Learn how to use the division of responsibility to help improve picky eating, whether you have a toddler, kid, or teen. Plus, strategies to implement this picky eating strategy.
How many different kinds of picky eating advice have you heard in trying to help your kid eat more?
Or, maybe you’re a feeding therapist trying to figure out how to help the kids you work with in their treatment sessions.
As a pediatric occupational therapist that has worked with hundreds of kids on improving their eating (aka the picky eater), and a mom that has walked this with one of my own picky eaters there’s one essential strategy that I almost always start with:
This mysterious and often unknown strategy is: NOT PRESSURING YOUR KID TO EAT.
While it certainly is not always an easy thing to put into practice, this one concept is the foundation that all of my other picky eating expertise and advice is built on.
But, it is simple and it’s based on evidence from Ellyn Satter’s great body of work and research, which she compiled in her famous Division of Responsibility.
It’s true that without any other strategies in place that the most extreme picky eaters may not “eat new foods” for years, but more often I’ve witnessed kids, let down their defenses and start to get curious about food.
Sometimes trying something new days, weeks, or a few months after the DOR is implemented.
With my own son, I layered on strategies, after establishing the DOR as a base. It was important to address the underlying cause and use some advanced strategies to help him explore new foods (without pressuring him).
I used this picky eating plan and watched him make incredible progress with eating new foods.
If you’re skeptical, let me first say that I totally get it. But there is a lot of research behind this strategy, and I’ll try to make it clear why I and many other feeding specialists have adopted this as the best outlook for getting kids to eat.
First, we need to talk about why pressuring kids to eat is so harmful to their eating habits, then I’ll tell you all the hidden ways we pressure our kids during meals, and what you can do instead.
Why Pressuring Kids to Eat Can Make Picky Eating Worse
Before we get into the nitty gritty here, as always, I want to remind you that I respect and encourage parents to make decisions for their child based on their gut, knowledge of different techniques, and their child’s individual temperament.
I REALLY do feel like this is one of those super important strategies that works across the board, but some parents won’t be comfortable with it and that is okay. I hope you can take this information and apply it in a way that works for you and your child.
In fact, maybe your child is in feeding therapy and their therapist is taking the opposite approach?
While it is becoming less popular, it’s true that many therapists use a behavioral approach (i.e. take a bite of this and then you can have this candy/video/preferred food).
I can appreciate the value in this approach and some families feel this is the right strategy for their child, I totally respect that. The behavioral approach is very black and white and sometimes can get quick results.
Although, the results don’t always last. Meaning that overtime the child’s eating reverts.
But, this article is not meant to shame or guilt you into using the “no pressure”. If you have concerns, discuss them with your therapist, leave a comment here, or consider seeking out other opinions.
Here’s the thing though, when some kids (often picky eaters) feel pressured to eat they often feel they need to protect themselves further and close themselves off from being open to new or different foods.
For a variety of reasons (I call these underlying causes of picky eating). they have already decided that eating some foods is not for them, the pressure factor for parents and other well-meaning adults builds their brick wall up further and further.
It creates an environment that closes off the opportunity for exploring new foods, the opposite of what most parents want.
Imagine a food you REALLY don’t like, we all have at least one. For me it is olives. Now, think about having a plate of that food in front of you and someone you love and trust getting really angry or upset that you don’t want to eat it.
Or, maybe they don’t get upset, but beg you to try a bite? Would that work, would you want to eat it then? Maybe, they even throw in a treat, “If you have three olives, I’ll give you a cookie?”
How would you feel? Motivated or aggravated? Depending on your child’s temperament, they may oblige and maybe you would too, but many of us would get aggravated and defiant as a result.
Pressuring Kids to Eat Can Have Long Term Effects
Even if your child isn’t a picky eater, or they do give in to the pressuring tactics and it seems successful, as parents we are teaching our kids to ignore their own internal cues for appetite.
Picky eaters often have decreased awareness or sensitivity of their interoceptive sense, which controls this, so pressure actually worsens this issue.
This leads to over-eating, under-eating, and/or an unhealthy relationship with food that can last a lifetime. In fact, most of my generation was brought up on pressuring tactics. We had the clean plate club or weren’t allowed to leave the table until the food was gone.
We were given dessert as a reward for a well eaten dinner, and many of us now look to food to console us when we are bored or have just had a bad day. Get out the pint of ice-cream, you deserve it, right?
I’m not trying to blame our parents. I’m just saying that we are sending a big message to our kids when we pressure them to eat, and those messages will shape their relationship with food throughout their whole life.
How Adults Pressure Kids to Eat
Well, pressuring kids to eat comes in many forms. One of my favorite feeding books, Helping Your Child with Extreme Picky Eating, talks about this extensively.
If you’re interested in an easy read geared towards parents that fully explains the loads of research that support not pressuring kids to eat, I highly recommend this book. I’m not going to go into as much detail, but let me share some examples:
- “Broccoli is good for you, just have a bite.”
- “I just made this whole dinner for the last two hours, the least you could do is eat some.”
- “Take three licks of the carrots and then you can have more chicken nuggets.”
- “Take a bite of the pot roast, and I’ll put a sticker on your chart for that new toy you want.”
- “I’ll let you watch the iPAD if you eat your dinner.”
- “If you just eat the rest of your potatoes, you can have a cookie for dessert.”
- “Oh, YAY!!!!!!!!! You had a bite of apple!!! Whoop! Whoop!”
- “Your brother is eating the food, take a bite like he’s doing!”
- “You are too old to be this picky!”
- “Carrots are healthy! Don’t you want to grow big and strong?”
These are just a few examples, but I think you are starting to get the idea. If you are bribing, rewarding, distracting, begging, shaming, coaxing, or even praising your child for eating new to get them to eat, then you are pressuring them.
The praising aspect of pressure is usually most surprising to parents.
But research shows us that kids usually feel pressured when they are praised because it is either putting the spotlight on them which some kids don’t like, or it’s setting an expectation that they have a hard time living up to.
If you really want to acknowledge what your child has done, try to wait until the end of the meal and make a comment in passing. Although we want to give them praise, they actually don’t need it when it comes to eating.
Instead, we want to teach them to be intrinsically motivated. Remember how I mentioned many people in my generation seeking out food for emotional comfort? Being praised for eating can make it more likely to pass this down to your child.
But when a child is in control of making the choice to eat, they are much more likely to have a neutral and healthy relationship with food, which is the ultimate goal, right?
What is the Division of Responsibility (DOR)?
If this is a brand new concept to you, it can be a lot to wrap your head around. It goes against what our parents did, and the advice of many family members.
It’s a complete perspective shift.
If you decide to go this route, you will likely have people think that you are being a push-over. But, not pressuring your child to eat doesn’t mean that you don’t provide structure, routine, and some rules around meals.
Ellyn Satter, who has completed a TON of research on this topic says, “The parent is responsible for what, when, and where [the child eats]. The child is responsible for how much and whether.”
Meaning, we decide when and what our kids eat, and they decide if they are going to eat it or not.
If this totally freaks you out, look at our whole picky eating guide for how to establish routines, structure, and other picky eating tips!
Satter has a famous one page document called the Division of Responsibility, that clearly lays out the roles of parents and children in eating. I encourage you to take a look!
How to Improve Picky Eating- What to do Instead of Pressure
Now let’s talk about how you implement the DOR practically.
Because it is not fair to run to put a plate of lasagna in front of your kid and say: “It’s your choice if you eat or not”, if they have never had it or refused it many times.
Or, you might be thinking that your child would never try something new if you just give them free reign over whether or not they eat.
The last thing I would want is for your child to eat when, where, and what they want. Deciding those terms is the job of the parent. The child’s job is to decide if they are going to eat it or not.
To follow this strategy it is imperative that your child be on a feeding schedule and that at least one food be given they prefer at each meal.
But, if you serve that lasagna with some bread (which they love) and maybe a side of fruit, then it’s totally fair. Especially because you’ve made a routine that allows their hunger to build.
They should eat every 2.5-3 hours with nothing in between but water. If they have access to food whenever they want it, they will likely not eat anyways.
Eating at the dinner table, and ideally eating family meals together (having the whole family together helps with modeling new foods!), will have a big impact on their success at meals and are a good idea.
Grazing and eating in front of the TV regularly, also sabotage this strategy. If this is a problem, learn tips for decreasing distractions while eating.
But, really I highly recommend watching my FREE Picky Eating Workshop to learn more about these other key strategies. It will take everything you’re reading here to a whole other level!
Help! What if My Child Refuses to Eat Anything?
This is a valid concern, and one I hear time and time again from students in Mealtime Works, our Picky Eating Course. There are some instances when this is a genuine concern, and in these cases the child should be in the care of a team with a specific feeding plan in place.
If your child is on their own growth curve, then they are probably eating enough. We tend to over analyze what our kids eat, and their caloric needs are significantly less than ours. It can be hard to let go of the control or worry, but I encourage families to try this for a month and see what the results are.
If you are able to put this structure in place and they then refuse to eat, then, yes, you allow them to not eat. Honestly, there isn’t much you can do about it anyways, but spin your wheels, cause major anxiety, and power struggles over your child trying new things.
How Much Preferred Food Should You Serve?
When you first begin the DOR, your child may be interested in only eating the food they like that you serve. So in the example above with lasagna and bread, should you just keep serving unlimited amounts of bread if your child requests more, or stick to small amounts and wait it out?
Ellyn Satter would say yes, give them as much bread as they want, and that would be truly following the Division of Responsibility.
I know this is hard for a lot of parents, and I personally feel there is some gray area here, but parents need to tread very cautiously because putting any restrictions on food is a quick slip into pressure.
With my oldest, who doesn’t have any eating issues, and eats a wide variety, I will occasionally give a prompt for him to eat some more of his food before he just has more bread. I know he eats these foods, I don’t give a specific quantity or make a big deal about it.
I’m also careful to not turn this into a reward, but technically I am pressuring a bit. However, I don’t get into power struggles over this or monitor his intake closely.
At the same time, if he or my selective eating child have things on their plate they don’t typically eat, I don’t ask them to eat it. I will use other strategies like, changing up the food they are refusing by cutting it into a different size or shape or by giving a dip.
Picky Eater Toddler Strategies
You may be wondering at what age you can start implementing this DOR strategy.
This concept can be difficult with young toddlers, and I think there is some leeway, but you can absolutely begin the structured mealtime routine and decide the menu when your children are quite young.
In some ways it’s even more important in these early impressionable years. But don’t beat yourself up if you have an older picky eater and are just now trying this strategy.
Keep in mind that toddlers are notoriously inconsistent eaters, this comes with the territory. Your job is not to freak out (I know easier said than done) and trust that they are following their internal cues.
By the time your child is 18 months to 2 years old, you should be able to totally follow this approach completely without having to maybe grab something extra part-way into the meal if they aren’t eating.
More Help For Picky Eating Using the DOR Strategy
How does splitting the responsibility of eating with your kids make you feel?
It can be a tough adjustment when you were raised differently, and truthfully, it can be hard to give up some of the control. Believe me, I know!
But allowing your kids to take an active role in mealtimes can have some major payoff. And the good news is, you don’t have to do it all. Think of picky eating like a partnership between you and your child.
Grab a free list of how I structure meals that also includes 25+ picky eater meal ideas. We’ll send it right to your inbox!
Keep Reading About Picky Eating Strategies
My Child Won’t Eat Anything But Junk Food
10 Extreme Picky Eating Red Flags that You Need to Know
Feeding Red Flags for Babies and Toddlers
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I’ve tried not pressuring before and a lot of other tactics mainly just offering 1 safe food on my 5 year olds plate (usually fruit) along with a meat and a side (both foods he never eats). I have never been able to remain consistent for more than 2-3 weeks because he just doesn’t eat. WHAT DO I DO IF HE JUST WONT EAT??? He would rather starve than eat a new food….. and then he’s grumpy and I have 2 other kids under 4 to manage…
Hi Jess! Thanks for reaching out! It’s challenging for sure! I’d suggest continuing with no pressure and then try to do some investigation as to what the underlying cause may be. See this post on why kids don’t eat well.
We also have a free workshop that covers what you learned here in a lot more detail!
Best,
Kalyn
Everything that I’m reading about pressuring creating food/feeding aversion makes it sound like I’ve permanently damaged my daughter and caused issues that will affect her for the rest of her life and give her a bad relationship with food. She’s 12 months old. If I stop all pressure can this be resolved? Or did I seriously do long term damage?
Hey Rebecca,
Please don’t beat yourself up about this! A few adjustments to make mealtime positive and pressure free can make all the difference 🙂 A great place to start is our free table foods workshop. You can save your seat HERE. Please reach out with any questions at all!
Best,
Andrea
My daughter 2.6 years old has been diagnosed with a feeding aversion she was okay with eating from food pouches just not solid foods/table foods. She recently was in the hospital for losing 2 pounds but test results were fine. We saw an OT and she force fed our baby and said that’s the only way she’ll eat since she’s breast fed. Obviously we listened to the medical professional & it feels like torture. She seems to hate me after it makes me sad. I feel like from reading this article I’m a bad parent she’s a toddler I pray she can get through this without it being life long…someone even said she would need a feeding tube I’m lost stressed out & out of all answer’s.
Hey Rani,
So sorry you are dealing with this. It is not your fault and you are not a bad parent! You are trying to do what is best for your child and what you were told by a professional. There are different techniques utilized in feeding therapy. We do follow the no pressure approach as it does have more success long term! If you haven’t yet, I’d check out our free workshop for some first steps as it sounds like this is more of what you are looking for. You can save your seat here!
Best,
Desiree
My son 3 years old never asks for food or gets excited on seeing food on plate. When he gets hungry he asks for chocolates and candies. I fed him simple n selected food by making him involved in phone.
He doesn’t like soft food except banana. He doesn’t open full mouth when I am feeding him.
Hi Monicka! Thanks for reaching out! Because you mentioned he doesn’t like soft foods and doesn’t open his mouth when feeding him, it could be a sensory or oral motor issue! Try some sensory and oral motor exercises- use a toothbrush to brush the insides of his mouth between feedings, allow him to touch/feel/play with his food, make silly faces, sip from straws, etc. All of these exercises can help strengthen his oral muscles and sensory sensitivities, which can help him eat better! Hope that helps!
Best,
Kalyn
Hi – just wondering if there’s any updates on your daughter, I’m currently in the same situation with my 1yr old . (20 months)
He won’t eat ANY solids, or have any liquids other than milk in his bottle.
I’m desperate for help.. we’re on the waiting list to see an OT.
Thank you for all your articles, it really compasses everything we are experiencing regarding my 1 year old. We have been working with a dietitian and natural-path since he was 8 months old and first noticed the food aversions. We have a no pressure environment, he sits at the table and I offer small snacks typically of 3-4 different types and all one at a time. My son has never once swallowed food. Bacon which would be a good item he always places into his own mouth will only be sucked on but never swallowed. Most food all just gets thrown on the floor. We keep the environment neutral and calm and we have seen zero improvement at all. We always eat beside him as well and he just started daycare 3 weeks ago and is not being sent home because they are worried he is not eating anything. I am suppose to go back to work in 1 week and I’m terrified I won’t be able to due to his eating. If you would have any advice for him I would be forever grateful as I am feeling very overwhelmed by this. Thank you so much.
We’re struggling.always have done. Shes Asd and been extremely picky and sensory around food. Ill admit we have pressurised her or used bribery as she wouldn’t eat anything. We did relax it and although limited foods she was eating. She’s been ill recently and we’re now back to square 1. Pocketing food, chewing with refusal to swallow and just refusing to eat. I find it extremely hard to stay calm. I’m in desperate need of help.
Hi Louise,
Picky eating can be so tough! Especially when sickness hits! Give yourself and her a bit of time to get back to where you were before she got sick. It is really common to take many steps back after illness. Encouraging a no-pressure, positive family mealtime is a great place to start. Our free picky eating workshop would be a good place for you to start. You can save your seat HERE.
Best,
Andrea
My son is a preemie born 3 months early and he had a feeding tube in the nicu. He’s 14 months 11 months corrected. Serious weight issues and pukes if something gets stuck in his throat. Very sensitive gag reflux plan acid reflux. I am pressuring him because all I hear are drs in my head saying they will put a ng tube in him. He’s only 15.8 pounds and I’m scared for him. We are seeing a early intervention person for his eating but I’m so desperate and I’m stressing him out I know it. I think he’s scared of his high chair now.
Hi Kassidy! So sorry to hear about your son’s health/eating issues. We understand how stressful it can be! We definitely recommend talking with your doctor, since his weight is a concern. It’s great that you’ll be seeing an early intervention specialist in person soon! It will be so beneficial to get some one on one, hands on support for him. In the meantime, try not to pressure him to eat. You may also try some oral motor exercises to help with his sensitive gag reflex. Oral motor exercises can help desensitize his reflux and help strengthen his oral muscles! Use a toothbrush to brush the insides of his mouth between feedings. Click here for a list of more ideas!
Best,
Kalyn
Hi. We have been attempting these strategies for a few weeks. Unfortunately our nanny who feeds our almost-2yo daughter breakfast and lunch is still using some pressure techniques. Are we totally screwed if the nanny can’t get on board? This strategy goes against every fiber of her being, and us trying to explain it to her has led to tension. As if we need any more drama around mealtime.
Hey Natalie,
It’s a hard situation to be in. While we have seen progress when it’s not completed at all meals, it does make it harder to work through. I’m not sure if you’ve seen our free workshop or not, but possibly getting your nanny to watch it might help? If she’s willing! You can save your seat HERE. Also after sign up, you do get a replay available for 48 hours if that will work better time wise! Hope that helps!
Best,
Desiree
Hi! When we introduce the family style dinner, and our kids choose not to eat much, do you offer a large snack before bed? I’m afraid to put them to bed hungry, but also afraid they’ll start to depend on the bedtime snack instead of eating dinner and trying new foods.
Hey Kelly,
Great question and Alisha will be answering this today on a FB Live if you want to join in! But, typically you can do this “sometimes” but you do want to make sure that they don’t connect it with because they didn’t eat. And also making sure that the whole family is having snack too!
Best,
Desiree
This spoke to me today! I am struggling immensely with a five year old who has been a challenge with food as long as I can remember. She is extremely picky and sensitive. She will happily go all day without eating if her foods or snacks are not available. Has done so with daycare and preschool.
She is also in the lowest growth percentile, falling off the chart in her kindergarten physical. Needless to say I worry a lot about her eating enough and have done all of the wrong things to try to change that! I have seen this same child eat adult portions of her favorite foods, so I don’t think this is a physical issue.
My question is, what do you do about dessert if the child only chose to eat a handful of olives for dinner while everyone else ate? Do you offer dessert? I’m afraid my child will hold out for dessert to fill her tummy, but to withhold feels like pressuring. HELP!
Hey Wendy,
So happy that this article was helpful for you!! We can understand the worry! We treat dessert as any other food. We do recommend either serving dessert as part of the meal, or offering it only sometimes depending on your family dynamic. We do follow closely with the DOR regarding mealtimes, if you haven’t seen our free workshop yet, this is really helpful in sorting all this out! You can save your seat here
Best,
Desiree
Hi! How many different types of food should an 18 month old eat? I read somewhere on your website that it should be 20 – does this include fresh fruits and vegetables? Also, if I offer avocado toast one day and peanut butter toast another, does it count as one food (because they both use a bread base) or as different foods? Thank you!! Trying to understand my son’s eating habits with your resources.
Hello,
Thanks for reaching out. I think the number you are referring to, is looking at picky eaters which are identified eating less than 20 foods. For each food you would count individually. If there are 2 kinds of bread, but same texture it would still only be 1, but if they are different texture it can count as 2. Peanut butter and avocado would be 2 different foods.
Hope that helps!
Best,
Desiree
I am a Pediatric OT and would love to be able to print out this article to give to parents. DO you have a link to do that so I don’t have to cut and paste. Thanks
Hey Mary,
You can provide parents with the link to the article. We do not have a printable version available. However cutting and pasting does not provide them with the source as well as links for understanding.
Best,
Desiree
My daughter is 13 years old and has been diagnosed as a super taster, which has made her an extremely picky eater. I have tried the divided plates adding a bite size of foods different from her normal foods she’ll eat. She refuses to even try it with the comment it doesn’t smell good. I know that some super tasters can actually taste the food just by smelling it due to the hypersensitive tastebuds. She will actually smell the food, wait a minute then say either “ok I’ll try it or no, it tastes horrible”
I have made meals plain for her like spaghetti noodles only with butter and Parmesan cheese but now it’s to the extreme she has to have a certain type of Parmesan cheese (has to have a nutty taste to it, cant be shaved, has to be shredded) or it tastes horrible.. I’ve tried many costly and less costly brands and different flavoring of Parmesan cheese.
I’ve tried every way possible to get her to try something new/different, limiting or omitting herbs and spices from foods, trying different brands of foods but nothing seems to work.
So my question is how can I get a super taster to try different foods?
Hey Robyn,
Thanks for reaching out to us! Seems like you have been really great at adapting her foods! I’d try to tackle this from the sensory side of things, by having her help you in the kitchen. Talk about the foods, how they smell, look and feel. If the smells are too much, you can try it more slowly in the kitchen, but have the same concept in a messy play activity. I’d also take the same approach as other picky eaters that we discuss with having No Pressure environment around eating as discussed in the article!
Best,
Desiree
I love your emails and advice 😁 I need some help with strategies on eating outside of meal times. I have a 10, 8 and 6 yr old twins. We are really pretty good at having 3 meals a day and trying to keeping snack time to certain times and quantities. They r a little older with more independence and we are running into them using their allowance for snacks at our local hockey rink, cvs etc. It was easier to structure things when they were younger and having a little harder time with their greater independence.
Thank you for all advice and time
Caarin
Hey Caarin,
Thanks for reaching out and loving our site 🙂 I’d try to have a talk with them to limit what they are eating when. If they are utilizing their own monehy they can purchase but set a paramater on how much they can have when. ie: You can have 1 snack that you want to eat between 3-4pm. Also trying to move dinner later if they had more snacks for hockey etc. Another route if they are really hungry between practice, etc. You can try to pack more healthier options and then again have dinner later to space it out so they are more hungry. I’d talk openly about what you decide with your kids!
Best,
Desiree
Hi Alisha, my son turned two few months ago, and for the past month or so, he has stopped eating foods he not only used to eat but really liked: would say yum, yum, ask for more, smile while eating. It’s only dinner food – does fine with breakfast and lunch still.
He does not snack between meals but we do offer him something small before bedtime if we had a very active day. (No milk between meals either: never had juice or much junk food; homemade desserts on holidays and tortillas chips if we go out to eat at a Mexican restaurant.)
My husband and I are on the same page that we won’t make different meals for him and we have sent him to bed without dinner or bedtime snack two times. If he doesn’t want to eat the food, he falls to the floor crying and screaming, “No!!!” as if he is being attacked. At first we thought, he was simply full and not hungry for dinner yet. When this first started, we let him get down from the table to go play and then before we’d start the bedtime routine, we’d offer to reheat his dinner – this was working at first and he would eventually eat his dinner.
However, now when he doesn’t want to eat what we have for dinner, he refuses to eat any of it, refuses his milk, refuses the reheat BUT then wants a snack, which we said no to. I’ve read several of your articles, but I haven’t noticed anything that relates to dinner only. Any advice when picky eating only shows up at one particular meal?
Hi Tracy,
We know how frustrating this can be!! Sometimes it can just be a “typical” picky eating phase in which sticking with the routine, etc will help them get through the hump! Take our quiz to see where you child is falling, plus receive recommendations bases on the category he falls in! Take the quiz here
Best,
Desiree
Hi, I have read your article twice and I am a little confused on how to apply this. I get the point about not pressuring your kid to eat. My husband and I recently had a meeting about how to deal with our picky eaters. We were both picky children and our parents both tried to deal with us by spankings for not eating, sending us to bed hungry, scoldings, etc. Those methods didn’t work on either of us. I am in my 30’s and I still don’t eat fruit or vegetables. My husband’s pickiness did not improve either. We both agree that our parents’ method did nothing to make us eat better or get used to the foods we were resisting, it just created a bad relationship between parent and child.
Now we are trying to figure out how to work with our own children and we are pretty clueless. I want them to eat better than I do and have fruit and vegetables as part of their regular diet.
One problem I have with both my girls is that they initially like something but then change their minds… as an example, I started making butternut squash soup for lunch about once a week some time back. They loved it at first, but now both whine and fuss about it and will spend up to 2-3 hours sitting at the table to get it down. I started making them fruit and yogurt smoothies for lunch twice a week, which again they loved at first but now complain about and take hours to eat.
I feel that I’ve tried to be more positive by saying things like “we can have story time as soon as you finish” or “if you eat fast enough we will still have time for X (fun activity) before we have to leave” rather than making threats, but I realize that’s still pressure.
One concern I have with the “no pressure” method is all the waste. I have read articles suggesting to just put a certain food on their plates but don’t require them to eat it, or just ask them to taste it and then throw out the rest. I can’t afford to buy food just to throw away, and I am too busy to spend time cooking food that will end up in the trash.
I have been trying to look up new recipes so they will like their food better. I recently tried a “kid friendly vegetable pizza” recipe and it was NOT a hit to say the least. I felt frustrated because it was more expensive than most dishes I prepare, much more work, and the whole goal was to give them something they would like, not create hours of struggle to get it into them.
So, if I go low pressure and say “you don’t have to eat lunch if you don’t want to” what next? Obviously they’ll be hungry. I can’t afford a second meal if they turn down the one I made, and I don’t want to waste the food I have cooked.
Thank you for any ideas about how to work with my kids. They are 5 and 6 years old.
Hey Liz,
We get it, it can be frustrating. I’m glad that you realize that having that pressure does not make for a successful relationship with food. Some of having your child be eating something and then later change their mind is considered normal. I’d recommend to take our picky eating quiz to see truly where you kids fall on the picky eating scale, and provide suggestions based on where they fall. Also keep an eye out for our free video workshop series as it will cover more on picky eating and steps to take! Take the quiz here: http://www.yourkidstable.com/picky-eating-quiz
Best,
Desiree
Hi Alicia,
I am so grateful for everything you are doing. I have referred SO many Moms and patients (I’m a nurse) to your website and always know they will get quality information. One thing I have struggled with finding the answer to for my own child with “discerning taste” is, is it ok to let her have seconds of her “safe food”. We now eat family style, she chooses the food she wants on her plate and enjoys taking some of everything saying, “I love ‘x’ food”. She then only eats her safe food (which is sometimes just the fruit we have at every meal) and says she wants more. I don’t know how to handle this. I don’t want her to only eat fruit for dinner, so I tell her she needs to eat a variety so she doesn’t get a belly ache. At this point she just says that she is done. Unless I am also serving a more substantial “safe food” that night (like rice, pasta, etc) she goes to bed hungry. This happens a lot of nights and it doesn’t seem to get better…it just really doesn’t. She won’t try the other foods on her plate unless I force her to (something I try to not to do but am not always successful) and then it’s just one bite that she often spits out. She is just one of those kids that would rather be hungry than eat something new (or even try it). So I’m wondering, do I just let her eat how ever many servings of her “safe food” (fruit included) that she wants or is there a limit to this? Thank you in advance.
Hey Jillian,
Thank you so much for the feedback and glad that you are finding great information. You are doing great serving family style, I love that! We do recommend that they can have as many servings of their preferred food that they want. In the background you can be working on food play, sensory bins, etc to increase the variety of foods she eats while being exposed to all foods at mealtime. We also do not do any pressure (even asking them to take a bite is pressure). If you are concerned with just fruit you can try to plan meals using a different preferred food at dinner so that she does not go to bed hungry. If you haven’t yet taken our picky eating quiz, I’d suggest to take that it will provide you with some helpful tips based on which area your child falls!! Take the Quiz Here
Best,
Desiree
I have a question regarding always giving a preferred food. My 3 year old son is very picky with only a few foods he will eat. While I can totally see the point behind providing a food that you know he will eat I just can’t see him ever eating any of the other foods, can totally see him eating the one he likes night after night and leaving everything else. Sure, he is super stubborn and maybe at the point he needs professional help but are other kids like this and they come around? Any extra tips on this? Thanks.
Hi Josie,
We can relate with your situation and this is a common thought. However, taking away pressure at mealtimes to eat non-preferred foods helps to build a child’s relationship with the food in a healthy way. There are some other things that you can do like completing food play with non-preferred foods, starting outside of mealtimes, so that the child can get comfortable with the foods. Take our picky eating QUIZ to get some more tips on where your child falls!
Best,
Desiree
Hello SLP here and I was wondering what advice would you give for a child who is not eating all day at daycare. He refuses to eat unless its chicken nuggets and mom is obviously concerned since she does not get him until 6pm. Also, I do oral motor exercises but actually getting him to attempt to eat any fails. Thanks so much for your blog it is so great!!
I’d see if he can bring in his own lunch at school. I’d try to have at least one food he typically eats in it. Also, is it more of a sensory thing or do you see some oral motor deficits? If you haven’t already, I’d tease that out and have mom follow through consistently so you can see progress!
Hi there,
I watched the webcast and have been following the strategy for months now (was dping something similar before) but my child is getting worse. I am a single mom so I sit (often eat) while he is eating and always have a veggie and something he likes in each meal. Now he is only eating bread or carb foods (pancakes, goldfish). Should I remove those? Not only will he not eat anything else he wont even try it. He just squishes it.
Some kids do need some more advanced strategies. I’d consider this post on sensory strategies, that may not be the cause, but it’s where I’d start. Also, this post on exploring food is a great way to get them to start interacting with the food in new ways.
My 7 (soon to be 8) year old DD has, in my opinion, food aversions since in utero (but I digress)! When introducing baby food, carrots and anything with an orange food in it she would break out and vomited violently. Her food options narrowed due to this reaction. To compound matters, the family menu sticks to a monthly fairly regimented plan – some changes are thrown in but us grown ups do what we can to make it work for our schedule – we have our main veggies and fruits but don’t veer very far off ourselves from this. I waffle back and forth between comfortable and neurotic about this issue. We let her hide bits of food in cornbread/roll in order to get the smallest morsel of it into her. While this has helped, it is not something she can do at other peoples houses when staying over and/or at school. I’ve had an OT do an assessment and the recommendation was nutrition therapy, however, we were not in a place to be able to provide this and are in an even more remote area than before. She also has pretty serious motion sickness and traveling to get services is just not an option. I would appreciate any guidance for this,
It’s challenging for sure! I’d suggest starting with no pressure actually and then try to do some investigation as to the underlying cause. See this post on why kids don’t eat well.
I also have a free workshop that covers what you learned here in a lot more detail, using them in your home is a great way to help picky eaters eat more foods:)
Our daughter is 13 years old. She ate anything until she was about 4 years old. She definitely has other sensory issues, and can articulate that most of her food aversions are sensory-related (describes things are too squishy or slimy, can’t stand inconsistency within a food, etc.). She eliminated ALL fruits about 4 years ago. Her physical growth and development are good. For a 13 year old girl I am especially concerned about her developing control issues around food. I’m definitely on board with taking off all pressure to eat, but even so, she seems to be becoming increasingly restrictive. Do you have advice that is different for this age group than for the younger set?
I’d definitely not pressure, but it is okay to establish some mealtime rules such as not talking negatively about foods, eating at the table, etc. However, she likely needs some additional strategies to help her with her sensory needs. One way that could be done is through messy activities. It may seem odd at her age, but these could be adapted. Think about paper mache, art projects, cooking with dough, etc. Another option is the Wilbarger brushing protocol (google that), as well as using a vibrating toothbrush 2-3 times a day. Encourage her to brush her tongue and gums too, this will help desensitize! You can read more in this sensory issues with food post!
We did Wilbarger protocol for several months when she was younger. I don’t know if she would cooperate with that now – with her tween body. She enjoys sensory activities like making/playing with slime. She avoids tooth-brushing, showering, hair-washing because she doesn’t like the way any of it feels – it is all a daily battle. Yikes. Thanks for the tips. We are trying to get her involved with yoga. All physical activities help. Will keep trying all! Thank you!
Hi,
I have a 2-year-old who is not really a picky eater, but there is something I have been wondering about how to handle best.
So she eats enough and diversely, no problems there really, but sometimes/quite often she’ll eat only selected things from her plate and ask for more of those and leave the rest.
To explain better let me give an example: Just the other day we were having noodles with beef, broccoli, mushrooms and carrots. At first she’d only try the noodles and started picking out the mushrooms. So I asked her if she tried the mushrooms, she said no. And my stance is that no one has to eat things they don’t like, but you have to try it all. So I coaxed her into taking a bite, and then she actually decided that it was yummy after all and ate all the mushrooms (so all good there). But after that she just ate the noodles and said she doesn’t like all the rest and wants more noodles. And it would be fine to not like one or two things, but all the other things? No, it’s just that noodles were her favorite, and the day before when we had the same food she ate all of it. So I know she couldn’t have absolutely hated all the rest of the stuff on her plate. So I told her no, you have to eat some of that on your plate first, I’m not giving more when your plate is full of stuff. That day, however, the end result was that she refused to eat most of the remaining items, maybe dug up a few carrots, asked for bread (which I gave her since I was eating bread too), took a bite of that and then left the table.
And here comes the question: Was my approach (to not give her more noodles) good or not? What if she actually really dislikes the things on her plate (it is not always as clear as here if she really doesn’t like something or would just prefer something else), and I am now pressuring her to eat them? But what if she is just trying to get more of her favorites? I agree that parents should decide what kids eat, and I definitely think that it’s not ok to just pick out your favorite parts of the food and leave all the rest unless you really hate it. Still, I find this a sort of grey zone where I’m not sure whether I should give her more of what she asks or require her to eat the other things as well (and by this I don’t mean forcing her to eat the rest but just not giving more of anything unless she does). What is your opinion on this?
To add one more comment, most of the time I do allow her to leave one or two things uneaten and still get more of something else. Because the situation seems quite clear when there is one thing you don’t like, just leave that and enjoy the rest, no problem. But these “today I don’t like any of these” situations somehow bother me, because I don’t ever want my kid to feel like she is being forced to eat something but on the other hand don’t want to give in too much either.
I love how you’re thinking all of this through! It sounds like you’re both doing great, the thing is, as you’ve seen, with pressure it can actually make things worse. It’s frustrating for sure, but I’d check out this post on my best picky eating tip – it answers all of these questions in depth!
My son is 6 as a baby he’s he ate is and fruits and meats I noticed back then he was pretty picky compared to other kids if he wouldn’t eat something my mother would fix up to four different things and he would refuse them all I felt as if it became a game to him even at that age for control Fast forward to six and he eats less variety and less. Than he ate as a toddler. I don’t give him sodas or sugary juices honestly he doesn’t really know what they are my dad told me to just send him to school and make him eat school lunch which resulted in him drinking the milk and eating nothing at all it’s nothing for him to go a whole day eating 100 cal packet of crickets some Pringles chips and a slice of cheese the only meat he will eat eggs bacon and sometimes one or two chicken nuggets only from McDonald’s none of the normal stuff kids like no pizza burgers fish sticks sandwiches SpaghettiOs no soup‘s he used to eat go girt and those squeezy fruit things but now he despises them also no cereals tried them all I know that if it were not for ensure drinks and boost he would not gain any weight and would certainly either starve to death or be malnourished. He started ADHD meds at age 5 but because I try to give him as many snacks and get him to eat anything that he will to stretch his stomach out a little bit the meds are not having an effect as in they are not making him lose any weight and he has gained about a pound every month but it’s so frustrating I gave up with trying to pressure him mainly to save my own sanity I’m so happy I found this site I believe it’s fascinating these signs of picky eating when their toddlers and the category of the food jag and food aversion has certainly been an eye-opener to me because most people look at me like I’m a crappy mom or that I’m weird having to pack food he likes that are different from what everyone else has just to accommodate him so he won’t starve to death it’s definitely made me feel a lot better about my situation Thank you all so so much for your comments it’s made my day
I’m so glad it has helped. I know it can be frustrating. Know that your not alone. We are always here to help. Have you checked on my free workshop on the 3 Keys to Turning Picky Eating Around. I think the keys in there could be really helpful for you. You can sign up here.
Hi Alisha!
My 2 year old is picky and I think we are kind of already trying a low pressure (though not necessarily no pressure) method with him. He is doing OK and some meals are better than others. It is frustrating though I am not overly concerned. I do know that we need to give him less milk than he gets now and that is part of the problem.
My question is actually about my 4 year old. I think it is different than picky but I can’t really figure him out. He is actually willing to try lots of different foods and loves a wide variety of flavors (blue cheese, olives, nuts, broccoli, spicy salsa, etc) but he only sometimes sits and eats his meal. He will eat a full bowl of very healthy stuff (veggie soup, scrambled eggs, salmon, squash) if I feed it to him! But sit next to him and eat my own while he eats… it rarely happens unless its ‘junk’ food like mac and cheese or chicken nuggets or sweet things like fruit. He doesn’t oppose eating the other things if we feed it to him at all, he just won’t reach for it on his own! Or he takes a few bites and won’t eat any more unless we feed him. I should mention that his doctor isn’t at all concerned about weight but he is 75% for height and 40% for weight so he is definitely skinny! Oh and he drinks only water, no milk or fruit juices filling him up. What does that mean?
Did you find an answer to this? My three year old is the same!
thank you Alisha. Your blog is so good
My son is 16 months now i still have to purée his food. He is able to eat toast with hummus, cherrios, crackers, cheetos, pizza, sting cheese, rice (sometimes), banana/blueberries (sometimes), but spits out food after a few bites. So I end up having to purée his meal and feed it to him (with distractions). So I feel like he knows how to eat but prefers purée may be or just has no interest in eating. He spits out steamed veggies (carrots/green beans/cauliflower/potato etc) as well even though I know he is able to swallow that mushy texture. I am all sorts of confused on how to get him to eat more food. Any suggestions from you will be appreciated. Thank you!
Mona, I’m here to help you, but first I want you to check out this two part article on transitioning to table foods. I think their may be some underlying challenges going on for him. Take a look and let me know what you think!
Thank you Alisha for the reply. I read this article earlier actually and have tried the different phases. He doesn’t clearly fit one pattern I guess. He can eat hard boiled eggs (egg white only), scrambled eggs, mac n cheese, etc. But won’t eat black beans/chick peas because of the skin outside. If I mush it and remove the skin, and then give him, he will eat a little bit. Although not enough as a meal. Is this a texture thing or he doesn’t know how to break beans down enough to swallow with the skin?
Him not wanting the skin is almost certainly texture, if nothing is sticking out to you, it may be a combination of factors. Okay, I’m going to point you to another article that’s specifically about sensory issues and food. There are red flags listed, let me know if anything stands out to you!
Hi! I have a liquid averse 1 year old. He eats any and every food but I have pressured him with fluids and he now yells “no” at every cup he sees and throws them help!!
Hey Ali,
I can understand how frustrating this must be!! I’d really try to take the pressure off, making sure that you have cups just casually laying around. I’d also try to do some straw play just in a bin of water with some toys to try to get him working on drinking from a straw cup, some kids really love this and you can transition from there! Here is how to work on Straw Drinking
Best,
Desiree
Hi, I stumbled upon this article while looking for solutions to resolve my (2 year plus) girl’s picky eating habits.
My girl started having solids at around 6 months and has been a great eater . However, since around 18 months and thereafter, she started showing signs of picky eating and her appetite has gotten downhill from then on. It has been a battle almost every mealtime. She takes in easy to swallow food such as porridge or cereal. We do still add in minced meat or fish in porridge or rice but she gags or spits it out most of the time. Her preference of food varies from time to time – would say runny eggs are her only favorite but she is allergic to them. Am tempted to blend the meat or fish to ensure she takes in a balanced diet, however am not too sure whether I should do so.
Appreciate your views on the above.
Hi Alisha,
I found my problem almost the same case with Cher. She started with pumpkin puree on 6 months old, and ever since, she start to like sweet food. Until 1 year old, she is eating normal healthy diet when she is with the babysitter. She take rice and chicken soup as meal as daily favorite. When she reach 18 months old, i quit job to take care of my girl since the babysitter retired. Starting from that there, my pampered girl show lost interest in rice menu and start to become a bad eater. Over the year, now her eating became extremely bad as she only have 3 dish menu to eat, and none of it is healthy food only deep fried crispy fries mainly and instant noodles.I have to rotate this menu everyday at every meal and its been a year. I really felt guilty as she didn’t raise any extra weight after a year. She is still 14 kg and getting 3 years old this coming May 2018.
— Appreciate your advice in this matter too!
Emma do you the option to look into feeding therapy? Check out more here: yourkidstable.com/feeding-therapy
Hi Alisha,
I’am glad you replied. Yes, i have read your article on feeding therapy and really wish if i stay nearby your area.
I had checked on my concern with the pediatrician before, and she say my girl look healthy and active so nothing to worry as she will grow. I also google on local pediatrician Gastroenterology around Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia but they all seems less experience in handling similar case like mine base on background work i read.
Today, i make my first try after reading some of your article and set my girl dinner together with us at the table and it works for the first time ever! i felt like crying to video this moment as i believe there is a chance she will be better.
Thank you for making me smile !!
Oh that is so wonderful Emma! I’m thrilled to hear that!
Its very hard to get her try new food. Try not pressuring her and keep trying constantly..but didnt works with her also. I guess she is so pampered that she act like a diva at the table. Once, i got mad bcoz too tired cooking soup for her and she just move away from the table. I make her sit and when she notice my serious face she open her mouth willing me to feed her. Huhh glad, it works but toughes way, though. Not sure if this is good or bad…but goals achieved. She try new food. Huhuu..
hi as i’m sitting here and reading your articles, i’m actually so sleepy, but can’t stop reading. my son is almost 5 years old now, it has been and still is a constant struggle to get him to eat. i have had him at a general gp, peadiatric doctor, and most recently an occupational therapist ( he has been diagnosed with a bit of an sensory processing disorder). no one seems to think that his eating problem is a problem, seeing that his growth, weight etc. is all in place. i would love some advice from you.
– he drinks quite a lot of fluid (soft drinks, juice, flavoured milk)
– he prefers chicken nuggets
– bread (normal dry bread, toasted bread with cheese and french polony(like coldmeat, only its like a pienk color here in south africa)
-egg omelet with cheese
-gustard and jelly
the above mentioned food is what he has been surviving on for the last 2 weeks.
i feel like a terrible mom as i am looking at what he has been eating for the last 2 weeks.
he is very strong willed!!! he does not like any other food on his plate, except the food he wants(the above)
he does occasionally eat mini pork sausage – the only meat he eats
he does not eat any fruit, vegetables, meat except the pork sausage, fish (lately gags at fish fingers)
occasionally will have some yohurt, but if he says he wants it
he maybe eats a little bit of choc rice krispies once in a month or two.
i feel like crying about this issue as my younger son (who is a great eater) seems to be starting with the same issues as his older brother.
i will try, listen to any advice that you can offer me
thank you
melanie landman
south africa
Hi Melanie, I’m so sorry, I know how frustrating this is, but please this has nothing to do with you being a bad mother. You’re obiously doing a great job! I’d recommend reading sensory and picky eating. That will be really eye opening for you! As well as turning my picky eater around.
Everything you’ve described is really typical for more extreme picky eaters and the place to start is with the no pressure I talked about in this post. I know that seems hard, but really its a great first step! The other posts I recommended will give you more strategies.
And, while there’s no pressure, I just wanted to mention that I teach a comprehensive picky eating class that covers everything in detail and time with me on the discussion board to go over any issues you need to. You can find more about that here: http://yourkidstable.com/join
Thanx ! But I tried this too, my son would no eat at all. Just a glass of milk n few biscuits for entire day. I keep trying different fruits or his fav chips to put nearby him. But he simply don’t eat. This has been taking toll on my patience. I get shivera before feeding his meal. Sometimes I lose my temper. I too tried my ped ,but in vain. [ he is 2.8 yrs)
It’s really important to make sure he always has one food that he eats at the meals. Does he have any foods that he eats regularly? I know it can be really hard, there is a lot of info on here, have you poked around at all? If you click here this will be a great starting point.
This can get better, its so important to start with just keeping things positive and following a schedule, just have those be your first goals, when you reach those move up from there.
Hi Alisha. Thank you so much for this blog. Now, I am not feeling I am alone in this world. I thought my son Nick is the pickiest in the whole world. I agree with sit down together during meal time but he never likes high chair, booster chairs or any chairs with strap ons. So what we did is he either sits in adult chair with us or we all sit around his picnic table. If he does not feel like joining during meals he will just slid down. Because if I use the child seat with strap it will not make him behave and sit still anyway. What do you think? Do you have other tips?
Hi Janet, I’m so glad you found your way here! There are tons of posts and articles with lots of tips to help. I love eating around his picnic table together I think that’s great, and would do it, as often as your able to. I’d consider trying to re-introduce the booster seat and make it really fun for him. Let him decorate it with stickers, give him warnings in advance. Slowly build up the time you want him to sit. So you’ll want to have a successful meal in it, that may only be for 4 minutes the first time. Reinforce his asking to get down by allowing him to do so the first couple times. Also, check out http://www.yourkidstable.com/articles this is an article index and I have a couple of posts listed there specifically on helping kids stay seated. You may have some tears and a few battles but its worth sticking with it.
This is so helpful. I think I stumbled on the beginning of this idea. I noticed that when I was trying to get my daughter to eat something new, she would refuse as long as I was watching her. As soon as I gave up and started focusing on my own meal, she would start to eat what was in front of her. So now I always give her time to explore new foods on her own.
Yay, that is great Jean! THanks so much for sharing, it will be helpful to others!
Hi Alisha Im at witts end with my 4 year old he doesnt eat ,well he jasnt been eating for the past few years.When he was few months old he started being picky and I tried all new different meals he wouldnt eat it.He gets sick alot now lately was hospitilised and a few days later his sick again.I think his immune system is weak because of not eating.i have tried everything,i feel sad most of the time because im worried about him.please help me I dont know what to do anymore….
Hi Hidayah, I’m so sorry! I completely understand how stressful this is. There are often a lot of layers to eating problems and it needs approached one step at a time. If you haven’t already click the start here button in the menu bar, you will find A LOT of direction there to get you started. No matter what keep giving him the other foods, eat with him, and keep on a schedule. Don’t allow him to snack in between meals. Also, don’t pressure him to eat, let him play, get messy, explore. He needs to just start learning about the food, looking at it, touching it, smelling it. All of that is progress! Give this a try and look at the links then let me know if you have any more questions!
It hasn’t been going well for a while in our house. My husband works long hours and I suffer from Major Depression, extreme high anxiety and bad health. These factors, especially my anxiety, causes my two sons (2,5 and almost 5) to act out.
They throw temper tantrums, make “devil faces”, refuse to do things, etc. Sometimes a scheduled mealtime just happens to fall into their acting out time. Then they will refuse to eat anything but keep on whining for crackers, peanuts, etc.
I try to keep meal times relaxed. I make sure they sit properly in their toddler chairs at their toddler table. I sit with them and eat my food. The problem is that they then want to eat my food out of my plate instead of theirs. Due to my high anxiety I find it extremely difficult to eat myself so I get angry (irritated) when they want to eat the little food that I can actually get into my own body.
I’ve tried walking away and washing dishes while they eat. Sometimes it works and they eat a little. Other times they whine until I sit with them and then they don’t even eat their food.
Another major problem is that my husband forces my sons to eat. He will open their mouths and put the food in, scream at them, etc. We’ve had a lot of fights about this. I always lose because a lot of times (especially during holidays) I’ve been too sick to give them food myself. If I question him, he screams at me or just leaves the room and leaves me to deal with the children (even when I physically can’t)
In the week I fetch the kids at 17:00 and feed them – so I try to keep it relaxed. I really like the idea of adding 1 food to a meal that they can eat. But that is basically cheese or fish fingers. I don’t like feeding them processed food but we can’t afford to eat “nice fish” every day.
What I want to know – will it be okay if I put a piece of cheese on their plates every night for weeks? I know cheese is a source of protein but I’m scared that they will then only eat the small piece of cheese and none of their other foods.
When they don’t eat properly they have mood swings and wake up several times per night.
I know the eating problem may just be a symptom of their underlying emotional issues. I am working with a team of specialists to improve my health but it will take time – and that means that my sons’ emotional behaviour will continue.
I do try to spend quality time with them and play with them on the floor. I give a lot of love and hugs. When things get bad I do a lot of holding time. So I’m trying to work on the underlying issues – so that we can later get to solving food problems.
It takes forever and sometimes I feel hopeless in my current situation. So I’m wondering what I can do NOW to help my kids to eat?
Good news: I pack healthy lunches with lots of little snacks and most of the time they eat most of the food at school. They also eat cereal in the morning. It’s dinner I’m worried about.
Hi Karelien, First of all thank you so much sharing your story, how brave you are. There are many other parents reading these comments, and your story may help them. It sounds like you have a wonderful things going and are really headed in a good direction. What I want you to do is always make sure they have a preferred food, ideally the same thing so it doesn’t seem like you are catering just to them. It is totally fine to give them a slice of cheese with dinner, even if it doesn’t really go with the meal, but I wouldn’t do it every single night… use that for nights you know they aren’t going to eat the rest of the dinner too well anyways. If the nights are really bad with them waking though, I would say it is worth giving them the cheese, you have to pick your battles. If you are following this no pressure approach then you wouldn’t pressure them to eat anything else. Some families need something more concrete and their kids respond well to some boundaries like “you can have some more cheese after you have some rice”. This isn’t my first choice but for some families they prefer that, and I respect that. I would say follow your instincts on those boundaries. Let me know if I can be of more help.
My now 4 yr old son has “front-loaded” his calories for 2 years, meaning he ate non-stop until about 2 pm and then would not touch a bit after that. Consultation with doctors and dieticians decided that this was fine as long as what he WAS eating was nutritionally balanced and give him more protein in the morning as he was missing out on that at dinner. And still offer him dinner with the rest of the family. But boy was that frustrating as parents. No amount of the tactics you list above could get a single bite in his mouth! Finally after 2 years he is starting to come out of this. And what did it take from us as parents? NO PRESSURE. We make dinner. We put the plate in front of him. If he eats 1 bite, great. If he eats the whole plate, great. If he doesn’t eat anything, whatever, he’ll eat tomorrow. So yes, this tip WORKS!
We all know that there is no one correct way that will suit every child. And, to be honest, I have found that the pendulum swings both ways on this one. When my son was starting solids the advice was not to force, then he started at child care and for years was offered food every day and simply didn’t eat it because he knew he didn’t have to. The only time we made any progress was when adhering to a strict regime of trying new things, timing meals and a version of tough love – helping him understand that we want him to eat because he can’t have a full life otherwise. A child cannot make choices if they don’t know what they like, have anxiety around having to make the decision to eat something that they may not like, and will always take the ‘easy’ option. Taking the choice out of his hands actually lowered the anxiety – there was anxiety about the taste but it wasn’t compounded by having to choose to try it. He is now 12 and every time I relax the rules a bit, he gradually finds himself restricting his diet again, and anxiety begins to grow any time he has to eat out, go to camp, invite a friend over …. He will just binge on toast when given the opportunity and the dinner will go uneaten. For some people food is not a source of pleasure. It has to be treated like homework unfortunately, but you’re doing them no favours by allowing them to enter adolescence and adulthood with fussy faddy food issues because it will only get worse.
Like you said, most of us grew up with strict rules around meal times and most adults I know can enjoy a meal out without drama. I doubt my son’s generation will be the same, going by how many of them seem to eat nothing but hot chips and fried crap because they can’t eat anything else and have never been taught the importance of social ties. Attended a 21st recently and the menu was like a party for a 10 year old.
We have been using the “what, when, where and the child chooses whether or not to eat” approach since right after Christmas. Before that it was literally on demand, short order cooking at mr house and I finally had enough. My just turned 4 year-old son is the picky one, my 6 year-old daughter does pretty well. I always make sure I have something familiar and that my son had eaten before at meals and sometimes he’ll eat and sometimes he won’t. And so far he hasn’t starved to death. Another thing I’ve read that we’ve been using, is serving the food family style and letting them serve themselves. This has worked really well, because even if they don’t eat it they continually see it on the table and other family members enjoying it. The highlight was a few weeks back when my 4 year-old, completely on his own, put a carrot stick on his plate and took a little nibble. He said he didn’t like it but to me that’s huge progress.
We stopped pressuring back in November and we have seen a huge change in our 4 (almost 5) year old’s willingness to eat in the last few weeks. Even his appetite has started to increase. I got the book “Helping Your Child with Extreme Picky Eating” back in the fall based on your review of it. And I’ll admit I still haven’t finished it (I also have a newborn so time is limited), but we went ahead and started implementing some of the suggestions. And they are making a difference. We slowly stopped pressuring, it was really hard for us since that is what we were taught by the feeding therapist. I’m sure our results have been delayed since we are dealing with other challenges (newborn), but I’m so thankful for where we are now. He’s gone from eàting maybe one good meal and a few snacks a day of only preferred foods to 2-3 good meals and a good sized snack. And his list of preferred foods is growing! Thank you so much for recommending the book, it has really changed our lives!
My grandson who is 6 is getting very picky. I wasn’t worried until he refused to eat peanut butter after he got sick on it. He is not eating his lunch at school. I grew up with a parent who went through the depression and would make us sit at the table until we ate. I myself lived on peanut butter well into adulthood.
Exactly, there are a lot of layers to how parents handle picky eating. If you haven’t looked around here yet I would encourage you to do so, you will find lots of other tips that can be helpful. Click the article index in the menu bar and scroll to picky eating.
I don’t have a suggestion for picky eating since I have same issues with my kids but as far as getting sick on peanut butter or any other food, it normally takes a while for a person to try that food again after getting sick from it. Like I read somewhere and from my own experience humans never learn so well and so fast from their mistakes unless it is from a food poisoning. So give it some time and reindroduce the peanut butter later.
Thank you for this post! I get the ‘guilt’ trip sometimes when others disagree with my no pressure tactic. I have one kid who eats everything and another that could live on cereal.
My picky eater knocked out her top 2 teeth at the age of 2 (now almost 5), and I believe she is having some ‘texture’ issues from that. So, if I use the tactic of “Try a bite. If you like it, great. If not, you don’t have to eat it” – is that too much pressure? I want her to make her own decision on what she likes, but I’m afraid if I leave it all to her, she won’t ever try anything.
I’m also (still) very picky, and believe that I’m a bad example of what to eat, so I want her to develop better habits of what tastes good, is nutritionally good, and how to put it together (better than me)!
You know Kellie, if it is working for you than it is not. But, by the guidelines Ellyn Satter lays out, it is. Decide where your comfort zone is. Focus on keeping a positive environment too, no negative comments about food and try to all eat the same thing. That will go along way in creating positive eating habits.
Thank you 🙂
Oh my gosh I am so glad I found this article. My son is 4 and is a huge picky eater he also has sensory issues. He would live on crackers if we let him. I can’t wait to see what else you post on this crazy journey.
Glad you found your way here too, Tina! Welcome, I’m working on a big project right now but I promise I’ll be sharing again in a few weeks. In the mean time check the article index in the menu bar for tons of other picky eater posts.
Excellent post! As one of the authors of the book you mention, I applaud you for stepping out there and talking about this issue. Our society’s culture around food and feeding does not help moms who already feel guilty for how their child eats, and having a deeper understanding about why pressure doesn’t help is really important. If anyone is looking for more parent-to-parent support, there is a great closed Facebook group called Mealtime Hostage where the Division of Responsibility and all its daily questions are hashed out in a safe, no-judgment environment. There is also a blog by the same name that is an excellent place to start.
Thank you so much Jenny for stopping by, your helpful comments, and for sharing those other great resources!
Great post! I needed a reminder of this. My kiddos are pretty good eaters, but I can find myself pressuring my oldest to eat certain things. She seems to be getting more picky as she gets older. Packing her school lunch can be such a challenge because the number of meals we have in rotation is so limited so when she suddenly decides she no longer likes something that we have been sending it is so tempting to try to persuade her to just eat it! Managing the schedule of when they eat has served us very well. My concern now with my oldest being in Kindergarten is that I have lost that. They seem to have treats and snacks all the time which leads to a picky eater when dinner rolls around. 🙁
Thank you for an interesting post. Through desperation to get our 3 year old to eat something new I can see we have been pressuring her and making it worse! She is extremely fussy and picky to the point where the number of whole foods she is eating is around 30. I am very concerned about her nutrition levels and would love to see her eat more vegetables and meat. I was pretty sure she had some sensory issues (she won’t eat anything sloppy or wet, ie pasta with sauce or weetbix and milk) so I tried some sensory play but she wasn’t having a bar of it. We will try this new method of not making any comments about the meal and see if we can get a positive result.
I am currently struggling with this very issue as a parent. I understand that everyone has unique likes and dislikes, and I respect that. My struggle is this…. Is this a first world issue? Do children in third world countries have the luxury of being a “picky” eater, or are they just grateful that they aren’t going to bed hungry? If my children REALLY understood hunger, would they eat whatever they were given with a thankful heart? This isn’t meant to be a negative comment… I would really appreciate hearing some other thoughts on this issue as I work through it myself.
Hi Christi, not a negative comment at all! I totally welcome conversation about this and you bring up some good points. To be honest, I’ve asked myself those same questions many times! Here’s what I know… not all picky eating is the same, severe picky eaters usually have underlying causes and I believe those would be present in most parts of the world. I also believe that some children that can’t eat in those countries, die, and that is a sadly a way of life. However, general picky eating, which is so pervasive, I think has major cultural ties and is linked to our first world privileges. Parents handle eating differently from the beginning. I’m not blaming them, everything is just so different. When our babies don’t finish every bite from the baby food jar or a toddler only has a bite of food at a meal we jump up and make something else. We stand on our head to get them to eat because we are worried they will be hungry. I imagine in third world countries this is quite different. I imagine a parent going with the flow and letting that go. They don’t pull out an iPad to get them to eat, they can’t. Plus, their diet is so limited and everyone eats together, all the time. Kids are constantly and positively exposed to the same foods. I wish it could be as simple, but we have so many complicated variables.
Ok, so what DO we do? I’m currently just asking my 14 mo if she would like something she is ignoring on her plate. If she doesn’t bite (pun intended) I leave it alone. I don’t consider her a picky eater but everyone keeps telling me it is coming.
Is the section under “What to do instead” missing? It seems to skip that part and go to a conclusion.
It’s not missing Kelli, it is admittedly brief. I actually just added a few sentences to clarify a fit more. I am going to write at least one follow up to this post that explains more of how to manage this on a daily basis- soon. It is a BIG topic and this post was already getting pretty long. In the mean time I want people to see the eating basics tab and make sure they have all those elements in place. That is the next step and is the way parents should set up the structure and routine, both structure and not pressuring must go hand in hand.
While my gut says you are right, this is the opposite approach we learned from our feeding therapist we worked with for a year and a half and spent gobs of money paying for therapy, special plates, cups, treats, expensive foods just to get out child to eat. He was diagnosed failure to thrive at 15 months and refused all solids. We were desperate and unaware of sensory disorders or their remedy. I have always wondered about the long term effects of our sons therapy and the incredibly warped relationship he has with food. I am desperate to stop the coercion, the bribing and negotiating, but I don’t know what to do. I am going to get the book you recommend, but I’d love to hear how you get out of this hole! Thanks for all the resources you provide.
Oh my gosh Ellen, of course, yes, many therapists (not me) use a behavior approach, especially for children that are in a desperate situation. That last thing I want this post to do is make you feel guilty! It is wonderful that your son is where he is now, those strategies often work much more quickly which is why some therapists go to them. I think you can still move out of this if you feel that is what is best. Getting the book will be immensely helpful, I’m just scratching the surface here and they really lay everything out so that you can fully implement this. I’m not sure how your son’s eating is now, or how old he is, but some families sit and talk to their child telling them there are going to be some changes: One, they don’t have to eat anything they don’t want to. Two, mom and dad pick what is for meals and there is no snacking in between. Some families start to make changes more slowly. I’m going to be writing a follow up to this post in the next few weeks, I see there is a need for that! Let me know if you need more help.
Alisha, thank you so much for replying to my post! This has been such a lonely journey. I don’t know another family dealing with this. My son is almost 4. He has a decent number of preferred foods, but nothing terribly nutritious. He still won’t touch fresh fruit or most fresh veg (he eats broccoli and fried green beans). He only eats highly processed meats, but will occasionally eat beans. Anyway, we have fallen into doing all the things you say to avoid by way of feeding therapy. Our therapist got us out of a tough situation and our son no longer has to go in for monthly weigh-ins. We have made considerable progress in that way. But his behavior is out of control. He asks for rewards for everything he does – getting dressed, going potty, etc. – things he should just do. We specifically asked his therapist what would be the long term effects of this kind of therapy and she said there wasn’t any data out there about it. My husband and I saw so many red flags in the “work” we have been told to do with him and always questioned it. But, it was all we knew to do. I’m excited to know there is another way and very anxious to get on the right track. I’ll be looking forward to your next post!
Oh Ellen, I know how lonely it feels, but truly you are not alone! This blog gets lots of traffic everyday, I get emails everyday from people just like you. Did you read through the other comments? One of the authors chimed in and shared a facebook group- that might be a good place for some support. I’m glad you can see the whole journey, he is growing and not in crisis anymore, that is fantastic!!! There is a lot of hope! Let me know what you think of the book!
My son will be 5 in April and he is an extreme picky eater too… waffles, french fries, go-gurt, goldfish, occasional nugget and oatmeal. It has been a very lonely journey indeed, but you are not alone. I struggle daily but thankful for blogs like this that help me refocus. Good luck on your journey.
Glad you asked! It is bit trickier with young toddlers, but I still want you to check out those eating basics (the link at the end of the post). Pay attention to the spacing apart of meals and making sure she has one thing you know she likes. If she refuses to eat than yes, that is it. Actually, this is really common with toddlers. They will eat really well for one meal, then not so well for several after. However, there are a few things you can do, that aren’t pressuring. First, try to change something up. Give her a toddler fork or spoon and pierce it into the food. Or, give a squirt of a dip on her tray. Or, even cut up the food a little differently. All of these things give them a bit of a re-start and they will often start eating, assuming their refusal is related to typical toddler behavior. If she is really fussy it is okay to let her get out of the chair for a couple of minutes and then try again, but I would only do this once. If she has chronically had a hard time eating than their may be some underlying issues- see the link near the top that is highlighted “variety of reasons”. Hope that helps!