Tantrums during meal time can leave you feeling drained and frustrated, but there’s a way to stop mealtime tantrums and teach your toddler or child to come to the table for meals without all the drama!
When I talk about picky eating, teaching babies to eat, or simply how to teach your child how to eat well, I always share the advice to eat meals at a table. Sounds simple, but it’s not always easy.
Some kids and toddlers not only refuse to come to the table, but they have a full out tantrum at mealtime!
And, tantrums are hard on everybody. If you’re like me, the noise alone just grates on your nerves making it nearly impossible to think straight let alone keep your cool.
This stress can cause many families to turn to distractions, eating in front of a screen, or other ways to cope, in hopes of a peaceful meal at the end of the day. And believe me, I get it!
I get asked all the time:
“What should I do when I tell my child they have to come to the table and they throw a tantrum disrupting the whole meal?”
Or, “My 1 year old, 15 month old, 2 year old screams through dinner, what do I do?”
Or, “Why is my toddler crying when eating?”
Those are good questions, let me answer…
Why Do Kids Throw a Tantrum When It’s Time to Eat?
Understanding why our kids throw a tantrum goes a long way in our ability to help them when they’re yelling and throwing themselves on the floor. It helps us be more patient, kind, and set appropriate boundaries.
And, why kids tantrum at the dinner table is no exception. These are some of the most common reasons tantrums typically happen before or during a meal:
- They Don’t Want to Eat: Unfortunately, it’s often the case with kids that are struggling with picky eating. They may not like what’s being served and are freaking out at the prospect of having to sit so close to food they’re not interested in, let alone eating.
It can be easy to adopt the mindset that you must break them of this picky eating, but the reality is that most picky eaters have a real reason for not wanting to eat that’s totally legit.
Eating is hard for them. And, they’re in the fight or flight mode when faced with this challenging task. If they’re tantruming, your child has chosen fight. To understand more head to Why Kids Refuse to Eat, there are 5 big reasons!
- They are Looking for Some Control in Their Life: If your child isn’t a picky eater, and tantrums are a regular habit, it’s possible that they’re looking for some control in their life. Kids don’t have a lot of freedom.
They go where they have to and are expected to do as they’re told. Eating, sleeping, and using the bathroom are the only areas of a child’s life that they have complete control over.
Think about it, you can’t actually make them eat, sleep, or pee! I’ll talk about how to give your child a sense of control in a minute.
- They are Overly Tired: This is a common culprit, especially among toddlers. They can be playing at full speed one second and then suddenly be exhausted. It’s easy to miss the transition, but any time a child is too tired, there’s a high risk for a tantrum.
But, don’t dismiss older kids being tired too, they’re good at hiding it. A poor night’s sleep, going to bed too late, or chronic insomnia can have a massive effect on their mood.
- They are Starving: I know this sounds rather contradictory, but after a certain point of being hungry, kids will just lose it. Once that happens, their adrenaline spikes because they’re in the heat of the tantrum.
Adrenaline is an appetite suppressant. So, even though they really need to eat, they aren’t feeling too hungry anymore. If you’re child throws a tantrum out of nowhere, or it always happens after a long stretch between meals, this could be the cause!
- They Can’t Sit Still: Some kids have a REALLY hard time sitting still, for lots of different reasons. For kids with sensory needs, hyperactivity, or special needs, sitting still throughout a meal can seem almost impossible.
But, there are work arounds and it’s okay to think outside of the box. It may go against your grandmother’s manners, but sitting a ball or a wobble cushion can provide a calming sensory experience and make a huge difference when it comes to food refusal or meltdowns at the table.
Those are just a few ideas though, check out How to Keep Your Child Seated at Meals for more.
The Toddler Mealtime Tantrum
While I mentioned toddlers a bit in the list above, they are in a category all their own because the average toddler (1-3 years old) has a lot of tantrums.
Or, a 1 or 2 year old might cry while they eat their meal.
Tantrums absolutely come with the age, but mealtime tantrums often happen with these tots because their attention span is tiny. They live in a chase the shiny object world. Sitting down for a meal and being strapped in can seem like punishment when they have so much to explore!
Besides being busy, toddlers also have irregular appetites, which makes parents crazy. One meal they sit down and eat two plates of food and then they seem to go for days with barely taking more than a bite.
Frustrating? Yes.
Normal? Completely.
Toddlers growth slows down significantly after the mega accelerated growth that happens as babies. They actually need less calories once they turn 1.
All of these factors make it difficult for a toddler to want to come to the table when it’s time to eat, and their response is a tantrum!
How to Handle and Dinnertime Tantrum
So, what do you do about it? For the average tantrum, you’ll first and foremost want to be calm. Take a minute to discreetly squeeze a pillow or take a few deep breaths, whatever helps YOU!
Being calm yourself is the best way to diffuse the situation, and it’s hard!
Then you have two options:
1. Ignore Them: This works best for mild tantrums, and I encourage you to pair this with redirection because just ignoring it will often just stoke the fire. It might look something like this…
- “Hey Sam, did you want the airplane or car fork tonight.”
- “Mrs. Smith told me that you made a fuzzy elephant in school today, how the heck did you do that?“
- Walk up to them, look into their eyes, and in a gentle voice tell them you have a special job for them (i.e. Bringing food to the table, passing out the napkins, pouring drinks, etc.)
- “Oh, dinner is actually going to be a few more minutes, can you pick out a special book for us to read when it’s over?”
2. Remove Them From the Table or the Room: Calmly tell or help them leave the eating area to another space nearby or to their bedroom. This is not a timeout and shouldn’t be treated as one.
Instead, simply tell them that they can come back to the table when they’ve calmed down. If this is a reward for them because they don’t want to be at the table, then say something like, “It’s not okay to yell/whine/scream at the table.
Take a minute to calm down, and then come back. “It’s your choice if you eat, but coming to the table without yelling isn’t.”
If your child has a hard time with new foods, smells, etc. it’s okay to make some accommodations for them. Maybe the sausage can be moved to the other end of the table? Or, they use a divided plate to eat?
If you suspect this is what’s going on, work with them. Even ask, “What would help you sit at the table calmly with us?” The answer might surprise you and be an excellent solution.
Keep in mind that 30 minutes is the max any child should sit at the table, and 10-15 minutes is appropriate for younger kids if they’re done eating.
Lastly, know that this takes practice. You aren’t always going to get it “right”. That’s okay. You’re trying and that makes a huge difference. Remember tantrums are hard on everyone.
5 Ways to Prevent Mealtime Tantrums
I think it’s even better if you can head off those tantrums though. It’s not always possible, but these 6 tips could prevent a tantrum before it ever get’s started:
- Give a Warning: Heck, you might want to give them several. If they’re busy playing, this is crucial and a great way to set yourself up for an easier time. You want to say: “5 minutes until we eat.” Or, “It’s almost time to eat,” for younger kids.
You could even yell out some play-by-plays, “I’m slicing up the fruit,” “I’m putting your food on the plate,” etc., as the minutes pass by.
- Make Sure They’ve Been Active or Have Had Some Space: If kids have been cooped up in a car or watching TV for a while, sometimes it’s difficult to transition to sitting at the table for what seems like a long time.
Try to allow for some free play or running around before meals, particularly if you have an active child. Or, if your kid gets overwhelmed easily, they may want some time alone in their room or in a sensory tent where they can relax.
- Do Not Pressure Them to Eat: When we pressure our kids to eat through the try it bites, clean plate club, begging, rewarding, distracting, and more, we’re setting up this negative or disconnected experience with meals.
Using pocket phrases like “I know tonight we aren’t having your favorite food, maybe we can have that tomorrow!” Gives them an idea that they are part of the process but not pressured to eat.
Stopping the pressure around food can have a drastic and immediate effect on tantrums at meals. Head to the Best Picky Eating Tip to learn more.
- Give Them a Choice: Remember how I talked about kid’s lack of control earlier? Well, giving them some small choices that don’t really matter can help them feel like they have some control. You may want to ask them:
- “Do you want to eat in 10 or 20 minutes?”
- “Do you want the red cup or the blue one?”
- “Would you like to eat in this chair or that one?”
- “Should we have broccoli or cauliflower tonight?”
It’s important that they have a choice, don’t leave it open ended, like: “What vegetable do you want to eat?” That’s giving them the chance to answer: “none”.
How you phrase these questions is key. Also, avoid big choices like, “What do you want to eat for dinner?” It’s your job to pick what to eat, just make sure there’s one food served that they typically eat!
- Choose Something to Help Them Transition: Think about an object that they can carry like a stuffed animal, maybe that sits in a different chair or nearby. Or, maybe you hop to the dinner table? These serve as a bridge from one activity to the next!
Learn 8 tricks for helping toddlers and kids with transitions!
- Schedule Meals and Naps Accordingly: Always be aware of when your child needs a nap and has last eaten. Try to schedule meals so they’re 2.5-3 hours apart from the last one. This will help prevent them from getting to hungry!
What About Extreme Tantrums?
Very severe toddler mealtime tantrums, or in kids at any age, are often called meltdowns. And, meltdowns are in a category all their own. Although the 5 tips you learned can help prevent them as well.
Meltdowns are when a child is irrational, flailing, and can’t be talked to. In this instance, you want to keep your child safe and wait for them to de-escalate. If possible, move them to another room so they aren’t disrupting the rest of the family.
The middle of a meltdown is not the time to try and teach your child anything. Just support them. This could be giving them space, it could be hugging them, or holding them on your lap and rocking them.
AFTER they’ve calmed down is when it’s time to talk about what they were feeling and some strategies to help prevent it from getting to that level the next time. It’s hard work, but will pay off in the long run.
Now you’re armed with lots of understanding and quite a few ways to not only deal with tantrums, but how to stop them in their tracks.
I want to hear from you! Tell me in the comments which tip you learned that’s going to help with the next mealtime tantrum in the comments below!
More Help for Picky Eating Mealtime Struggles
Want more strategies to prevent tantrums and help keep your child seated throughout meals? Click here to get this free Keep Your Child Seated printable.
More Mealtime Tips for Kids
Turning My Picky Eater Around: An Easy to Follow Plan
The Best Position for Your Child During Mealtime
Fun Plates, Forks, and Other Cool Stuff that Get Kids to Eat
19 Nutritious Bedtime Snacks for Kids
Alisha Grogan is a licensed occupational therapist and founder of Your Kid’s Table. She has over 19 years experience with expertise in sensory processing and feeding development in babies, toddlers, and children. Alisha also has 3 boys of her own at home. Learn more about her here.
Unfortunately, none of this works with our son. He is incredibly picky and will not try any new feeds. This limits us to what we offer because he will not try anything new. When we ask him if he wants, for instance, Macaroni and Cheese, he says yes. When its time to sit down and eat, he refuses to take a single bite and has a complete meltdown. This is almost every night. It is wearing on us as we are simply at the end of our rope. None of the tactics work with him. He is 4 and half now. Our two year old daughter is better, will try new foods and never throws a tantrum, just pushes the plate or bowl away if she doesn’t want it. I really just don’t know what to do at this point.
Hi John, it can be incredibly frustrating. Have you taken our free picky eating workshop? It would be helpful to identify what the underlying cause is of the picky eating in order to begin addressing it. Let me know if you have more questions and we can take it from there!
Best,
Laura
Your Kid’s Table team member
My 13 month old is not a picky eater at all… his favorite meal is vegetable curry. He throws extreme tantrums because he constantly wants food. I feel like it’s more of a missing out feeling over actual hunger. He wants to have everyone’s food. We give him plenty of food but when he finishes before we do, he freaks out. Even after he has had a second plate. He eats more than my husband and I do and is over 100% for height and weight, off of a mostly vegetarian diet. His pediatrician is not concerned but it is so daunting for us. We can never just enjoy our food because he scarfs his down and then throws a tantrum. If we go to a restaurant and we are meeting someone who orders an appetizer then the tantrum starts right when we get there. There is no reasoning with him because he doesn’t understand since he is only 13 months. We just have remove him from the table. We would almost rather he be picky.
Hi Sharlee,
This can definitely be stressful. Toddlers are exceptionally good at listening to their hunger cues, so it is possible he is just a very hungry kid, but it definitely sounds like he has a connection between eating and tantrums. Have you tried any oral sensory input outside of mealtimes to see if he is possibly oral sensory seeking? Doing some of these may help meet his need for oral input so that he eats slower and doesn’t throw fits over food in this way.
Best,
Laura
Your Kid’s Table
Your website has been very helpful. I am glad to have found it but do have some questions after listening to the webinar about 3 keys. Last night we made the family meal and my 26 month old did throw the tantrum when she saw her plate (we placed her crackers currently the only solid she will eat along side a small serving of roasted green veggies, chicken nuggets and sweet potato fries and grapes.) I ignored the tantrum and talked with my older two in a happy tone, she eventually climbed into my lap and watched me eat and grabbed off her plate. The biggest confusing thing for my whole family is that until a couple weeks ago she would eat and try most everything maybe not fruits and veggies, but she would eat chicken, pizza, macaroni, scrambled eggs. A couple weeks ago she started chewing and spitting things out, it got so bad we offered her suckers and candies, cookies to figure out if it was taste or texture and now she is refusing pretty much all foods! Has no interest in candy just accepts her yogurt and crackers. Going on 2 weeks now and says no to it all. One night she got so tired I thought we were getting worse. Last night we realized we couldn’t switch the yogurt brand on her, it’s ridiculous. I am going to stick to this dinner routine of no pressure eating, same meal, snacking is no longer an issue because she has zero interest in eating. I know all kids are different but I have yet to hear about a good average eater turning this extreme. I will continue to read your advice.
Hi Jayne,
Thank you for being here and you are certainly not alone! What you’re describing is common, though very frustrating and stressful as a parent. Glad you started the webinar, and those principles are definitely the foundation for how to address picky eating. As you are starting to see things worsen, I want to first address what you said about the brand of yogurt. Check out this article on food jags to learn more about this and get some ideas for how to keep this from happening. Meanwhile, you’re on the right track with sticking to the plan, using no pressure, and giving her lots of opportunity to approach these foods on her own terms.
Wishing you the best, you’re on the right track!
Laura
Your Kid’s Table team member
This is a great read but, I kept thinking the entire time I am trying to deal with a 21-month-old that doesn’t understand everything yet and can’t quite communicate fully. Maybe he knows more than we think he does but trying to not give into letting him eat anything he wants is extremely difficult when he continues crying and screaming for the banana over and over. Do we just not feed him? It’s so difficult and frustrating… he wants to eat and seems hungry get some self ready at the table but then when he sees what’s on his plate and it’s not what he wants he has a complete meltdown. He doesn’t do this daycare but I think he thinks we are just going to give him snacks and cookies… Which he does get from us but it’s always after he eats dinner. It actually makes me feel worse that I can’t calm him and take his attention away from that and successfully bring him back to eat real food. Hopefully it’s just a phase… or maybe my expectations are too high since all of our friends feed their kids hotdogs, chicken fingers and fries. Maybe I understand a little better now.
Hey Lauren,
Toddlers go through a naturally picky stage right around this time! You’re not alone in these struggles. They’re just starting to test boundaries and mealtime is a time they often do that. It can be helpful to serve at least one food you know your little one likes during mealtime and snacktime, even just a small amount. Sometimes that can be helpful in diffusing the initial tantrum. Our free picky eating workshop is also a great place to start. You can save your seat HERE!
Best,
Andrea
Thank you for a great read. All the comments are helpful too. I’ve been struggling with my 16 month old lately and I’m not sure if this level of tantrum at this early age is normal. This is my second son and I thought my first son was hard. This one puts meal time chaos at a whole new level.
It is not just meal time that he suddenly starts to throw tantrums but it almost always happens during meal time. If he sees something in the kitchen that he wants to eat (like a piece of fruit on the counter) and he doesn’t get it that moment, tantrum. If he’s offered water when he wants food, tantrum. If we are eating/drinking something he can’t have (alcohol or spicy food), and he can’t try, tantrum. So we are having to forego our own dinner until the 16 month old is in bed, having to hide items that might trigger him. And by tantrum I mean throwing spoon and fork, throwing food or dropping food on purpose, throwing his body right and left in the high chair and cry. We’ve been having to remove him from high chair and put him in his crib for a minute or two at a time the last 2 weeks or so at almost every meal. Sometimes he comes back to resume eating, but most of the time it doesn’t stop. Eventually, he eats most of his food (which makes me to wonder, so why the fuss!?). It usually takes 20-30 minutes including these ‘time outs’. He goes to daycare during the day and the teachers do not notice anything wrong. So he just does this at home.
The whole family is exhausted.
Hi Tammy,
Oh goodness, we know it can be so challenging! Toddler tantrums during mealtimes are really common. Trying to stay neutral during the tantrums can be helpful in the long run. We have a post on Tantrums During Mealtimes that might be helpful.
Best,
Andrea
My almost two year old (23 months) has been STRUGGLING hardcore with transitioning to solid foods. We attempted to start her on baby food at 8 months, she gagged herself and threw up every time we attempted to give her the food. We have her seeing a speech therapist, and although she has progressed since the 4 months she’s started, I worry about her nutrition and how I as a burnt out parent can create a more positive experience for her. I try to encourage foods at home as well, but feel I get nowhere and make her experience worse. Is this issue more behavioral? Do you have any further recommendations as to what I can do? Thank you!
That sounds really difficult, Melanie! You might encourage her to start feeding herself a bit. That way she feels more in control of the situation. We also have a post on oral sensory sensitivity that might give you some more ideas. Feel free to reach out if you have any questions!
Best,
Andrea
Hi, my daughter is slightly different in that she says she is starving and quick to the table but she throws a tantrum because I haven’t cooked what she wants. (I cook kid-friendly food she likes and separate it telling her to eat just what she wants), but she is getting fussier every day. I don’t mind if she doesn’t eat, as she eats so much during the day I’m not concerned, but she won’t just skip it and gets super aggressive.
Hi Madison,
Having your child scream at dinner time can be really tough for everyone! You might try adding in a food that you know she will eat to the dinner meal. It can be something simple like goldfish crackers (or anything else she routinely eats). You could also try to let her take the food she does want and put on next to her plate on a napkin (when she moves the food herself, it works as extra expose to the food). We also have a post that is filled with ideas of how to respond when she says she doesn’t like foods. You can check it out HERE. I hope that helps!
Best,
Andrea
My child isn’t a picky eater she will eat almost anything yet every meal time for months she goes in a huffy tantrum starts pushing s things slowly pretending her legs don’t work or her tummy is sore then a kind of wailing sound over and over I can’t understand why she’s doing this ruining every meal time and the stress it’s causing me is enormous. She is an angel child but every so often goes in these little tantrummy huffs and I think she is actually angry by the way she is behaving not looks less sad and more angry? Why is she doing this meltdown. Help
Hello my 20month old is going through a phase where he seems really hungry (as he asks to come to the table) and then when he sits in front of his plate he starts eating things and as soon as they are in his mouth he tongues them out and starts pushing and throwing the plate and going in full blown tantrums or even meltdowns. We sometimes manage to get him out of it by taking him in our arm and making him try again some pieces and telling him he normally really likes this and when he calms down he then eats everything. But we’ve had episodes where it just escalates and escalates and we just don’t understand what to do, and have to put him to bed (it happens especially for lunch which normally happens before his nap so we assume he is really tired). He has quite a broad range of things he likes, we follow your tips with meals every 2.5-3h, different options always including one food he likes, trying not to pressure him etc. But recently he seems to not even want to try himself and goes in panic very quickly even with foods he normally loves. Any tip on how to handle this and understanding of what could be going on?
Hi Ophelie,
We understand it can be really tough when meltdowns happen at the table! That’s wonderful that you’re spacing meals, rotating foods and keeping meal times positive! It sounds like maybe your little one might be having difficulties with the sensory aspects of the different foods. It might be helpful to start brushing his teeth, gums and tongue on a regular basis. That can help desensitize the mouth a little. We also just opened up our free sensory workshop. You can save your seat HERE! I hope that helps get you started!
Best,
Andrea
My 3 year old grandson is the pickiest eater I’ve ever encountered. All he wants is processed foods like chicken nuggets and pizza rolls. No fruit, no veggies, nothing with any real nutrition. He absolutely refuses to try new things and throws an enormous fit at meal times. We try to eat very healthy in our home with lots of good stuff from the garden and lean meats, fish, poultry, etc…but he absolutely won’t touch it. His mom started giving him the processed foods to get him to eat so he wasn’t starving and now that’s all he’ll eat. He’s making meal times miserable and he’s not growing well because his eating habits are terrible. He literally will starve before eating something he doesn’t want to try and we tested that theory by only serving him what we were all eating for each meal and he didn’t eat anything for almost 36 hours. I’m tired of cooking two different meals every night and I’d love to see him eating something besides junk. Suggestions?
Hey Danielle,
We totally get it and hear it all too often! We understand where you are coming from and know how hard it is! Our first step that we do recommend is removing all pressure away from the mealtimes. This can help a child be more relaxed at mealtimes. We do walk you through this as well as other strategies in our free workshop for picky eating! It’s a great place to start! You can save your seat HERE
Best,
Desiree
Thank you for this !
My 3 year old has taken dinnertime to a whole new level of awful ( she’s never been great at dinner ) .shes an extremely picky eater ( has gotten much worse) and very tantrum prone / strong willed . It’s just nice to read something that’s describes and addresses her specifically behavior !
You’re so welcome!
I’ve been reading all your tips on how to teach babies to eat, and until now, my 10-month old was doing great. She was eating purees right on time, and then learned how to drink from a sippy cup, a straw and a real cup, as well as food pouches. She picks up finger foods and small table foods pretty well and eats them. She was even grabbing the spoon and putting it in her mouth. But in the past week or two, we’d tried some of the other recommended finger foods with her meals, like the corn curls “crunchies” and yogis, as well as more table food. As recommended, I tried to approach each meal with a spoon fed food and some finger foods. Now, she refuses to eat anything I serve her except for finger foods like crackers, corn curls, yogis, and whatever I’m eating. Not very good nutrition, and sometimes she can’t eat what’s on my plate! She refuses to eat anything off a spoon, even something as tasty and simple as applesauce. She won’t even taste it. She hates the sight of it. If I force a little taste, she still won’t take it off the spoon. And less flavorful puffs that she used to love now get pushed onto the floor. And when I try to serve healthy fruits and veggies as finger foods, she won’t eat them or spits them out. What is happening, and how can I get her to eat again?
It’s so frustrating, I get it! It’s normal at this age to want to stop purees. But, it sounds like she’s really loves the carbs and crunchies, so I’d try to expand on that. Do you think she could handle grilled cheese cut up into cubes yet? Or how about toast with hummus on top? Check out this list of table foods to get some inspiration.
I’d also, as strange as this sounds, brush her teeth 2-3 times a day, get all over her tongue and gums when you do. This improves the sensations she’s feeling her mouth!
Thanks for your all your tips. My 21-month old grandson eats lots of meals with my husband and me. He is generally a good eater but has recently decided that spitting food out of his mouth is hilariously funny. I do remove him from the table when he starts, saying firmly, “Spitting is not nice!” However, the behavior has not subsided. Do you have any other suggestions?
My 21 month old has been spitting his drink out or throwing food as well! Must be something to this age? I’ve been trying to remove the food and drink when he starts doing it because I’m assuming he’s done. Sometimes I’ll remove him from the table right away, too. My problem is though that it seems like he is still hungry or gets hungry shortly after and he starts trying to get into the fridge. Every time I offer the dinner food it gets thrown, though. 21 months seems young to let them go to bed hungry though, perhaps?
Oh, spitting, that makes me crazy too! I would also try to give it very little attention, still remove him, but act like it doesn’t bother either of you!!