…
And, it just might be.
How is picky eating, disliking getting messy, and having trouble potty training linked together?
The common denominator is sensory processing.
This is just one example of the many stories I’ve heard as an occupational therapist about potty training woes and toileting issues in kids, whether they are 4, 7, or 10 years old.
Kids can have trouble getting the hang of potty training for all sorts of reasons, but sensory processing is often overlooked.
Yet, it’s a factor for a lot of kids struggling to potty train and for kids that are trained but continue to have toileting issues.
Why Do Kids With Sensory Issues Have Trouble Potty Training?
The sensory system affects just about everything we do and that includes using the bathroom.
A child has to feel the sensation that they need to go to the bathroom (interoception), they need to be comfortable sitting on a toilet, know how to release their muscles, and experience the sensations of peeing or pooping, which may be painful or uncomfortable.
Sensory processing disorder and toilet issues often go hand in hand due to these complex sensations a child experiences when they use the bathroom.
If you already know that your child has sensory issues, Autism, SPD, or ADHD and your child is having difficulties with potty training, then it’s likely that those sensory needs are affecting their ability to learn to use the toilet instead of a diaper.
Sensory issues in general are often layered because they involve 8 different senses:
- Tactile (touch)
- Auditory (sound)
- Gustatory/Oral-Sensory (taste)
- Vision (seeing)
- Olfactory (smell)
- Vestibular (movement)
- Proprioception (body awareness)
- Interoception (sensations from internal organs)
Each of these senses can be linked to kids having difficulty with toileting. Your child could be refusing or unable to potty train due to sensory processing needs from one or more of these senses.
*If you’re not sure if your child has sensory needs, grab this 21 sensory red flags printable for a quick checklist of some of the common signs.
Child Toilet Problems – Already Potty Trained!
But what if your 5-year-old refuses to poop or use the bathroom? If he’s technically potty trained but still cries every time you enter a public restroom?
Or, how about a 7-year-old that pees a little bit in their underwear before realizing they need to go to the bathroom?
While this can be very concerning for parents, it’s common for kids with Sensory Processing Disorder or any sort of sensory issues to struggle with toilet awareness and toilet problems. Your child is not alone, unfortunately it’s often not openly discussed.
And, there’s a lot you can do to help improve your child’s sensory processing or provide some reasonable accommodations to help them with whatever toilet problems they may be facing.
But first, whether your child is struggling with learning how to potty train or they have existing challenges using the bathroom you have to learn…
Which Sensory Issues are the Cause of Difficulty Potty Training or Toilet Problems?
Let’s break it down a little further by each of the senses that affects toileting:
Tactile:
- Likes the wet feeling in diaper
- Can’t feel soiled clothing or that they had an accident
- Dislikes wiping
- Dislikes sensation of peeing/pooping while sitting on toilet
- Likes to feel/touch their feces
- Is scared of possibly getting hands messy while wiping
- Doesn’t notice when their diaper is wet
- Dislikes the cold or hard feeling of the toilet seat
- Dislikes feeling of underwear or other clothing on their skin, or removes all clothing to use toilet
- Continues to feel “wet” even after wiping
- Hates washing hands
Auditory:
- Dislikes sound of toilet flushing
- Dislikes sound of fan in the bathroom
- Dislikes sound of automatic hand dryers in public bathrooms
- Dislikes buzzing of lights
- Dislikes sound of urination or bowel movements the toilet
Vision:
- Lights are too bright
- Distracted by possible bright colors, objects in the bathroom
- Difficulty discerning if done wiping
Vestibular:
- Afraid of falling in, doesn’t feel steady, secure
- Difficulty sitting still because they want to be moving
- Feels like they’re going to fall off the side, doesn’t feel balanced
- Feels disoriented with reaching around self to wipe, leaning over to pull down or up pants
- Feels like toilet seat is too high off the ground
Proprioception:
- Can’t tell where to wipe and may feel overwhelmed or confused
- Difficulty coordinating steps of wiping
- Difficulty coordinating steps of pulling down pants, sitting on toilet, or lifting lid and aiming
- Cannot climb up to seat using step stool
- Difficulty centering body over toilet seat comfortably
- Unable to “push” to go due to decreased coordination and muscle strength required
Smell:
- Bothered by general smell of bathroom
- Bothered by smell of poop or pee
- Bothered by fragrances or cleaning supply smell
Interoception:
- Doesn’t notice the internal sensation that they need to use the bathroom
- Can’t tell if bladder or bowels are emptied, so may not fully void
- Cannot differentiate between need to urinate or have bowel movement
- Is sensitive to stomach upset or cramping, and associates negativity with toilet use
- Had a painful bowel movement or urination and now fears repeated pain
Oral-Sensory:
- Constipation from picky eating that results from sensitivity to eating/tasting different textures
As you look at the above list, consider which factors may be affecting your sensory kiddo. If you aren’t sure, ask them or begin to observe them more closely and when they seem to have difficulty. Then, check out the coordinating strategies below.
Strategies for Potty Training and Toilet Problems in Kids With Sensory Issues
As you begin to narrow down why your child is having a hard time potty training, choose some of the strategies below to help address those needs. Of course, the best way to address these sensory needs is by improving their sensory processing, whenever possible.
Learn more about how to do that in my free workshop: 3 Expert Secrets to Calm and Focus Kids with Sensory Activities, this absolutely applies to sensory related difficulties with potty training.
Strategies for Tactile Toileting Needs:
- Potty train naked (works well over a 3-5 day period where you shut it down and do nothing at home).
- Potty train in tight clothing to help them feel the wetness better.
- Begin by using timers and a schedule to create “toilet awareness” and provide ample opportunity for practice.
- Put a piece of toilet paper in the toilet to reduce risk of splashes.
- Use a warm baby wipe for wiping (gradually get used to toilet paper over time).
- Experiment with different toilet seats. A softer, padded seat, may be preferred by some kids.
- Play in sensory bins regularly to get used to different textures like toilet paper (this helps to improve the overall processing of the tactile system).
- Play in sensory bins regularly so they can don’t seek out touching feces.
- Use body brushing under the guidance of an OT (also may help with decreasing desire to touch feces).
- Allow child to wear disposable gloves if keeping hands clean is a major concern.
- Use a bidet if one’s available or consider installing one like this budget friendly attachment if your child hates the sensation of wiping.
As an OT, I have heard several instances of children, mainly young girls, who hate feeling wet so much that their parents have resorted to using a blow dryer to help their child feel dry.
This is obviously a more extreme reaction of the tactile system, but is not unheard of in sensory kids. The hands and genitals have a high number of sensory receptors, so it makes sense that many children have more sensitive responses to being wet.
Using natural fibers in underwear fabric to help decrease moisture retention, allowing time to air-dry when possible, and encouraging a long-term plan of tactile desensitization through sensory play, can all help a child who experiences this to better tolerate and move past this aversion.
However, it’s also important to make sure that your child is not experiencing true urine incontinence or dribbling.
If this is the case, they are not just perceiving wetness from their tactile senses, but are actually dealing with a more complex medical issue that can be professionally addressed through specialized care.
If your sensory child seems to be dealing with frequent urination or any of these issues listed, it is worth consulting your pediatrician to rule out a medical diagnosis.
Strategies for Auditory Toileting Needs:
- Tell your child to cover their ears when it’s time to flush or you flush after they’ve left the room, although they need to get used to this sound eventually.
- Play soft music or upbeat music depending on what’s motivating or relaxing for your child.
- Turn off fan and other noises if bothered by noise.
Strategies for Vision Toileting Needs:
- Be aware of sensitivities to overhead or noisy lights. Consider a night light only or some other soft lighting.
- Clear clutter and visual distractions from bathroom.
Strategies for Vestibular Toileting Needs:
- Use a toilet seat cushion with handles like this one if your child is afraid to sit on the toilet.
- Support their feet with a stool so their knees are bent and feet firmly planted on stool.
- Try a toddler toilet that’s close to the ground.
Strategies for Proprioceptive Toileting Needs:
- Create a visual schedule for the steps of toileting to put in the bathroom (or grab this one on Amazon here).
- Teach your child to stand and wipe, which may be easier for them to coordinate.
- Practice labeling body parts, including private parts for more accurate wiping.
- For boys, use colorful tape or stickers to label where to stand to pee.
- Use a rolled-up towel behind your child, to show them how far back they should sit on the toilet seat, increase awareness and provide a feeling of security.
- Practice clothing and fastener management frequently so your child knows how to pull down and up pants when it’s time to use the toilet.
Strategies for Smell Toileting Needs:
- Ventilate the bathroom as much as possible by opening a window/turning on fan.
- Use an essential oil diffuser in the bathroom or an air freshener before your child goes into the bathroom.
- Swipe an essential oil across your child’s wrist and encourage them to smell their wrist while toileting.
- Use neutral cleaning supplies as much as possible to decrease harsh chemical smells.
- Do smell sensory activities with your child
Strategies for Interoceptive Toileting Needs:
- Describe what it feels like to need to go to the bathroom, ask your child to start noticing when they feel that way.
- Tell your child when you need to go to the bathroom.
- Choose a time frame for your child to try and go to the bathroom on a consistent basis (every 2 hours, after eating/drinking, etc.).
- Have them flush poop down the toilet with you from their diaper so they can see they had a bowel movement and begin to make a connection to what their body is doing.
- Use visual reminders, timers, phone alarms or a vibrating watch as an indicator to go to the toilet.
Strategies for Oral-Sensory Toileting Needs:
- Use picky eating strategies to increase tolerance of textures and tastes. Get a boat load of ideas in our picky eating guide.
- Encourage your child to play with their food to help get them used to new foods and expand to vegetables and higher fiber foods.
- Encourage adequate hydration to keep stool soft and decrease need to strain or push too hard.
General Toileting Strategies that are Helpful for Kids with Sensory Issues:
- Pick a time frame when you’re really going to be focusing on potty training. Try to clear your schedule as much as possible so it can be your primary focus.
- Remind yourself that potty training takes time and that for kids with sensory needs it’s usually a process.
- Be consistent about regularly putting your child on the potty. Sensory kids need a lot of repetition and tend to do best with routine.
- Keep your attitude neutral and positive as much as possible. “Share your calm” with your child when they seem overwhelmed or anxious.
- Provide as many opportunities to practice and take small steps as possible. Do not try to address all issues at once.
- Provide a basket of toys, books, and activities to help distract and relax your child in the bathroom. Here are few of my favorite books or videos:
- Build in more opportunity for movement activities in day to day life for calming, including bouncing on therapy balls, wheelbarrow walks, doing push-ups against walls or things that the child can fiddle with. This is a long term strategy but benefits sensory kids in all areas!
What to Do When Your Child Refuses to Go to the Toilet?
For many children, sensory toileting problems go so far as to keep your child from wanting to use the toilet all together.
Whether it is fear, anxiety, or overwhelm from the sensory experience, some kids, even older children at 5 ,6,or 7 years old will withhold their urine or feces and refuse to use the toilet.
Child toilet problems (sometimes referred to as toilet refusal syndrome) can be very stressful for both parent and child. It can be easy to lose sight of the underlying sensory issue when wondering “Why does my child not want to go to the bathroom?”
It can also feel like the whole ordeal is mostly behavioral. You may be tempted to think, “is my child withholding poop or pooping their pants for attention?”
After all, as adults, this is such a natural and thoughtless part of our day to day routine.
The key to answering this question is to approach your child’s concerns with empathy and compassion.
Sensory needs are real for all people, and for sensory sensitive kids, sensory issues can make the sensations involved with using the toilet frustrating, scary, or even painful.
The likelihood of them engaging in extreme seeking or avoidance behavior intentionally is low.
Instead, try to view the toilet issues through a problem solving lens.
Help, My Child is Withholding Poop!
If your child is withholding poop, are they constipated? Did they have a painful bowel movement that caused them to fear having another one?
Can you take a step back and remove one stressful component at a time while addressing another?
For example, if tactile, vestibular, and proprioceptive sensations make it difficult for your child to use the bathroom then begin by tackling them one at a time. Use the list of strategies above to decide which you’ll try first to help them.
It can feel like this all has to happen at once, but these strategies are meant to be slow and steady and many of these are long term.
Toileting with Sensory Issues in Public
Keep in mind that any public restroom or Port-a-John has a ton of different sensations that may bring new challenges for your child. Your child may make great strides at home but need more time to get the hang of it in public.
Consider carrying sunglasses, an essential oil roll on, and noise cancelling headphones if lights, smells, or sounds are triggers.
Another trick is to bring a pack of sticky notes in your purse to cover the sensor on a public toilet to ensure it doesn’t flush before you’re ready.
If you have a van or SUV, you also may want to carry a portable kids potty in the back as an option too!
Get the Potty Training Toolkit for Sensory Needs
Because potty training can be such a beast we created a huge Potty Training Toolkit for kids with sensory needs, whether they are 2 or 8 years old, learning to potty train or still struggling to use the bathroom consistently in some sort of way.
It includes a visual schedule, a checklist to figure out all the sensory needs your child could be struggling with, a detailed guide, and a tracker. Check it out in our shop!
There’s A LOT of tips you might want to reference here again…
Did you pin this?
More Help for Kids with Sensory Issues
Here’s a Method to Help Kids That Hate Hair Washing
What to Do When Your Child Is Overwhelmed at Parties and Large Crowds
8 Quick Tips for Kids that Hate Getting Sunscreen Put On
9 Tricks for Kids That Hate Brushing Their Teeth
Alisha Grogan is a licensed occupational therapist and founder of Your Kid’s Table. She has over 19 years experience with expertise in sensory processing and feeding development in babies, toddlers, and children. Alisha also has 3 boys of her own at home. Learn more about her here.
My Granddaughter just became open to be potty trained previously refused to sit on toilet screamed and cried frantically. I was able to get through this fear with timer and treats now she is excellent at wanting to wear only underwear and sitting on toilet which is amazing! Now we have a new problem she will tell us she has to poop every 5 mins and then cry’s and refuses to poop we get her down and then she repeats the same process! She tried to go to pre pre school and I had to pick her up because she did the same thing there! She does not want to have an accident so she repeatedly asks to go it is exhausting! She says why is my poop not coming yet I feel when she gets the urge she fights it and starts to cry! Please help
Hi Alexis, it’s possible her interoception sense is having trouble connecting the actual feeling of having to poop. Check out this post and see if it offers any insight. These issues are more common than you think but no less frustrating.
Best,
Laura
Your Kid’s Table team member
My son is 4 now and we are having issues with him even wanting to get near the toilet. I have sat him on it and he never uses the bathroom while sitting on it,he instead hides in a corner and poops or pees in his pull-up. He screams or runs away when we flush. We have even purchased a small potty training toilet that makes a flushing sound but he refuses to even touch or sit on it.we have sat on the toilet with him and read books and gave him treats but he only stayed for a little while then began to cry.what else should I try.
I’m looking for any advice, really. My son is turning 3 soon, and likely has ADHD – hyperactive just like I do. He seems to have a lot of the same sensory issues I have, as well. He hasn’t shown signs of readiness for potty training, so while we have a couple of potties “for fun” and to get used to, we haven’t pushed the issue. He’s also always hated taking any item of clothing off, including poopy or soaked diapers; he also hates putting clothes of any kind on (like he doesn’t like the change factor).
Well, he’s recently started REFUSING to wear a diaper. This would be great, except he also refuses to go to the potty, the toilet, or use any kind of container. He wants to be naked, and pee in smallish puddles around the house and on the furniture (he really concentrates to do this, so it isn’t just him having accidents). Today he spent 3 hours naked before my husband and I could wrangle him into a diaper (he peed on the couch and thought it was hilarious, which was my final straw).
I hate forcing him like this, and it goes badly – today he bloodied my eye trying to gouge at it because he felt so under attack. So I was crying, he was crying, we adults were begging and yelling… not the parents we want to be. This behaviour (hitting , biting, etc.) never happens outside of diaper changes. He’s not able to tell us why he hates it so much, or what has changed over the last two weeks to make a difficult task into mission impossible. It now takes both adults to hold him down and get a diaper on, which must be awful for him – it is for us.
We’ve tried different types of diapers and training undies; we’ve tried just letting him “run free;” different potties, different places around the house, that standing or sitting is okay… We’ve tried talking about it, reading about it (although honestly he can’t sit still long enough for a whole board book even), watching little videos or songs about it… No dice.
The funny (?) thing is, as soon as the diaper is on, all the fuss stops. If he’s physically hurt us, he’ll be so sorry, and often wants to get back to playing with us straight away.
Any thoughts or resources are appreciated.
Hi Sarah,
This sounds stressful, and you are not alone. With all the underlying sensory issues going on, I want to first check if you’ve taken our free sensory workshop? It has some helpful insight on how to approach sensory processing as a whole. To me, it sounds like he is struggling with his tactile sense.
Best,
Laura
Your Kid’s Table team member
My 5 year old son will pee in the toilet but will NOT poop in the toilet! He says hes afraid, i ask him why and all he says is that it wont come out, but when he gets off of the potty he’ll go to his playroom and he’ll poop in his pants. I’ve tried everything at this point and nothing will help. He started kindergarten this year and its 10X more stressful for me!
Hi Anna, my son is the exact same way right now…did it ever get better??
My almost 4 year old boy can pee on the potty but struggles to poop on the potty. I can’t even get him to sit while wearing a diaper. He knows when he needs to go and will tell me that he needs a diaper. When we ask him why he won’t sit he says it is too messy. I think there was one time that he was mid poop and we tried to get him to sit on the potty and it got a little messy so now he is terrified. Any suggestions? Thanks
Hi Valerie,
This is definitely more common than you think, but still frustrating. It is great he is articulating his worries, and it is likely that it will take a concerted effort to stay consistent with attempts. I would start by setting a goal of a few times a day that he can sit on the potty, regardless of if he “has to go.” Just to tear down the context of sitting on the potty. It sounds weird, but even asking him to sit right after he finishes can help him associate it with him. Is he letting you wipe after the diaper use? You could start doing that with toilet paper in the bathroom and putting it in the toilet along with the stool to flush. Over time, you can take a step back closer and closer to doing it on the potty as he gets comfortable. This strategy is called “backward chaining” and can be helpful for some kids. But the biggest advice is to create as little pressure as possible and build his comfort and confidence.
Best,
Laura
Your Kid’s Table team member
Hello, my son is 5years, he will use the toilet for poop but always wet himself before he wee. I always want him to tell me if he wants to wee but he always prefers running to toilet after wetting himself. Because of that when we go out and he doesn’t know where the toilet is located he always wet himself. Please any help
Hello, my daughter is 3 years old (born right at start of Covid) and we’ve been using a toddler tiny potty for potty training. She knows when her body needs to go poop and will use either the tiny potty or regular sized toilet. We hardly have potty training poop accidents…. Like twice in a year and a half. But she can’t tell when her tummy is feeling full for potty yet. We ask her to take her spoiled diaper off when waking up in morning and she doesn’t want to and will run away. It doesn’t bother her. When wearing regular underwear she only notices potty accidents as they’re happening.
We never let her watch TV until she turned 2 and over the last year she’s increasingly watched more screen time over the day and week…. We do tv “detoxes” and don’t watch anything for several days or a week and notice huge change in overall behavior but then my husband and I fall back into habit of gradually letting her watch too much TV. I think it’s caused sensory seeking behaviors when we turn it off from being over simulated…. and I’m wondering if that’s also a big factor why she doesn’t notice when she needs to go potty. Since the tiny potty is portable she would often grab it to sit on take undies off and go potty on her own when watching TV. She could sit there for hours watching tv on the potty if I let her. I’d like some advice how to heal this connection between potty training and tv. Thank you!
Hi Jalene, it’s hard to say if the potty training and tv are connected, but I will say that lots of kids with sensory sensitivities are much more sensitive to being overstimulated by screens as well. If you notice benefits from decreasing, I would definitely recommend sticking to that as much as you can. For the low perception of having to urinate, try some interoception work. It may take some time, but lots of kids benefit from a schedule and “catching” going on the toilet by just consistently keeping attempts at sitting on the potty.
Best,
Laura
Your Kid’s Table team member
My 5 years old grandson would pee be willing to pee in the toilet when reminded (some of the time) but would refuse to try poop in the toilet. He would only poop in his diaper when left alone playing with his toys for a long period of time. Even though toys are available in the toilet, he would not go to the toilet to play with his toys to poop. Please help.
Hello Hong, this is definitely a common occurrence for many kids. I would first rule out any constipation or reasoning that might be causing a negative association with using the toilet for poop. You can try some of the tips in this post regarding positioning and various toilet heights. I would also focus on keeping stool soft and keeping very consistent with attempts to sit on the toilet regularly. Though many kids take a longer time to get comfortable, he should slowly open up to it. Using music, screens if needed, and a system (if he’s motivated by reward) could also help.
Best,
Laura, Your Kid’s Table team member
My 4 year old son urinates normally and independently but refuses to go poo in the toilet. Only in a diaper, standing next to the toilet. He at least is aware when he needs to go but refuses to even sit. We had great progress at one point, even started pooping without a diaper sitting for a week and then regressed to standing again. It’s been a month since regression and we’ve tried almost everything: incentive, charts with stickers, pep talks…please help with any advice. Maybe we are just not saying the right words.
Hi Ilea, this can be common but no less frustrating when kids regress like this. I would continue to offer low-pressure situations to try. It is a great sign that he is aware he has to go and uses a diaper. Can you think of any reason this change happened? Something that scares him about using the toilet? In this case, I’d see if you can practice pulling down diaper, sitting on toilet for tiny increments of time when he has to go, telling him that he can put the diaper back on and use it when he’s ready with the goal being increasing the time he sits. Even sitting on the toilet with the diaper is a start. It sounds to me like there is a bit of anxiety going on and with repetition and gentle no pressure he will get there.
Best,
Laura
Your Kid’s Table team member
So we know our 5 yo boy has SPD and possibly adhd or on the spectrum he hasn’t been formally diagnosed but receives OT, speech and behavioral therapy through special Ed.
He wears underwear but has never been fully potty trained. He is able to announce and run to a bathroom if he needs to pee. He was diagnosed with encopresis a year and a half ago. We have a kid seat that is attached to the normal seat. We have a squatty potty for his feet. He doesn’t seem to be bothered by the sound or smells. If I catch him pushing while playing he will get mad that I’m making go to the toilet. He used to physically push stool back in or prevent it from coming out. He did say once that he didn’t know how to poop. So I’m thinking he needs to distinguish between the urge to pee and poop and how to engage and relax the right muscles but I’m not sure how to teach him that or describe it really.
I’m going to try some of the stuff in the list that we haven’t tied but I wondered if there was a way to teach which muscles to use.
Hi Elizabeth! Thanks for reaching out! Interoception can be a major factor with identifying the urge to pee or poop. Check out our blog about it here!
Best,
Kalyn
I am an OT at special school Have a12 years old learner with autism spectrum disorder but on denial. He soils and wet his pants daily. He can communicate his needs verbally. He is in the autistic class and want to go to the learning disability class as he feels he is not having autism spectrum disorder. He can comprehend .
My 6yr old daughter is managing going to the toilet very well during the day, but I am desperatly trying to find something helpful to help her stay without diapers through the night. She just sleeps so deeply that she does not feel when she has to the bathroom. Any suggestion, please?
Hi Brigitte! Thanks for reaching out! Many kiddos are able to be potty trained during the day, but still need pull ups or diapers for quite a while at night. Check in with her doctor, but many times it’s fine to take a bit longer with the night time training. Looking into addressing interoception would also be a great place to start. Making note for a week of when she typically has an accident at night can be helpful, then it might be possible to anticipate it ahead of time and have her get up to use the potty to get her body used to it. Hope this helps!
Best,
Kalyn
Thank you so much for your answer, we tried it and- we were successfull! (not yet a hundred percent, but we are making progress!) Sorry for my late answer, but I wanted to try it first. Thank you again, I am really glad for your helpful ideas!
Hi Brigitte! So glad to hear that it helped and youve made progress! That’s amazing!
Best,
Kalyn
Hi. My 9 year old has never used the toilet. He wees into a cup and then flushes it down the toilet and washes out the cup. He poos into a nappy standing next to the toilet and requires me to clean him afterwards. He gives no explanation as to why he won’t use the toilet. We’ve tried everything. He has some sensory challenges but very mild. He is otherwise very intelligent and happy. We have been seeing a clinical psychologist for 18months with no change. He used to be very risk adverse but now is confident. Just the toilet. Any discussion with him about it results in anger. Refusal to talk. Insults. And sometime violence. It’s heartbreaking. And given he is now 9, it is going to start impacting his life and friendships. Desperate for any advice or therapy options. ,
Hi Suzanne,
This is very hard and sensitive and I really commend the approach you have taken to handle it as such. Have you had any luck working on a a grading approach, in the therapy world we call it “scaffolding.” Basically, you take tiny tiny steps of removing supports in taking steps in the direction of the goal. So I would start with urination. Maybe the first step is urinating in the cup while sitting on the toilet, or urinating partially in the cup and partially in the toilet (you would decide on the steps) and move slowly in the direction as he is comfortable. There are often many layers to these things and because he is reacting in anger, it is likely deeper than we think. Have you discussed with him (in a very neutral way) what his plan is when he is out at school, without you, etc.? Not in any pressuring way, but maybe to cause him to introspectively think about it. As far as the bowel movements, I would begin by seeing if you can remove yourself from cleaning him after he uses the nappy. You can approach this from a self hygiene standpoint, preparing him for independence. Is there anything that motivates him, a reward system that might work? I would also approach this in the scaffold approach- you complete the cleaning 75%, he completes 25% for example, slowly backing off until he completes it 100% and then you can move toward using the toilet.
I know this is tough and not an easy fix by any means, but wondering if any of this approach may help. Sending love and support,
Laura
Your Kid’s Table OT
My son struggled, even did remote learning for JK ( since it was available during covid) because he wasnt toilet trained enough until approx 4.5. ASD and sensory seeker. He still sits down to pee at 5.5 no harm I figure. Just want to share how i finally learned he would not poop in toilet unless I was in bathroom with him but- where he could not see me. I guess since he got so used to hiding every time and wanted privacy. You may try standing in shower behind curtian? He still prefers this, but I know he goes himself at school. Best wishes! I hope this helps someone, know its frustrating but keep tweaking till you find what works for your individual .
Thank you for sharing what worked for your family, Sam!
Best,
Kalyn
Okay, my son is about to be 12.
He is catheterized throughout day & overnight hook up… So he does NOT pee on his own, I drain the bladder for him to put simply.
He is NOT bowel trained.
I’ve tried numerous professionals to help, I know he can do it, at this point I feel it’s more so of a “power/control” thing in his head?! He is SOOOO used to me doing EVERYTHING for him that he won’t do it.
I’m beyond burned out of this situation with no help & it’s turning into a negative for Me when I have to change him!!
PLEASE PLEASE does any1 have ANY words for me? It’s overtaking our relationship & I just do not feel like I have it in me to try but I know it’s a must bc I cannot send him to Midd school in a pull up!! Please.
Hi Shay! Thank you for reaching out and sharing some of your story— so sorry to hear about your struggles. You are not alone! Have you discussed this with his doctor? It may be helpful to inform your doctor and see if they can refer him to an Occupational Therapist, who can provide some one on one, hands on assistance with helping/teaching him to use the bathroom on his own. Or, perhaps even a child therapist, who could speak with him and help to understand his fears or resistance to do it on his own. Hope that helps!
Best,
Kalyn
Hi wondering if you have any tips for a 2 year old who has just stared potty training and become hyper aware of the sensation of needing to go and refuses to use the potty and withholding even with a pull up on? She becomes very distressed when feeling these sensations and have put potty training on hold to try and show her that the sensation’s she’s having are ok and mean she needs to go. Afraid I’m confusing her by going from potty back to nappy when she knows “wee’s in potty”
Hi Hannah! Thanks for reaching out! Definitely try some of these tips in the article, but in addition to that, check out our free sensory workshop! It contains more in-depth information regarding sensory and can help get to the root of the issue, which can then help with the potty training process and other areas of sensory sensitivities.
Best,
Kalyn
Hi I have a 4 son that is Autism, ODD and ADHD..I’m struggling really bad to get him potty trained he also doesn’t mind sitting in his feces..I’m stuck being a single mom for it..
Hi Christina! Thanks for reaching out! We understand how stressful and frustrating it can be! In general, consistency, repetition, and routine are all important factors. Him not minding sitting in his own feces sounds like a sensory issue. If you need help identifying and managing his sensory sensitivities (which can better help with potty training), check out our free sensory workshop! You can save your seat here!
Best,
Kalyn
My 3 yo daughter can always tell when she has to go poop and has always had success, but never knows she needs to go potty until it’s coming out. Then, she proceeds to get distracted and needs to grab 5 toys before we even get to the bathroom…she’s never had an issue or awareness when her pants are wet, even when she was little she’d climb in her water table fully clothed and unbothered. We start seeing an OT hopefully soon!
Hi Kaly! Definitely sounds like it could be sensory related- seeing an OT will be very helpful!
Best,
Kalyn
My 3.5 year old daughter is similar. She seems to have gotten the hang of pooping in the potty, but doesn’t seem to recognize when she has to go pee. And when I remind her it’s time to try, she cries and says she doesn’t want to/doesn’t have to go, and then will have an accident 10 mins later. So frustrating to know how to help her! We used to see an OT, but it became too cost prohibitive for us as it was not covered by our insurance.
Hi Michelle! Thanks for reaching out! We understand how stressful potty training can be. In general, consistency, repetition, and routine are all important factors. And sensory plays a big role, especially when you say she struggles to identify when she needs to pee. If you need help identifying and managing her sensory sensitivities (which can better help with potty training), check out our free sensory workshop, here!
Best,
Kalyn
Hi my name is Nisa and I have a 5 year old son who’s autistic, along with sensory issues, my son is currently non verbal and doesn’t know how to tell that he needs to go toilet but however there are signs for example standing against wall or hiding away in a corner, when he does this I take him to the toilet sit him down and he will do it with no problem for now but when it comes to no 1 wee wee, he will not sit down on the oilet and can even control his wee for almost 6 hours without even having a wet accident reason being he wants his nappy on to do the wee… I’m really depressed about this as he’s currently at school and sometimes refuses to drink water and also controls his wee for almost 6 hours… pls can someone helpnme with any strategies
My 3.5 year old son has SPD. We’ve tried potty training 3-4 times now and have failed each time. He’s super stubborn and refuses to sit on the potty despite the fact that he doesn’t like sitting in a poop diaper.
We’ve struggled to find anything to motivate him. He’s super picky with food.
We have no idea what to do. Any suggestions for a kid that is stubborn and refuses to listen?
Hi Frank! Thanks for reaching out! Potty training can be such a challenge! So many kiddos have worries about pooping in the potty. It can be pretty scary for them! One trick to encourage him to sit while he poops, is to take it slow and let him sit on the potty with the pull up on and have him poop in the pull up. Then together you dump the contents of the pull up into the potty. Once he’s mastered that, you move towards sitting on the potty without the pull up. Potty training can be really difficult for anyone, especially when sensory difficulties come into play! If you want to check out more about sensory in general, we have a free workshop that you might want to check out. Getting to the root of the sensory issue can help with picky eating as well! You can save your seat here!
Best,
Kalyn
I feel so thankful I found this post. My girl is almost six years old and has not made noticeable improvement in her potty-training skills since she was three. Sometimes she can feel the need to poop or pee, but honestly most of the time she goes to the restroom just because somebody else (mom, teacher) tells her to go. She has 4 or 5 accidents each week, from little leaks to underwear full of poop. Since the pediatrician has ruled out physical concerns and constipation, he insists it must have a psychological cause, but it does not seem to be the source to me (she is a well-adjusted child in a stable home). On the other hand, she needed therapy when she was younger due to sensory issues, extreme picky eating, difficulty starting to speak and later difficulty staying in a position for even a short lapse of time. Other than making explicit the clues that my body gives me when I need to go to the restroom and ask her how she feels before or after going to the bathroom, is there something else I can do to help her overcome this problem? I really appreciate any clues
Hi Marcela! Thanks for reaching out! We’re so glad you found us! For the first step, we would definitely recommend using the list above of the different type of sensory issues to first determine which category she falls into. You can even ask her some of these questions to see if you can get a better understanding of what she’s experiencing and how she feels. Once you’ve narrowed it down to a specific sensory issue, you can try the strategies we’ve listed in the article for each category. In general, consistency, repetition, and routine are all important factors. If you need help identifying and managing her sensory sensitivities, check out our free sensory workshop! You can save your seat here!
Best,
Kalyn
I would ask for a whole genome sequence testing, it’s scary, we are going through the same. We had our son diagnosed with ARID1B.
Wow it’s like you’re describing my six year old daughter. I see this comment is a couple of years old…were you able to find success?? I’m struggling and it’s so hard after so many years.
Glad I came across this article really struggling at the moment with out 4 year old boy. He started big boy scoop in September and was half day as he wasn’t fully ready. He was in pull ups. During witsen holidays we was asked for him to get use to the toilet and get rid of the potty and when he goes back to where pant. During this time school had been helping with the transition and was going ok few accident but he was going well. But all of a sudden he won’t even sit or stand by the toilet and try. He is slower than other with speach and also fussy with his food. If he drops his food or drops on him he doesn’t like it and needs to be wiped up straight away. I am know thinking could this be sensory thing. He hasn’t been tested for any autism or anything but schools outing things in place to see if he needs extra support.
Hey Carrie,
We’re so glad you found us! Potty training and sensory challenges can really be a struggle for some families. You’re not alone! Often discomfort with getting messy with food is sensory based. Giving him a damp wash cloth to wipe himself up during mealtimes can be a big help. Our sensory page is filled with some great articles that would be helpful for you. Reach out with any questions at all 🙂
Best,
Andrea
Our campervan broke down on side of the road and cue my 4year old needed a poo. I had a potty for her sibling. I had a brainwave…line the potty with a nappy then once poo was done everything was contained in nappy in nappy bag and potty clean to transport. Might work well for people needing to use potty in public or by side of road
Hey Tricia,
Great idea! Thanks for sharing!
Best,
Andrea
Hi my 4 year old struggles to know when he needs to wee during the day, particularly when he’s anxious or nervous. We’ve spent the last year struggling and he seems to be getting better. His main issue is interoception. How do we transition out of diapers at night. He’ll just lie in bed for hours shivering and covered in wee if we don’t do anything.
Hey Angie,
Thanks for reaching out! I’ll just start off by saying that many kiddos, especially boys, are able to be potty trained during the day but still need pull ups or diapers for quite a while as slightly older kids. Check in with his doctor, but many times it’s just fine to take a bit longer at the night time training. Looking into addressing interoception would also be a great place to start. Making note for a week of when he typically has an accident at night can be helpful, then it might be possible to anticipate it ahead of time and have him get up to use the potty to get his body used to it. This can be tough!
Best,
Andrea
Ok. Mom w two kiddos. My daughter 15 had pooping issues where she would flip n hold it now MY SON is 4-1/2. Spd. He gets his we in the potty but he stands right up n poops. No pull up during the day so in the morning he will poop in pull up when he gets up. Then I change him n have been putting a pull up on in middle of night. Now he was sitting right up on the potty but now. Not even the slightest. I’ve freaks out we have been looking for more tips tricks anything really to help us.
Hey Keaghan,
Potty training can be such a challenge! So many kiddos have worries about pooping in the potty. It can be pretty scary at first! One trick to encourage him to sit while he poops is to take it slow and let him sit on the potty with the pull up on and have him poop in the pull up. Then together you dump the contents of the pull up into the potty. Once he’s mastered that you move towards sitting on the potty without the pull up. I hope that makes sense!
Best,
Andrea
My almost 5yo can poo in the toilet and has awareness as has done many times but on the whole either stool withholds for days or poops in his pants whilst standing. I’ve tried bribery… It is shortlived!
Hey Emma,
That sounds so challenging! It may be the case that he isn’t always aware every single time he has to go. This happens a lot when kids are focused on other things. If he is holding it for days, some of these suggestions for constipation might be helpful as well.
Best,
Andrea
I’m a single mom of two boys and so glad I came across this article!! I thought I wasn’t doing something right! There were a couple of things I noticed on this list for my now 6yo who struggled (and still does occasionally) with toileting. My oldest son also had this issue when younger, but not as long.
I’ve been doing more studying on sensory connections to my 6 yo’s behavior. Having this information helps me to explain what is going on to other parents who don’t see his behaviors as “normal” (i.e., touching feces). He still struggles with pooping in the toilet, going when he notices the feeling, and wiping after pooping. Occasionally, he experiences day-wetting, but he has gotten much better.
Thanks for the info! Came at the right time for me. I’m training my just turned 3 year old now, started Friday. Pooping is a big issue. My other children pooping came easily as it’s more of a feeling you get. But this guy has control issues with his poop. And bowels are NOT regular due to his picky eating.
My tip is M&Ms. One for pee, two for poop and dry morning. Yup, Bribery. It helps, a lot. Clear jar with a lid on the back of toilet with the big bag of candy in it. These are small enough that they don’t cause a meal problem.
Hi Kelmikis,
Thanks for sharing! We’re so glad you found the post helpful! Potty training can be really difficult for anyone, especially when sensory difficulties come into play! If you want to check out more about sensory in general, we have a free workshop that you might want to check out. You can save your seat HERE.
Best,
Andrea
My almost 3 yo was sitting on the toilet mornings and evenings just fine. But he eventually started to run away when we noticed a BM starting (Bc we’d run him to go potty). And on the potty one night, he was so upset and started hitting his head. So we’ve backed off of potty training. Do you advice or insight?
Oh that sounds so tough! Some kids do get really overwhelmed, particularly by bowel movements. Sometimes starting off by dumping the contents of the diaper in the toilet with him nearby can be helpful in gettings him used to the idea. I also love using tons of potty books and videos to help kiddos be a little less overwhelmed. I hope that helps!
Best,
Andrea
What stuck out the most to me is that my already potty trained 5 year old doesn’t like to wipe him self after pooping. He is ready to learn but gets overwhelmed.nhow to help him with this?
Gloves to keep hands clean?
Hi Nikeisha,
It is so common for this to be the last thing for kiddos to learn! Sometimes using the flushable wipes can be helpful at first, it requires less wiping- which a lot of kiddos avoid at first. Another suggestion is to practice a bit when he hasn’t actually had a bowel movement. That way he can get used to the motion at first! I hope that helps!
Best,
Andrea