Learn how to use the division of responsibility to help improve picky eating, whether you have a toddler, kid, or teen. Plus, strategies to implement this picky eating strategy.
How many different kinds of picky eating advice have you heard in trying to help your kid eat more?
Or, maybe you’re a feeding therapist trying to figure out how to help the kids you work with in their treatment sessions.
As a pediatric occupational therapist that has worked with hundreds of kids on improving their eating (aka the picky eater), and a mom that has walked this with one of my own picky eaters there’s one essential strategy that I almost always start with:
This mysterious and often unknown strategy is: NOT PRESSURING YOUR KID TO EAT.
While it certainly is not always an easy thing to put into practice, this one concept is the foundation that all of my other picky eating expertise and advice is built on.
But, it is simple and it’s based on evidence from Ellyn Satter’s great body of work and research, which she compiled in her famous Division of Responsibility.
It’s true that without any other strategies in place that the most extreme picky eaters may not “eat new foods” for years, but more often I’ve witnessed kids, let down their defenses and start to get curious about food.
Sometimes trying something new days, weeks, or a few months after the DOR is implemented.
With my own son, I layered on strategies, after establishing the DOR as a base. It was important to address the underlying cause and use some advanced strategies to help him explore new foods (without pressuring him).
I used this picky eating plan and watched him make incredible progress with eating new foods.
If you’re skeptical, let me first say that I totally get it. But there is a lot of research behind this strategy, and I’ll try to make it clear why I and many other feeding specialists have adopted this as the best outlook for getting kids to eat.
First, we need to talk about why pressuring kids to eat is so harmful to their eating habits, then I’ll tell you all the hidden ways we pressure our kids during meals, and what you can do instead.
Why Pressuring Kids to Eat Can Make Picky Eating Worse
Before we get into the nitty gritty here, as always, I want to remind you that I respect and encourage parents to make decisions for their child based on their gut, knowledge of different techniques, and their child’s individual temperament.
I REALLY do feel like this is one of those super important strategies that works across the board, but some parents won’t be comfortable with it and that is okay. I hope you can take this information and apply it in a way that works for you and your child.
In fact, maybe your child is in feeding therapy and their therapist is taking the opposite approach?
While it is becoming less popular, it’s true that many therapists use a behavioral approach (i.e. take a bite of this and then you can have this candy/video/preferred food).
I can appreciate the value in this approach and some families feel this is the right strategy for their child, I totally respect that. The behavioral approach is very black and white and sometimes can get quick results.
Although, the results don’t always last. Meaning that overtime the child’s eating reverts.
But, this article is not meant to shame or guilt you into using the “no pressure”. If you have concerns, discuss them with your therapist, leave a comment here, or consider seeking out other opinions.
Here’s the thing though, when some kids (often picky eaters) feel pressured to eat they often feel they need to protect themselves further and close themselves off from being open to new or different foods.
For a variety of reasons (I call these underlying causes of picky eating). they have already decided that eating some foods is not for them, the pressure factor for parents and other well-meaning adults builds their brick wall up further and further.
It creates an environment that closes off the opportunity for exploring new foods, the opposite of what most parents want.
Imagine a food you REALLY don’t like, we all have at least one. For me it is olives. Now, think about having a plate of that food in front of you and someone you love and trust getting really angry or upset that you don’t want to eat it.
Or, maybe they don’t get upset, but beg you to try a bite? Would that work, would you want to eat it then? Maybe, they even throw in a treat, “If you have three olives, I’ll give you a cookie?”
How would you feel? Motivated or aggravated? Depending on your child’s temperament, they may oblige and maybe you would too, but many of us would get aggravated and defiant as a result.
Pressuring Kids to Eat Can Have Long Term Effects
Even if your child isn’t a picky eater, or they do give in to the pressuring tactics and it seems successful, as parents we are teaching our kids to ignore their own internal cues for appetite.
Picky eaters often have decreased awareness or sensitivity of their interoceptive sense, which controls this, so pressure actually worsens this issue.
This leads to over-eating, under-eating, and/or an unhealthy relationship with food that can last a lifetime. In fact, most of my generation was brought up on pressuring tactics. We had the clean plate club or weren’t allowed to leave the table until the food was gone.
We were given dessert as a reward for a well eaten dinner, and many of us now look to food to console us when we are bored or have just had a bad day. Get out the pint of ice-cream, you deserve it, right?
I’m not trying to blame our parents. I’m just saying that we are sending a big message to our kids when we pressure them to eat, and those messages will shape their relationship with food throughout their whole life.
How Adults Pressure Kids to Eat
Well, pressuring kids to eat comes in many forms. One of my favorite feeding books, Helping Your Child with Extreme Picky Eating, talks about this extensively.
If you’re interested in an easy read geared towards parents that fully explains the loads of research that support not pressuring kids to eat, I highly recommend this book. I’m not going to go into as much detail, but let me share some examples:
- “Broccoli is good for you, just have a bite.”
- “I just made this whole dinner for the last two hours, the least you could do is eat some.”
- “Take three licks of the carrots and then you can have more chicken nuggets.”
- “Take a bite of the pot roast, and I’ll put a sticker on your chart for that new toy you want.”
- “I’ll let you watch the iPAD if you eat your dinner.”
- “If you just eat the rest of your potatoes, you can have a cookie for dessert.”
- “Oh, YAY!!!!!!!!! You had a bite of apple!!! Whoop! Whoop!”
- “Your brother is eating the food, take a bite like he’s doing!”
- “You are too old to be this picky!”
- “Carrots are healthy! Don’t you want to grow big and strong?”
These are just a few examples, but I think you are starting to get the idea. If you are bribing, rewarding, distracting, begging, shaming, coaxing, or even praising your child for eating new to get them to eat, then you are pressuring them.
The praising aspect of pressure is usually most surprising to parents.
But research shows us that kids usually feel pressured when they are praised because it is either putting the spotlight on them which some kids don’t like, or it’s setting an expectation that they have a hard time living up to.
If you really want to acknowledge what your child has done, try to wait until the end of the meal and make a comment in passing. Although we want to give them praise, they actually don’t need it when it comes to eating.
Instead, we want to teach them to be intrinsically motivated. Remember how I mentioned many people in my generation seeking out food for emotional comfort? Being praised for eating can make it more likely to pass this down to your child.
But when a child is in control of making the choice to eat, they are much more likely to have a neutral and healthy relationship with food, which is the ultimate goal, right?
What is the Division of Responsibility (DOR)?
If this is a brand new concept to you, it can be a lot to wrap your head around. It goes against what our parents did, and the advice of many family members.
It’s a complete perspective shift.
If you decide to go this route, you will likely have people think that you are being a push-over. But, not pressuring your child to eat doesn’t mean that you don’t provide structure, routine, and some rules around meals.
Ellyn Satter, who has completed a TON of research on this topic says, “The parent is responsible for what, when, and where [the child eats]. The child is responsible for how much and whether.”
Meaning, we decide when and what our kids eat, and they decide if they are going to eat it or not.
If this totally freaks you out, look at our whole picky eating guide for how to establish routines, structure, and other picky eating tips!
Satter has a famous one page document called the Division of Responsibility, that clearly lays out the roles of parents and children in eating. I encourage you to take a look!
How to Improve Picky Eating- What to do Instead of Pressure
Now let’s talk about how you implement the DOR practically.
Because it is not fair to run to put a plate of lasagna in front of your kid and say: “It’s your choice if you eat or not”, if they have never had it or refused it many times.
Or, you might be thinking that your child would never try something new if you just give them free reign over whether or not they eat.
The last thing I would want is for your child to eat when, where, and what they want. Deciding those terms is the job of the parent. The child’s job is to decide if they are going to eat it or not.
To follow this strategy it is imperative that your child be on a feeding schedule and that at least one food be given they prefer at each meal.
But, if you serve that lasagna with some bread (which they love) and maybe a side of fruit, then it’s totally fair. Especially because you’ve made a routine that allows their hunger to build.
They should eat every 2.5-3 hours with nothing in between but water. If they have access to food whenever they want it, they will likely not eat anyways.
Eating at the dinner table, and ideally eating family meals together (having the whole family together helps with modeling new foods!), will have a big impact on their success at meals and are a good idea.
Grazing and eating in front of the TV regularly, also sabotage this strategy. If this is a problem, learn tips for decreasing distractions while eating.
But, really I highly recommend watching my FREE Picky Eating Workshop to learn more about these other key strategies. It will take everything you’re reading here to a whole other level!
Help! What if My Child Refuses to Eat Anything?
This is a valid concern, and one I hear time and time again from students in Mealtime Works, our Picky Eating Course. There are some instances when this is a genuine concern, and in these cases the child should be in the care of a team with a specific feeding plan in place.
If your child is on their own growth curve, then they are probably eating enough. We tend to over analyze what our kids eat, and their caloric needs are significantly less than ours. It can be hard to let go of the control or worry, but I encourage families to try this for a month and see what the results are.
If you are able to put this structure in place and they then refuse to eat, then, yes, you allow them to not eat. Honestly, there isn’t much you can do about it anyways, but spin your wheels, cause major anxiety, and power struggles over your child trying new things.
How Much Preferred Food Should You Serve?
When you first begin the DOR, your child may be interested in only eating the food they like that you serve. So in the example above with lasagna and bread, should you just keep serving unlimited amounts of bread if your child requests more, or stick to small amounts and wait it out?
Ellyn Satter would say yes, give them as much bread as they want, and that would be truly following the Division of Responsibility.
I know this is hard for a lot of parents, and I personally feel there is some gray area here, but parents need to tread very cautiously because putting any restrictions on food is a quick slip into pressure.
With my oldest, who doesn’t have any eating issues, and eats a wide variety, I will occasionally give a prompt for him to eat some more of his food before he just has more bread. I know he eats these foods, I don’t give a specific quantity or make a big deal about it.
I’m also careful to not turn this into a reward, but technically I am pressuring a bit. However, I don’t get into power struggles over this or monitor his intake closely.
At the same time, if he or my selective eating child have things on their plate they don’t typically eat, I don’t ask them to eat it. I will use other strategies like, changing up the food they are refusing by cutting it into a different size or shape or by giving a dip.
Picky Eater Toddler Strategies
You may be wondering at what age you can start implementing this DOR strategy.
This concept can be difficult with young toddlers, and I think there is some leeway, but you can absolutely begin the structured mealtime routine and decide the menu when your children are quite young.
In some ways it’s even more important in these early impressionable years. But don’t beat yourself up if you have an older picky eater and are just now trying this strategy.
Keep in mind that toddlers are notoriously inconsistent eaters, this comes with the territory. Your job is not to freak out (I know easier said than done) and trust that they are following their internal cues.
By the time your child is 18 months to 2 years old, you should be able to totally follow this approach completely without having to maybe grab something extra part-way into the meal if they aren’t eating.
More Help For Picky Eating Using the DOR Strategy
How does splitting the responsibility of eating with your kids make you feel?
It can be a tough adjustment when you were raised differently, and truthfully, it can be hard to give up some of the control. Believe me, I know!
But allowing your kids to take an active role in mealtimes can have some major payoff. And the good news is, you don’t have to do it all. Think of picky eating like a partnership between you and your child.
Grab a free list of how I structure meals that also includes 25+ picky eater meal ideas. We’ll send it right to your inbox!
Keep Reading About Picky Eating Strategies
My Child Won’t Eat Anything But Junk Food
10 Extreme Picky Eating Red Flags that You Need to Know
Feeding Red Flags for Babies and Toddlers
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This is so helpful. I think I stumbled on the beginning of this idea. I noticed that when I was trying to get my daughter to eat something new, she would refuse as long as I was watching her. As soon as I gave up and started focusing on my own meal, she would start to eat what was in front of her. So now I always give her time to explore new foods on her own.
Yay, that is great Jean! THanks so much for sharing, it will be helpful to others!
Hi Alisha Im at witts end with my 4 year old he doesnt eat ,well he jasnt been eating for the past few years.When he was few months old he started being picky and I tried all new different meals he wouldnt eat it.He gets sick alot now lately was hospitilised and a few days later his sick again.I think his immune system is weak because of not eating.i have tried everything,i feel sad most of the time because im worried about him.please help me I dont know what to do anymore….
Hi Hidayah, I’m so sorry! I completely understand how stressful this is. There are often a lot of layers to eating problems and it needs approached one step at a time. If you haven’t already click the start here button in the menu bar, you will find A LOT of direction there to get you started. No matter what keep giving him the other foods, eat with him, and keep on a schedule. Don’t allow him to snack in between meals. Also, don’t pressure him to eat, let him play, get messy, explore. He needs to just start learning about the food, looking at it, touching it, smelling it. All of that is progress! Give this a try and look at the links then let me know if you have any more questions!
It hasn’t been going well for a while in our house. My husband works long hours and I suffer from Major Depression, extreme high anxiety and bad health. These factors, especially my anxiety, causes my two sons (2,5 and almost 5) to act out.
They throw temper tantrums, make “devil faces”, refuse to do things, etc. Sometimes a scheduled mealtime just happens to fall into their acting out time. Then they will refuse to eat anything but keep on whining for crackers, peanuts, etc.
I try to keep meal times relaxed. I make sure they sit properly in their toddler chairs at their toddler table. I sit with them and eat my food. The problem is that they then want to eat my food out of my plate instead of theirs. Due to my high anxiety I find it extremely difficult to eat myself so I get angry (irritated) when they want to eat the little food that I can actually get into my own body.
I’ve tried walking away and washing dishes while they eat. Sometimes it works and they eat a little. Other times they whine until I sit with them and then they don’t even eat their food.
Another major problem is that my husband forces my sons to eat. He will open their mouths and put the food in, scream at them, etc. We’ve had a lot of fights about this. I always lose because a lot of times (especially during holidays) I’ve been too sick to give them food myself. If I question him, he screams at me or just leaves the room and leaves me to deal with the children (even when I physically can’t)
In the week I fetch the kids at 17:00 and feed them – so I try to keep it relaxed. I really like the idea of adding 1 food to a meal that they can eat. But that is basically cheese or fish fingers. I don’t like feeding them processed food but we can’t afford to eat “nice fish” every day.
What I want to know – will it be okay if I put a piece of cheese on their plates every night for weeks? I know cheese is a source of protein but I’m scared that they will then only eat the small piece of cheese and none of their other foods.
When they don’t eat properly they have mood swings and wake up several times per night.
I know the eating problem may just be a symptom of their underlying emotional issues. I am working with a team of specialists to improve my health but it will take time – and that means that my sons’ emotional behaviour will continue.
I do try to spend quality time with them and play with them on the floor. I give a lot of love and hugs. When things get bad I do a lot of holding time. So I’m trying to work on the underlying issues – so that we can later get to solving food problems.
It takes forever and sometimes I feel hopeless in my current situation. So I’m wondering what I can do NOW to help my kids to eat?
Good news: I pack healthy lunches with lots of little snacks and most of the time they eat most of the food at school. They also eat cereal in the morning. It’s dinner I’m worried about.
Hi Karelien, First of all thank you so much sharing your story, how brave you are. There are many other parents reading these comments, and your story may help them. It sounds like you have a wonderful things going and are really headed in a good direction. What I want you to do is always make sure they have a preferred food, ideally the same thing so it doesn’t seem like you are catering just to them. It is totally fine to give them a slice of cheese with dinner, even if it doesn’t really go with the meal, but I wouldn’t do it every single night… use that for nights you know they aren’t going to eat the rest of the dinner too well anyways. If the nights are really bad with them waking though, I would say it is worth giving them the cheese, you have to pick your battles. If you are following this no pressure approach then you wouldn’t pressure them to eat anything else. Some families need something more concrete and their kids respond well to some boundaries like “you can have some more cheese after you have some rice”. This isn’t my first choice but for some families they prefer that, and I respect that. I would say follow your instincts on those boundaries. Let me know if I can be of more help.
My now 4 yr old son has “front-loaded” his calories for 2 years, meaning he ate non-stop until about 2 pm and then would not touch a bit after that. Consultation with doctors and dieticians decided that this was fine as long as what he WAS eating was nutritionally balanced and give him more protein in the morning as he was missing out on that at dinner. And still offer him dinner with the rest of the family. But boy was that frustrating as parents. No amount of the tactics you list above could get a single bite in his mouth! Finally after 2 years he is starting to come out of this. And what did it take from us as parents? NO PRESSURE. We make dinner. We put the plate in front of him. If he eats 1 bite, great. If he eats the whole plate, great. If he doesn’t eat anything, whatever, he’ll eat tomorrow. So yes, this tip WORKS!
We all know that there is no one correct way that will suit every child. And, to be honest, I have found that the pendulum swings both ways on this one. When my son was starting solids the advice was not to force, then he started at child care and for years was offered food every day and simply didn’t eat it because he knew he didn’t have to. The only time we made any progress was when adhering to a strict regime of trying new things, timing meals and a version of tough love – helping him understand that we want him to eat because he can’t have a full life otherwise. A child cannot make choices if they don’t know what they like, have anxiety around having to make the decision to eat something that they may not like, and will always take the ‘easy’ option. Taking the choice out of his hands actually lowered the anxiety – there was anxiety about the taste but it wasn’t compounded by having to choose to try it. He is now 12 and every time I relax the rules a bit, he gradually finds himself restricting his diet again, and anxiety begins to grow any time he has to eat out, go to camp, invite a friend over …. He will just binge on toast when given the opportunity and the dinner will go uneaten. For some people food is not a source of pleasure. It has to be treated like homework unfortunately, but you’re doing them no favours by allowing them to enter adolescence and adulthood with fussy faddy food issues because it will only get worse.
Like you said, most of us grew up with strict rules around meal times and most adults I know can enjoy a meal out without drama. I doubt my son’s generation will be the same, going by how many of them seem to eat nothing but hot chips and fried crap because they can’t eat anything else and have never been taught the importance of social ties. Attended a 21st recently and the menu was like a party for a 10 year old.
We have been using the “what, when, where and the child chooses whether or not to eat” approach since right after Christmas. Before that it was literally on demand, short order cooking at mr house and I finally had enough. My just turned 4 year-old son is the picky one, my 6 year-old daughter does pretty well. I always make sure I have something familiar and that my son had eaten before at meals and sometimes he’ll eat and sometimes he won’t. And so far he hasn’t starved to death. Another thing I’ve read that we’ve been using, is serving the food family style and letting them serve themselves. This has worked really well, because even if they don’t eat it they continually see it on the table and other family members enjoying it. The highlight was a few weeks back when my 4 year-old, completely on his own, put a carrot stick on his plate and took a little nibble. He said he didn’t like it but to me that’s huge progress.
We stopped pressuring back in November and we have seen a huge change in our 4 (almost 5) year old’s willingness to eat in the last few weeks. Even his appetite has started to increase. I got the book “Helping Your Child with Extreme Picky Eating” back in the fall based on your review of it. And I’ll admit I still haven’t finished it (I also have a newborn so time is limited), but we went ahead and started implementing some of the suggestions. And they are making a difference. We slowly stopped pressuring, it was really hard for us since that is what we were taught by the feeding therapist. I’m sure our results have been delayed since we are dealing with other challenges (newborn), but I’m so thankful for where we are now. He’s gone from eàting maybe one good meal and a few snacks a day of only preferred foods to 2-3 good meals and a good sized snack. And his list of preferred foods is growing! Thank you so much for recommending the book, it has really changed our lives!
My grandson who is 6 is getting very picky. I wasn’t worried until he refused to eat peanut butter after he got sick on it. He is not eating his lunch at school. I grew up with a parent who went through the depression and would make us sit at the table until we ate. I myself lived on peanut butter well into adulthood.
Exactly, there are a lot of layers to how parents handle picky eating. If you haven’t looked around here yet I would encourage you to do so, you will find lots of other tips that can be helpful. Click the article index in the menu bar and scroll to picky eating.
I don’t have a suggestion for picky eating since I have same issues with my kids but as far as getting sick on peanut butter or any other food, it normally takes a while for a person to try that food again after getting sick from it. Like I read somewhere and from my own experience humans never learn so well and so fast from their mistakes unless it is from a food poisoning. So give it some time and reindroduce the peanut butter later.
Thank you for this post! I get the ‘guilt’ trip sometimes when others disagree with my no pressure tactic. I have one kid who eats everything and another that could live on cereal.
My picky eater knocked out her top 2 teeth at the age of 2 (now almost 5), and I believe she is having some ‘texture’ issues from that. So, if I use the tactic of “Try a bite. If you like it, great. If not, you don’t have to eat it” – is that too much pressure? I want her to make her own decision on what she likes, but I’m afraid if I leave it all to her, she won’t ever try anything.
I’m also (still) very picky, and believe that I’m a bad example of what to eat, so I want her to develop better habits of what tastes good, is nutritionally good, and how to put it together (better than me)!
You know Kellie, if it is working for you than it is not. But, by the guidelines Ellyn Satter lays out, it is. Decide where your comfort zone is. Focus on keeping a positive environment too, no negative comments about food and try to all eat the same thing. That will go along way in creating positive eating habits.
Thank you 🙂
Oh my gosh I am so glad I found this article. My son is 4 and is a huge picky eater he also has sensory issues. He would live on crackers if we let him. I can’t wait to see what else you post on this crazy journey.
Glad you found your way here too, Tina! Welcome, I’m working on a big project right now but I promise I’ll be sharing again in a few weeks. In the mean time check the article index in the menu bar for tons of other picky eater posts.
Excellent post! As one of the authors of the book you mention, I applaud you for stepping out there and talking about this issue. Our society’s culture around food and feeding does not help moms who already feel guilty for how their child eats, and having a deeper understanding about why pressure doesn’t help is really important. If anyone is looking for more parent-to-parent support, there is a great closed Facebook group called Mealtime Hostage where the Division of Responsibility and all its daily questions are hashed out in a safe, no-judgment environment. There is also a blog by the same name that is an excellent place to start.
Thank you so much Jenny for stopping by, your helpful comments, and for sharing those other great resources!
Great post! I needed a reminder of this. My kiddos are pretty good eaters, but I can find myself pressuring my oldest to eat certain things. She seems to be getting more picky as she gets older. Packing her school lunch can be such a challenge because the number of meals we have in rotation is so limited so when she suddenly decides she no longer likes something that we have been sending it is so tempting to try to persuade her to just eat it! Managing the schedule of when they eat has served us very well. My concern now with my oldest being in Kindergarten is that I have lost that. They seem to have treats and snacks all the time which leads to a picky eater when dinner rolls around. 🙁
Thank you for an interesting post. Through desperation to get our 3 year old to eat something new I can see we have been pressuring her and making it worse! She is extremely fussy and picky to the point where the number of whole foods she is eating is around 30. I am very concerned about her nutrition levels and would love to see her eat more vegetables and meat. I was pretty sure she had some sensory issues (she won’t eat anything sloppy or wet, ie pasta with sauce or weetbix and milk) so I tried some sensory play but she wasn’t having a bar of it. We will try this new method of not making any comments about the meal and see if we can get a positive result.
I am currently struggling with this very issue as a parent. I understand that everyone has unique likes and dislikes, and I respect that. My struggle is this…. Is this a first world issue? Do children in third world countries have the luxury of being a “picky” eater, or are they just grateful that they aren’t going to bed hungry? If my children REALLY understood hunger, would they eat whatever they were given with a thankful heart? This isn’t meant to be a negative comment… I would really appreciate hearing some other thoughts on this issue as I work through it myself.
Hi Christi, not a negative comment at all! I totally welcome conversation about this and you bring up some good points. To be honest, I’ve asked myself those same questions many times! Here’s what I know… not all picky eating is the same, severe picky eaters usually have underlying causes and I believe those would be present in most parts of the world. I also believe that some children that can’t eat in those countries, die, and that is a sadly a way of life. However, general picky eating, which is so pervasive, I think has major cultural ties and is linked to our first world privileges. Parents handle eating differently from the beginning. I’m not blaming them, everything is just so different. When our babies don’t finish every bite from the baby food jar or a toddler only has a bite of food at a meal we jump up and make something else. We stand on our head to get them to eat because we are worried they will be hungry. I imagine in third world countries this is quite different. I imagine a parent going with the flow and letting that go. They don’t pull out an iPad to get them to eat, they can’t. Plus, their diet is so limited and everyone eats together, all the time. Kids are constantly and positively exposed to the same foods. I wish it could be as simple, but we have so many complicated variables.
Ok, so what DO we do? I’m currently just asking my 14 mo if she would like something she is ignoring on her plate. If she doesn’t bite (pun intended) I leave it alone. I don’t consider her a picky eater but everyone keeps telling me it is coming.
Is the section under “What to do instead” missing? It seems to skip that part and go to a conclusion.
It’s not missing Kelli, it is admittedly brief. I actually just added a few sentences to clarify a fit more. I am going to write at least one follow up to this post that explains more of how to manage this on a daily basis- soon. It is a BIG topic and this post was already getting pretty long. In the mean time I want people to see the eating basics tab and make sure they have all those elements in place. That is the next step and is the way parents should set up the structure and routine, both structure and not pressuring must go hand in hand.
While my gut says you are right, this is the opposite approach we learned from our feeding therapist we worked with for a year and a half and spent gobs of money paying for therapy, special plates, cups, treats, expensive foods just to get out child to eat. He was diagnosed failure to thrive at 15 months and refused all solids. We were desperate and unaware of sensory disorders or their remedy. I have always wondered about the long term effects of our sons therapy and the incredibly warped relationship he has with food. I am desperate to stop the coercion, the bribing and negotiating, but I don’t know what to do. I am going to get the book you recommend, but I’d love to hear how you get out of this hole! Thanks for all the resources you provide.
Oh my gosh Ellen, of course, yes, many therapists (not me) use a behavior approach, especially for children that are in a desperate situation. That last thing I want this post to do is make you feel guilty! It is wonderful that your son is where he is now, those strategies often work much more quickly which is why some therapists go to them. I think you can still move out of this if you feel that is what is best. Getting the book will be immensely helpful, I’m just scratching the surface here and they really lay everything out so that you can fully implement this. I’m not sure how your son’s eating is now, or how old he is, but some families sit and talk to their child telling them there are going to be some changes: One, they don’t have to eat anything they don’t want to. Two, mom and dad pick what is for meals and there is no snacking in between. Some families start to make changes more slowly. I’m going to be writing a follow up to this post in the next few weeks, I see there is a need for that! Let me know if you need more help.
Alisha, thank you so much for replying to my post! This has been such a lonely journey. I don’t know another family dealing with this. My son is almost 4. He has a decent number of preferred foods, but nothing terribly nutritious. He still won’t touch fresh fruit or most fresh veg (he eats broccoli and fried green beans). He only eats highly processed meats, but will occasionally eat beans. Anyway, we have fallen into doing all the things you say to avoid by way of feeding therapy. Our therapist got us out of a tough situation and our son no longer has to go in for monthly weigh-ins. We have made considerable progress in that way. But his behavior is out of control. He asks for rewards for everything he does – getting dressed, going potty, etc. – things he should just do. We specifically asked his therapist what would be the long term effects of this kind of therapy and she said there wasn’t any data out there about it. My husband and I saw so many red flags in the “work” we have been told to do with him and always questioned it. But, it was all we knew to do. I’m excited to know there is another way and very anxious to get on the right track. I’ll be looking forward to your next post!
Oh Ellen, I know how lonely it feels, but truly you are not alone! This blog gets lots of traffic everyday, I get emails everyday from people just like you. Did you read through the other comments? One of the authors chimed in and shared a facebook group- that might be a good place for some support. I’m glad you can see the whole journey, he is growing and not in crisis anymore, that is fantastic!!! There is a lot of hope! Let me know what you think of the book!
My son will be 5 in April and he is an extreme picky eater too… waffles, french fries, go-gurt, goldfish, occasional nugget and oatmeal. It has been a very lonely journey indeed, but you are not alone. I struggle daily but thankful for blogs like this that help me refocus. Good luck on your journey.
Glad you asked! It is bit trickier with young toddlers, but I still want you to check out those eating basics (the link at the end of the post). Pay attention to the spacing apart of meals and making sure she has one thing you know she likes. If she refuses to eat than yes, that is it. Actually, this is really common with toddlers. They will eat really well for one meal, then not so well for several after. However, there are a few things you can do, that aren’t pressuring. First, try to change something up. Give her a toddler fork or spoon and pierce it into the food. Or, give a squirt of a dip on her tray. Or, even cut up the food a little differently. All of these things give them a bit of a re-start and they will often start eating, assuming their refusal is related to typical toddler behavior. If she is really fussy it is okay to let her get out of the chair for a couple of minutes and then try again, but I would only do this once. If she has chronically had a hard time eating than their may be some underlying issues- see the link near the top that is highlighted “variety of reasons”. Hope that helps!