Do you dread washing your kid’s hair because they hate it so much and throw a total fit at any attempt to do so? Understand why your child hates hair washing and learn these simple strategies to help!
It was the night before school picture day and I was agonizing over bath time.
My 3-year-old’s hair was a matted mess, and any attempt I made to wash it over the last several months was met with hysterics. My frustration caused my patience to grow short, and my daughter was matching my emotional level with tantrums and tears.
What was I doing wrong, and why was this so hard?
The stress of how to get my toddler to wash her hair was driving me crazy.
I remember the shame I felt around my daughter not washing her hair properly.
Other little girls had their hair done up in pigtails and bows and I couldn’t even get my kid’s hair clean, let alone brushed and styled.
Bedtime routine was hard enough without the constant bath time battle, and I felt so defeated and helpless over this simple routine task.
What made hair washing so upsetting? Why are some kids so bothered by getting their hair washed, and what can you do about it?
Why Some Children Hate Getting Their Hair Washed
While it’s possible that your child developed a negative reaction to hair washing from a single accidental soap-in-the-eye event, most kids hate hair washing because there’s something a little deeper going on: a sensory sensitivity.
If that’s a new term for you, don’t worry, all people have sensory preferences and will seek our and avoid certain sensations to keep themselves regulated and grounded.
The same is true for kids, although most children don’t have the skills yet to communicate or even cope with their needs, particularly when they experience a sensitivity.
Most parents are surprised to discover that their child has such intense sensitivities. Rest assured, your child is NOT being bad, defiant, or acting out for attention.
But, their sensory system is likely overprocessing sensations they experience during hair washing.
While this can happen to any child it’s very common for kids with an Autism (ASD) or Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) diagnosis. Besides hair washing kids with sensory sensitivities can also struggle with teeth brushing, nail cutting, and hair brushing.
What’s important is to identify which sensations, and there are many during the hair washing experience, your child is sensitive to:
1. Your Child is sensitive to being tipped backwards
This is one of the most overlooked causes of kids disliking hair washing because it’s so darn easy to miss.
You may not even notice this is a problem, but it happens more often than you’d think.
A child who is sensitive to being tipped backwards feels uncertain of where they are headed, and it can make them feel insecure, unsteady, and even quite scared.
Of course, this isn’t a typical response, but it does happen with kids that have a vestibular sensitivity. Our vestibular sense controls our sense of balance and motion.
If your child gets anxious or upset when you tip their head back to rinse out their shampoo, or they claw at your hands when you tip them backwards, it’s a good indicator that a vestibular sensitivity is at least part of the reason why they hate hair washing.
The good news is there are ways to improve your child’s vestibular processing so they can tolerate being tipped backwards, as well as other simple strategies you can use to avoid this position until they are comfortable.
2. Your child is sensitive to the feeling of the shampoo or getting their head scrubbed
This is probably the most common reason that kids hate hair washing.
Some are sensitive to tactile or touch sensations in general, while others prefer specific types of touches. This means that some kids need to be touched with firm pressure because light gentle touches aggravate them.
Other times, the firm, hard scrubbing can be very uncomfortable.
Either way, it’s a tactile sensitivity that is very real, and can actually be described by some children as painful! Fortunately these sensitivities can be desensitized, and tip #1 below is a helpful solution to this particular shampooing challenge.
3. Your child is sensitive to water being dumped on their face and body
This falls into the tactile sensitivity category, too. To some kids, dripping water down their face and neck is just too stimulating to their tactile sensory systems, or they can feel like they can’t breathe. Many kids grow out of this naturally with some patience and by using some of the strategies below.
4. Your child is sensitive to the smell of the shampoo
This is not nearly as common and can often be easy to figure out, but not always. Toddlers especially may not easily vocalize their disdain for a particular scent. It’s worth trying an odorless shampoo, or deliberately selecting calming scents that your child may like.
You can even smell shampoo together in the store before you buy!
Keep in mind, your child could be having a meltdown when it’s time to wash hair due to one or all more of the reasons above. It may take some detective work to determine what your child’s hang-ups are, but once you identify the problems, you can work toward solving them.
Now, let’s talk about some solutions to overcome the fear of hair washing.
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14 Ways to Help Kids that Hate Getting Their Hair Washed
Based on what you think the underlying cause of hair washing hatred is, pick a few (or more!) of the tricks below to try with your child.
I’d suggest repeating several times before giving up on any of the tips, as these kiddos are used to hair washing being uncomfortable and they may need some time to adjust!
Put the worries aside, you’ve got this…
1. Talk about it
Sound simple? It is, but something we often don’t think to try. When it’s time to wash hair (or maybe beforehand, if your child’s anxiety is through the roof mid-bath), ask them what they think would help them deal with getting their hair washed.
My children have surprised me so many times with excellent solutions for their sensory needs that I, as an occupational therapist, would have never thought about!
2. Hold up a mirror
If your child isn’t old enough to do this on their own, you may need a helper. It can be immensely helpful for kids to actually see what’s going on, since they can only feel it. Some kids can get caught up in making funny shampoo hairdos.
A breakthrough for my toddler and her hair washing troubles came through recording a video of her completing each step and having her watch it back.
Kids love seeing themselves on a phone, and this was a simple step that can make your child feel more comfortable.
3. Hold their shoulder
I know this sounds a little odd, but this is a great sensory trick.
Using one of your hands to apply firm and steady pressure as you actually wash their hair or tip them backwards with your other hand gives them a little boost in proprioceptive input.
This can help calm them and actually decrease their tactile sensitivity for the moment.
Leaning against the side or back of the tub can help in the same way!
Another option is to provide deep pressure to the top of the head before the bath to add another layer of calming input to their body.
4. Read a social story
Social stories can be extremely powerful for kids, as they tell a story in picture book format of facing the problem of not liking hair washing and work through step by step.
Even a fictional story can empower kids to push through their sensitivity. Check out this social story on hair washing if you’d like to try this simple tip with your child.
Videos of other children washing their hair are also a powerful tool to help a child understand the process and can make it seem much less scary.
5. Dumping vs. tipping back
As you read in the section above, tipping back or dumping could be challenging for sensory sensitivities. You’ll want to experiment (and ask your child) which would be better.
It could also change from day to day.
Consider using a towel to cover the child’s face completely that you allow to get wet while pouring the water on their hair. This prevents the need for them to tip back at all if that position causes them stress.
6. A bath visor
Have you seen these visors kids can put on when it’s time to rinse their hair? It keeps the water out of their face and you don’t have to tip them back either!
I have even used snorkeling goggles in a pinch. Humor and silliness can go a long way to diffuse a stressful situation.
7. Wash sparingly
We are used to washing kids’ hair quite often, but are your expectations for this necessary?
Step back and figure out the longest your child can go before washing their hair again. Maybe every 3-4 days, even 1 time a week could be appropriate.
Can you use dry shampoo or spray detangler on the other days?
8. Break it down into small steps
As hard as it feels to repeatedly confront this battle, taking small, consistent steps to develop a routine and break down the task can lessen the expectation to win the war every time.
Focus on baby steps regularly, even every day. Will my child allow the back of their hair to get wet, even if shampoo isn’t going to happen? Consider that a win.
Can you try spray conditioner and detangle with a brush and avoid the water all together?
Can you practice leaning back and using a towel to cover their eyes?
All of these small pieces can help break down the stress of the entire process.
9. Practice- A lot!
This may seem like a no-brainer, and even contradictory to the suggestion mentioned above to wash sparingly.
But toddlers, especially, are notoriously fickle creatures, and being consistent to present opportunities to succeed and catch them on a compliant or flexible day can make all the difference for building tolerance over time.
Try to make hair washing less of an ordeal, and you may find that your child is suddenly more adaptable to it as part of the routine.
Like many things in life, consistency is key.
10. Use no tear soap
For kids that are worried about getting soap in their eyes, no-tear shampoo formulas can be a life saver.
11. Pretend!
Gather dolls and/or animals either during or outside of bath time to pretend washing others’ hair. This can help create a positive association for the negative experience it’s been!
12. Give them something to look at!
As we have mentioned before, tipping the head back can be the underlying problem for children, and following this direction can actually be confusing and scary for them.
Try placing a sticker or picture on the shower wall or ceiling to give a concrete visual cue for your child to focus their attention while you wet their hair.
Providing a separate sensory stimulus, in this case, visual input, can distract them and help de-escalate their stress response.
This strategy is called “grounding” and can be very effective in managing anxiety.
Telling a child “look up at the smiley face” is a lot more tangible of a direction than “lean your head back.”
13. Give it time
My daughter’s picture day came and went, without getting her hair washed.
But guess what? It was okay.
Give yourself and your child some grace and time to work through learning to tolerate washing their hair. While it may seem like a simple routine task to us, the whole process can be very upsetting to some kids.
As much as we wish we could solve the problem overnight, this is rarely the case.
The small, patient attempts to help your child adjust really can add up to making bath time stress-free
14. Do calming sensory activities before bath time
This is an advanced strategy, but it can make all the difference, especially if you’ve tried some of the other tips already.
The idea is that you give them the opportunity to do a sensory activity that helps calm them down, or balance their sensory system.
Which activity works will be different from child to child, but could be anything from jumping on the bed or a small trampoline, swinging, running up/down the steps, having some quiet time, etc.
This is the essence of a sensory diet. If that’s a new term to you, check out What is a Sensory Diet to learn more.
And, if you want to learn how to help your child with all their sensory needs then don’t miss our once-a-year FREE 7 day sensory challenge! It’s packed with lessons, worksheets, and even some sensory toy giveaways.
That’s 14 different tips and strategies, many of which you can start using today to help your child begin to accept, tolerate, and maybe even enjoy getting their hair washed!
More About Sensory for Kids
Sensory Tricks to Help Your Kid Fall Asleep Fast!
60 Printable Sensory Diet Cards for Kids to Thrive
What is Sensory Integration Therapy, Does Your Child Need It?
100+ Awesome and Easy Sensory Diet Activities
Alisha Grogan is a licensed occupational therapist and founder of Your Kid’s Table. She has over 17 years experience with expertise in sensory processing and feeding development in babies, toddlers, and children. Alisha also has 3 boys of her own at home. Learn more about her here.
This is a great article! My son is 3 and while he does like to take baths he does not like to be washed. He’s particularly sensitive about his hair and ears being touched. I’m able to do it about once a week. He has seborrheic dermatitis on his scalp, behind his ears and around his hairline. I feel awful like I’m not doing my job as a mother keeping him clean. He thrashes around so much when I try I’m afraid he will hit his head on the tub which is porcelain. I never thought about being tipped back! He does have a fear of of it but I never put 2 & 2 together. We always lay him down slowly and on his side for diaper changes or when he’s going to bed. I will try the mirror trick. I have tried using different pressure as I think he likes a strong touch but perhaps reading a social story at the same time will help. He’s just started really talking so maybe he can tell me what he wants. He’s on a waiting list to be assessed for ASD. My heart goes out to any parents that are going through these battles with their children. You just want to help them but you don’t know how!
Hey Amy,
Oh we’re so glad to hear that our article was helpful for you to problem solve what might be going on during bath time. It really can be so tough for families when kiddos have these challenges. If you’re looking for more info on sensory, our free workshop would be a great place with more suggestions. You can save your seat HERE.
Best,
Andrea
My 3 year old daughter has been experiencing some sensory issues. She has been seeing a Feeding Therapist and Occupational Therapist for a little over a year now. She is in the process of getting therapy for speech as well. My daughter has less than ten foods she eats. Being in feeding therapy, there have been times where she would put her tongue on a little of the food to hopefully kick start her food intake. Although it’s progress, she still hasn’t gotten any better. My child is still on milk. With her getting tired of eating the same foods, she often looks for milk and will yell while throwing a tantrum until she gets it. She was referred by her Feeding Therapist to the Occupational Therapist in hopes of helping her with eating and responding to different textures. My daughter also has sensitive ears. A drop of a spoon or if a car goes by when she’s outside makes her close her ears and yell out. Although she can talk some, she gets VERY MAD when I can’t understand what she wants. She gets so mad that she starts to cry, yell, and hit herself in the head. I do everything I can to get her to calm down, but she fights me at times. I do all I can to keep her calm but it doesn’t always work. It hurts to see my child acting this way and I’m doing all I can to help her. I shed tears sometimes because I don’t know what to do. I’m using the tools that is taught at therapy but most of the time, it doesn’t help. At this time, her Pediatrician is sending her to a program called “Babies Can’t Wait “. She thinks that my child may have a mild case of Autism. I’m praying that it’s not true but I know that something is not right with my child. My prayers goes out to anyone experiencing problems with their child and doing everything possible to make sure that he or she gets the help needed. It is so hard seeing your child going through this everyday. God I’m praying that this program with the help of her Pediatrician and therapy gets her where she needs to be because it’s a lot.
Hi Sherika,
It can be so difficult when our kids have sensory processing challenges. It sounds like your child’s doctor and therapists are a great support to you. We are glad you’re here. We have tons of information on picky eating. We also have a free sensory workshop. It might be a great resource for you to check out. You can save your seat HERE. Feel free to reach out if you have any questions!
Best,
Andrea
Its seems you are just writing my story,,all of these symptoms in my 3 yrs old girl and yes she has been diagnosed with ASD,, hopefully therapies help our kids,m also so worried,,
Hey Sara,
Big hugs! Sensory challenges and ASD can be challenging for sure. You’re not alone. So many other families are right there with you. If your looking for more resources, our free sensory workshop would be a good place to start. You can save your seat HERE. Let us know if you have any questions.
Best,
Andrea
So I have read it all. My son is in total meltdown when he has his hair washed. Refuses to put goggles on anything that goes on his head basically. His whole body shaking. We have offered him to it himself, looking on the mirror. He is happy to put the shampoo on. But anything after that is a big no no. We don’t wash his hair often as its too traumatic for him and us parents we do talk about it. I do believe he has a sensory disorder and school have noticed this too. Cutting his hair is a very big challenge. Someone please help.
Hi there! Thanks for reaching out! We understand how frustrating and stressful sensory issues can be- you are not alone! You can try to make it more fun, try to do play with washing animals/dolls/toys to see if that will help desensitize him and make him feel more comfortable with the idea of bath time. If you’re looking for more resources, our free sensory workshop would be a good place to start. You can save your seat here!
Best,
Kalyn
My son has all the same issues with the hair washing and he says i pull his hair, but the biggest problem is worrying about getting soap in his eyes. I try to let it go as long as I can. He cannot stand the way soap feels on his hands and that’s a big issue for me. Any ideas? He avoids washing them and I can’t stand it.
Hey Sheila,
We understand how hard this can be! You can try the bath visor as listed in the article, it may help him feel more calm about getting the soap in his eyes. As for him touching the soap to wash his hands. I’d trial a different variety of soaps as well as looking at something to wash them with like a cloth or sponge to see if that helps him. You can try to do play with washing animals as well to see if that will help desensitize him.
Best,
Desiree
My 3 year old foster son was sprayed in the face as a baby and now is terrified of water in his face. Bath time is ok but hair washing is horrible! The fear in his eyes and panic is terrible! I’ve tried everything! Please help
Hey Peggy,
Thanks for reaching out! If he seems okay with water now, I’d work on imitating that same head position with tilting his head back outside of the bathtub to see if he is okay with that. You can then slowly start to add some water during this play outside (changing the bathtub scenery) to help him get used to it!
Hope that helps!
Best,
Desiree
My daughter is 8 y/o was diagnosed with autism and down syndrome. She is deathly afraid of water to where I tried several methods to wash her hair she grabbed onto me and pulled my left which tore my shoulder ligament two years ago. I have tried washing her hair in her bedroom, getting into the bathtub with her, laying her on the counter (which caused the shoulder injury), replacing the faucet with a detachable nozzle, and so forth and so on. Her dad and I try to tag team and hold her tablet in front so that she is preoccupied with something. I have read some of the comments and the one where the child is wearing goggles might be a good option. She does not like the beach nor waterparks; bath time is ok as long as we are not washing her hair. Any other suggestions will help tremendously.
Hey Kira,
Sorry this is so hard for you, but we get it! I know there are suggestions in the article for you. Have you tried just working on allowing her to have her head tipped backwards. This is discussed in number 1 in the article, but it may be the feeling of that. So utilizing a mirror and working on her allowing to have you tip her head back without the use of water may be helpful!
Best,
Desiree
My grandson is terrified of getting water in his eyes during bath time and swimming. He refuses to go underwater swimming any suggestions in getting him acclimated?
Hi Wendy,
That can be a really tricky thing to work through! If the water (especially the pool water) seems to hurt his eyes, you could always work on getting him to tolerate goggles. Another thought is to keep a towel nearby so he is able to wipe his own eyes when he feels like he needs to. We also have a post on summer sensory activities that would be great to check out to keep encouraging him to work through any sensitivities he might have!
Best,
Andrea
Our daughter hates having her hair washed, she is non verbal autistic with sensory processing disorder. She is 11 with a cognitive ability of 1 year old. We only wash her hair every 4 days, it is a complete struggle and causes her to become extremely violent to us and herself. We have tried many times all that you suggest but to no avail. She enjoys having her hair dried but not the washing. We only have a bath tub, however when we go swimming she enjoys standing under the shower, however if we start to wash her hair will act in the same way. Really struggling here.
Hi Sam,
I’m so sorry you are struggling with this!! Have you tried to locate what part she is not liking? ie: tipping head back, the touching of scalp, smell, etc… I’d try to locate what the problem area is, and then slowly try to work on that. If you know its the tipping head back you can work on tipping head back outside of bathtimes to work on this, etc.
Hope this helps!
Desiree
she hates it all she just starts screaming and writhing in the bath tub as soon as she knows what is happening. To start she self harms biting and throwing her head back, she is so slippery and therefore trying to hold her is almost impossible. When she gets out she runs naked for the door as she wants to escape. She hates the hair being brushed so much and I wonder is it would be wise to have a pixie cut some how so that there are fewer knots, I Amat witts end with it all
Hey Sam,
So sorry you are having difficulties, we know how hard it can be! Hopefully you can utilize some of the tips in the article to ease the transition to working on washing her hair. I’d try to start with some pretend play of any dolls, etc so that she can see the process. And also walking through washing hair dry while not in the bath may help identify which part of the hair washing she is not enjoying.
Best,
Desiree
My granddaughter gets knots in her hair because she want let me comb it or wash it , it looks alful. I don’t know what to do.
Hey Joyce,
Thanks for reaching out! I’d use the same tips for working on hair bushing that are listed! Making sure she knows that you understand, providing her with a mirror talking her through it, etc can be really helpful!
Best,
Desiree
This information was very eye-opening, thank you very much.
I’m glad you found the information helpful
What helps children frightened of having their hair washed is :
Talk on a day when there is no hairwash planned.
Spend time taking with your frightened child. Let your child know you sympathize with his or her fear.
Buy some bath puppets and a squeezy sports cup and show how they work
to keep soap and water out of their face. using kitchen sink
Say you found a better way to wash hair
Introduce the bath puppets
Allow your child to play with the puppets. Keep a couple for you
Say the puppets will be doing all the washing and rinsing because of they are better at it
Demonstrate using the puppets and squeeze bottle at the kitchen sink.
When it’s hair wash night make sure you have time to take your time. Don’t rush.
Remind that this time things will be fun and water shampoo will not go in their eyes.
Keep your promise. Use squeeze a wash cloth or sports bottle to wet hair and direct it all away from child’s face. Let the puppets do all the scrubbing and be really gentle.
Do wolf or coyote calls to rinse hair. Do them together and lead by example
Make some soap creations with your child’s hair by using your imagination. Ask what kind of ears or antlers they would like. Use the squeeze bottle again to rinse hair
Does this take longer? A little but you make up for it by your child not being scared and not screaming! Try it out! Be creative!!!
Thank you for this post! My son hates having his hair washed (3yo) and we’re trying to get to the bottom of it. Seems to be afraid of water being poured over his head, but loves the splash pad. So not sure what it is.
Are you tipping his head back? It could be that aspect of it (see the post for more details if you suspect. It could also be the worry that soap is going to get in his eyes?
Swim mask! Life changer for us. Now it’s no biggie!
That is brilliant! Thank you for sharing!!
The visor wasn’t helpful when my son was young, but when a friend suggested wearing swimming goggles, I was ecstatic. My son John wore swimming goggles for 3 years in the bath or shower, and these allowed us to wash his hair, and him to eventually wash his own hair independently. He stopped using the goggles on his own and is fully functional in the shower.
Just FYI – he had difficulty adjusting the water temp (would scald himself), so I found the correct temp and marked the position on the faucet with red nail polish. That was super helpful too.
Thanks Sher for sharing your story! Those are two really great ideas!