One of the most common questions I get asked is… “How can I teach my child to feed themselves?” Self-feeding is a big deal for tired parents of babies, toddlers, and in some cases, older kids! I was motivated to teach my own kids at a young age because that meant I could sit back and enjoy my own meal again… well, mostly. It is also a skill I have worked on, A LOT, with kids of all ages and abilities as an occupational therapist.
How to Teach Self-Feeding for Babies, Toddlers, and Beyond
In this complete self-feeding guide, I’ll tell you how to teach your baby or toddler to:
- finger feed
- eat with a spoon
- eat with a fork
Each are actually their own independent skill, and they’re typically achieved at different ages. I’m giving you the age guidelines to look for as your child works towards mastering feeding themselves and my OT/Mom strategies for how to help them learn those skills. Of course, I’ll share the best utensils for babies and toddlers learning to self feed, too! So, let’s get started…
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When do Babies Start to Feed Themselves with Their Fingers?
Most babies start feeding themselves those little melt-able puffs right off their tray around 8 months. Initially, you will notice that they grasp the food with their whole hand in a raking motion. They often get a bunch in their hand at once and will try to shove their whole hand into their mouth.
This is a fairly ineffective method, but they manage.
Over the next few weeks and month or two, they will begin to use multiple fingers to pick up food, instead of their whole hand. They’ll continue to refine that movement until they use just their index finger and thumb in a pincer grasp (see the pic below) around 9 months old (but it could range from 7-11 months).
The pincer grasp is important because is lays the foundation for future fine motor skills like writing. Find out more about when to give finger foods to your baby and how to teach them to eat finger foods.
How to Teach Your Baby/Toddler to Use their Fingers to Self-Feed
If your baby or 1 year old isn’t making any effort to use their fingers to feed themselves, make sure you’re giving them opportunity to try and try again, even allowing them to struggle a little. That is how they learn! Give them foods like puffs that are dry and big enough to pick up, but not so big they could choke. (I also like to use these cheese curls or pea crisps designed for babies broken into small pieces).
Most kids are motivated to eat and will figure out how to get it into their mouth. For those that want to eat, but can’t figure it out, the problem sometimes arises with the pincer grasp.
If they aren’t isolating their finger and thumb, set aside some time at the beginning of their meal to give them one piece of food at a time. Try placing one singular puff on their tray first, without a boat load of puffs, they may isolate those fingers for you. If they don’t use the pincer grasp, hold it up in front of them, because it’s easier to grab it out of your fingers instead of off their tray or plate.
Don’t let go of the piece of food until you see them grabbing it with their index finger and thumb. Spend just a few minutes “practicing” at the beginning of the meal, and then let them finish their meal normally so they don’t get too frustrated. Likely, it won’t be long before they have mastered this new skill!
For other foods, trying cutting them into cubes and if they’re squishy like a banana, rolling pieces in crushed dry cereal so they have something to grip.
When Will Your Toddler or Baby Eat with a Spoon?
Occupational therapists look for toddlers to be feeding themselves with a spoon without any assistance by the age of 2. However, most kids are capable of learning much younger than that if they’re given the opportunity. By one year of age, many toddlers proficiently and messily feed themselves with a spoon. If you struggle with the messiness of self feeding, read: Why You Should Let Your Kid Get Messy Eating.
Teaching Your Toddler (or Baby) to Self-Feed with a Spoon
As with finger feeding, the most important thing you can do initially to teach your baby or toddler how to use a spoon is to give them lots of opportunities to try.
Again, this will be messy. That’s okay! The mess is actually helpful for desensitizing them to various textures and help prevent more extreme picky eating in the future.
In the very early days of feeding your baby, this means giving them their own spoon to practice bringing to their mouth while you feed them. This allows your baby to associate the spoon with eating and they get to work on their fine motor skills a little too. Hopefully, your child will put it to their mouth intermittently as you’re feeding them, encourage this.
Once they start to put the spoon to their mouth, put your hand on top of theirs and dip it into the bowl you’ve been feeding them from together, put just enough on the spoon for them to taste. Do this a few times throughout the meal until they start to get the hang of it themselves.
Once they dip and bring the spoon to their mouth several times, it’s time to give them their own little bowl while you are feeding them. I know, they’ll throw the bowl, but you can either keep a hand on it, or use a…
…Suction bowls are awesome and will help keep them from tossing the whole bowl on to the floor. The trick is to only give them a little food in the bowl at a time. At this point, you are still feeding them most of the meal. If they are doing well scooping up food and at least getting some of it into their mouth, put more and more food into the bowl for them to feed themselves.
Once you reach this point, your child is probably around 8- 10 months old, assuming you started feeding them baby food at 6 months. If the mess is becoming too distracting, which it likely will, gently remind them that food goes in their mouth. Try to remember that the mess and playing with food is all part of the process. I know it is challenging, but it is short lived.
Another frustration that often pops up is throwing their bowl or food. Check out How to Stop Babies from Throwing Food for more tips.
You will continue in this way with 2 bowls until you are giving them more and more of the actual food and less bites from your spoon. When they are feeding themselves most of the meal, you can stop using your own bowl. In a short time, you will only be occasionally helping them with a large bite or when they turn the spoon the wrong way.
If you’ve been steadily teaching them how to use utensils, then they’ll likely be independent around 14-16 months old.
Although, it will continue be a supervised process for some time. Also, they will be fairly messy eaters for a while, don’t worry about the food that falls on their bib and chin. I hope I’m not the bearer of bad news, but they will eat like this until about 2 – 2 and 1/2. On the upside, their independence gives you a chance to actually eat your own food!
It is also helpful to keep in mind that thicker foods like yogurt and pudding will be easier to scoop and keep on the spoon. Thinner textures may be frustrating initially.
If you’re toddler isn’t showing much interest or are having a hard time manipulating the spoon, then help them by putting your hand on top of theirs and moving through all the steps of scooping and putting the bite into their mouth (as in the pic below).
See my top picks for spoons at the end of the post!
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When Will Your Toddler Feed Themself With a Fork?
Introduce fork feeding after they mastered using the spoon and have a nice pincer grasp for self feeding. Again, we look for kids to be capable of using a fork by age 2, although most will prefer to use their fingers, which is fine. Kids are capable of using a fork around 15-18 months.
Teaching Your Toddler to Self Feed with a Fork
Begin by placing a safe toddler fork on their plate or high chair tray with a food that’s really easy to pierce like cubes of cheese or a chicken nugget. Noodles and fruit are soft, but slippery, and may fall apart.
In the beginning, we want to keep their frustration level down, and give them a chance at being successful, which will motivate them to keep trying. If they’re having trouble with getting the food onto the fork, provide that hand over hand help again until they get the hang of it. Give them as little help as possible as you move along though.
Continue to offer them a fork and at a minimum, encourage them to use it a few times a week until they are in the preschool years and it becomes more inappropriate to eat everything with their fingers.
The Best Spoons for Toddlers Learning to Self Feed
All three of my boys used these spoons and sporks. I love them because of their wide curved handle, plus the shape allows them to dip only a little and still get a spoonful. That is important in the early days, when their coordination isn’t so hot. I also love the deep bowl of the actual spoon because even when some of the food falls off, it all isn’t lost, which can be really frustrating when their trying so hard.
The Best Forks for Toddlers Learning to Self-Feed
I love these little forks because they too have a soft, wide gripped handle which makes it easier for 1 year olds to use and feed themselves with. The best part is that they are metal and will actually pierce something. But the prongs are rounded just enough so that they aren’t dangerous for little ones.
How to Encourage a Toddler to Feed Themselves that Doesn’t Want to
If your child is already a toddler and you missed the steps I just described, it’s okay, you’re still going to proceed in much the same way. You will likely be moving through those early steps more quickly. Many parents don’t think to give their child a spoon so young or are really overwhelmed by the mess that it causes.
With a toddler, it is important to follow their lead and give them as much help as they need, although it is okay to let them struggle a little here, too. Consistency in how often you are presenting them with a spoon and patience go a long way!
I also have to point out here, that sometimes, toddlers know how to feed themselves, or at least are capable of doing so, but may refuse because they are extremely picky eaters. Read more in 5 Reasons Kids Refuse to Eat if you think this may be the reason behind your child’s refusal to self feed.
If your child is struggling to get the hang of feeding themselves or is refusing to try, make sure it is not the potential mess that is bothering them. If you suspect that they don’t like being messy, show them that you have a napkin nearby and give them their own. If they do get a little messy and it upsets them, be quick to clean it up. Check out how to help kids with sensory sensitivities.
Regardless of the reason they are having difficulty: consistency, patience, and practicing together are the keys to progress.
To keep the ideas coming, grab my FREE Must-Have Printable: 9 Tips to Improve Eating, we’ll send it right to your inbox!
More on Feeding Babies and Toddlers
Baby and Toddler Feeding Red Flags
How to Teach Your Baby or Toddler to Drink from a Straw
The Ultimate List of Baby/Toddler Meal Ideas
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Alisha Grogan is a licensed occupational therapist and founder of Your Kid’s Table. She has over 18 years experience with expertise in sensory processing and feeding development in babies, toddlers, and children. Alisha also has 3 boys of her own at home. Learn more about her here.
Hello,
I am having trouble getting my daughter to eat with a spoon. Before trying to feed her from a bowl and with a spoon. I would place her food on her tray and have her eat with her hands. She would eat but not enough as she would start to play with her food. Now I’ve tried hand over hand with a spoon but she cries and throws a tantrum. She does not want to eat. How can i fix this.
It sounds like this might be more of a picky eater issue or maybe she’s eating enough? Kids often require a lot less than we realize sometimes… I’d check out these tips and see if there’s anything you can add to help.
I really hope you can help me.
My son is 2,5 year son old and is really really messy when he eats. He still cant use a spoon or a fork by himself(100% our fault because we have been so bad at letting him do it when he was younger, and then we found out a few months ago that he had pretty poor eyesight and needed glasses).
He has very little patience and just crumbles everything(or smears it all over himself) when he gets tired of trying or is finished eating. He is not a picky eater though.
The problem is that in august he goes from nursery daycare with a lot of help to kindergarten where whey don’t have the resources to help and the kids are expected to be able to feed themselves without a mess.
So we are on a deadline to try and help him learn to eat mess free
Hi we have a 25 month old daughter. She is a great kid but when it comes to her eating it is always hard. She eats ok with me on her own but with my wife she struggles. My wife puts her front of the TV and puts the food in her mouth as she watches the TV. When I protested to this after several months she started to read books in front of her as she feeds her by hand because she won’t pick up the food herself. I protested to this as well and now she plays games with her and tries to give her the food to hold by hand which she usually dropes. It takes about 30 minutes to an hour to feed her in any of these various ways. I know we are doing everything wrong but my wife disagrees. I wanted to know the problems this could cause down the road so that I can explain it to my wife. Also please tell us what we should do to get everything in order and move in the right direction. I do have to say though that she is healthy physically she is 50 percentile in weight and 60 percentile in height. Thank you in advance.
That’s great Isaac, and I’m so glad you’re being proactive! There are so many kids just like your daughter that are thriving and doing well, but have a serious case of picky eating. I actually have a lot on here that I think will be really helpful. First, I want you to check out this post about distractions. Then, I want you to read, why kids don’t eat. Lastly, I have a free workshop that would be perfect for you guys… in it I talk about exactly what you’re asking about clearly and its really inspiring for a lot of parents. Maybe you guys could watch it together? You can sign up free here.
I will say to answer you specifically, that the long term effects are that a child doesn’t learn to eat because their brain is on auto pilot as their distracted. They tend to over-eat and can further make negative associations with food. As they grow older they don’t have feeding skills and problems can spiral even worse. They also often learn to connect eating as something of a reward and may either be over-eaters or because it was never pleasant they don’t eat well. I hope that helps!
My son is almost 21 months he can and will self feed with a spoon and fork if he feels like it. Most of the time he will just play with the food and spill it or throw it to the ground. He will let us feed him and will eat a decent amount but he is also very fussy. He will not eat much meat except hamburgers which is a rare treat so most of his protein comes from eggs, hummus and peanut butter. I feel bad feeding him the same foods everyday. Should I just leave him with a plate and if he doesn’t eat or throws it just let him down and be done for that meal?
The short answer to that is yes, but I’d gently encourage him and keep mealtimes as positive as you can. There are a lot of other things you can do, too, that will help him learn to eat better, but first it would be REALLY helpful to figure out what going on, check out 5 reasons kids don’t eat. And, also, I have a free workshop you can take that teaches you 3 important strategies to helping kids eat better. You can sign up for free here.
Hi. I am a mom of twins . They are 16 months age adjusted. Everyday eating takes hours the mess is amazing. They refuse the suction plates they take them out of their table and poor all the food over the table top . One of them love to through down to the floor all the food. He became a really picky eater. 5 to 7 times a day I have to wash the floors of suck a mess they make with food. ah also their refuse and get really angry with the bibs. How I can make them keep the food in the plate? And use bibs?
To be honest I might forget the plates for now and try again in a month, just give them a break. Put just a couple pieces of food at a time on their plates. As for the bibs, I know its so hard, I went through a battle with each of my kids at this age and really it just takes persistence and patience. I would always put them back on and ignore the cries, it took some time but they eventually got past it. However, I know other people couldn’t deal with it so they just stripped their kids down before meals, that works too!
Hi!
My son is 14 months old. He is a great eater in that he eats all kinds of solid foods. We also had no trouble with the switch to cow’s milk and the sippy cup. The problem is he does not self feed at all. He has not yet grasped picking up food and when he does, he doesn’t put it in his mouth. Rather, he puts it in his high chair or drops it on the floor. I have tried to show him with Cheerios but no luck yet. Also, he rarely reaches for the spoon when we are feeding him. Last, lately he has been trying to hold the sippy cup, but hasn’t mastered drinking from it yet while he’s holding it. I think these issues may stem from the fact that my mom (who watches him while we work) and I are neat freaks so I don’t think he’s had enough practice. How do I fix this?
Hi I need some advice! I have a 12 month daughter that is eating all solid foods, weening her off of puréed food but my problem is she is so persistent on using a spoon for everything and refuses to let me feed her or help her. She screams when I try to help. She wants to be the only one with a spoon. I’m glad she is independent but I am afraid she is not getting enough food because half of the time she can’t get the food in her mouth. How do I let her learn but still make sure she is getting the nutrients?
Will she allow you both to have a spoon? Give her her own bowl with a little in it while you control the bigger bowl. I’d also give her finger foods at every meal too so she is able to feed herself more efficiently:)
Hi Alisha,
My son is 16 month old. He is not eating anything by himself. I have seen him biting his toys but not picking anything from floor and eating it. But he could use his pincer grasp to pick say, peanut from floor. He just explores it and throws away. I even tried offering his favorite finger foods on his palm when he is hungry asking him to eat it by himself. He just throws it away crying or giving it back to me expecting me to feed him. He is a premature baby born on 34 weeks. Is this a normal thing for my son? Please assist me on what I should do to improve his eating behavior.
Does he eat well? Have a decent variety of foods?
Sometimes children won’t feed themselves because they aren’t interested in eating. Other times they just haven’t made the connection. If it is the latter, I’d follow the messy baby food idea while he’s in his high chair. Take his hand to his mouth so the begins to understand. This will take a lot of repetition. I’d even try the fork at his age and do the act busy trick with the fork loaded when you know he’s really hungry.
Does that make sense? Let me know how that goes!
Ya he eats well and eat variety of foods too. Only problem is he is not eating by himself. Sometimes he plays with food. But he never tries taking it to mouth even when he is at the peak of hunger. Anyway, I will try all your suggestions. I can wait even for months training him, just wanna make sure that this is not something abnormal. Thank you so much for your quick reply!
Sure, Ju, let me know how it goes!
I have a 2 and 1/2 year old son. He used to do good feeding himself and being independent. But now a days he doesn’t, I had to bribe him with so many things and I had to sit with him to feed him; it takes us ages for him to swallow and be ready for the next bite. He keeps the food in his mouth. He seems not to enjoy eating so much and that is stressing me out. How can I get him feed himself and enjoy his meals like he used to do? I appreciate the help!
Hi Rani,
Based on the little your shared here, it sounds like he is having food aversions, which can be incredibly stressful. Do me a favor, head to my start here and take a look at the couple of articles I have listed for picky eating. I think this is a really good starting point for you. Once you’ve looked at that let me know if you have questions. There is a way out of this!
Hi,i have same problem how I can teach my 16months old to feed himself.he can hold mobile,toys very tightly so no problem with grip.but whenever I put some food on his try he starts dropping food from his high chair.as I think he doesn’t like being messy because he starts to clean his hands with clothes.kindly guide me
This is very common at this age, as frustrating as it is. Check out the article index at http://www.yourkidstable.com/articles you will find some posts on letting your kids be messy, and toddler eating, they should be really helpful. I will say only give him a few pieces of food at a time and be patient and consistent- not always easy, I know!
My son is 12.5 months old and refuses to self feed at all (except with a bottle). He loves food and is pretty good about trying different things as long as we feed him, though he takes a while to warm up to new textures. But he simply will not put food in his own mouth, even if it’s something he loves and he is signing for it. If I put food on his tray he will carefully pick it up and hand it back to me and whine until I put it in his mouth. If I put it back on his tray he will hand it back to me, and will keep this up until I feed him or until he gets frustrated and throws it on the ground. If I walk away he will pick it up and throw it on the ground, methodically throwing every piece until his tray is empty. If I give him a larger piece of fruit (a whole strawberry or a chunk of banana) he will sometimes take one nibble and then he will squash it and rub it all over his tray. Any advice? Do you think this is just stubbornness/boundary testing or is there some kind of oral issue here? He has never been the kind of kid who puts toys or other things in his mouth except very occasionally when teething. He also had issues with feeding early on including a lip and tongue tie, which we had cut. He never was able to suck well enough to breastfeed. Thanks for your help!
Hi Steph, it sounds like he has an aversion- of course I can’t be sure- but he does have some red flags. He definietly needs to start getting things into his mouth. If you aren’t already, at least start brushing his teeth 2-3 times a day- not with one of those finger things or a washcloth, a real toothbrush. Brush his tongue, encourage him to chew on it. Get his teethers out, dip them in foods he likes. This will help immensely. I would also consider calling early intervetnion in your state, search for that in my search bar or see the article index in the menu bar. This is totally free, and could be really helpful. Great question!
Hi,
Your article is very helpful.
my daughter is 2 years now and she doesn’t like food ,but when i feed her she eats.
Another big problem is that she wont accept to be fed by anyone else.
What can i do to make sure she eats even when am not around her.
Hi Gladys, first thing I’d do is head to the start here button in the menu bar. Read there and click through to eating basics. Make sure you are following everyone of those items for a week or two and then we can talk about some more advanced strategies. If you are already doing that then let me know!
My son is going to turn 2 next month. He likes food but doesn’t want to eat on his own at all. He would take a bite or two and even if he is hungry, he wouldn’t eat more.Whereas he eats it all if I feed him.He was making a good progress when he was 13 months but we had a nanny who started feeding him and now the situation is that he keeps waiting for us. He refuses to eat on his own. He would eat things like cheerios,french fries etc. Basically, things that are completely non-messy and dry, he would eat. But, he doesn’t like to get dirty at all. He hates it if anything gooey touches his hands. They have to be wiped immediately. Same with his face, it just cannot get dirty. We have got him enrolled into part time school now and I am wondering if we should be looking to get therapy or I am just not sure how to go about it. Please advise. I am very tensed right now.
I know it can be really stressful. It is never a bad idea to get an evaluation and see if he needs more help. I’d start with my eating tab in the menu bar. Start following all of those steps. Then take a look at the post, Sensory Processing and Picky Eating. I know its a lot of reading and I don’t want to overwhelm you, but you asked a lot of big questions. Take a look at those posts and then let me know if you have more questions, you can find all my posts by clicking on articles in the menu bar. Read through the comments here, too!
It’s hard to read your website when you have ads all over the words that won’t go away. I went on three different computers, chrome, and internet explorer and couldn’t read everything due to this. Might want to rethink that!
Oh my gosh, first of all I’m sorry. Because all of my professional advice is free here and I commit a lot of hours to sharing here I do have to use ads to keep this blog going. However, if you can’t see the information that is a huge problem. I don’t place the ads myself but have an ad network that does, I can’t see the ads you are talking about. THere were no “x’s” to close the boxes? Did they pop up or just on the pictures?
My apologies again jordan, there was some sort of glitch with that particular article, I have no idea why, but it is taken care of now, sorry for the inconvenience and thank you for bringing it to my attention.
Alisha,
I completely understand needing advertising to keep the blog running. No, there was no way to remove the ad. There were no “x’s”, if you clicked on the screen it wouldn’t go away. I am glad you got it taken care of!
My daughter is just about 10 months old and we’ve been struggling with feeding solids pretty much from the beginning (we started at just under 6 months). At first she was SUPER sensitive to texture, where she would gag, and subsequently puke, with almost every bite. Puff or anything remotely large would immediately yield this result. Over time, she’s gotten so much better with purees and flavors (she’s onto stage 3 and 4 pouches) and will even eat the Lil Bits containers. However, she refuses to pick up food and put it in her mouth. She will play with whatever we put in front of her, but it always ends up on the floor. She doesn’t even attempt to put it in her mouth. If we pick up the food, she leans in for us to feed her. She still sometimes gags, but mostly just slowly gums the food and eventually swallows. I am terrified she’s never going to get the hang of it! Plus, she’s always been on the lower end of weight so there is a fear of her not getting enough nutrition.
She is also slightly behind in speech. Isn’t babbling at all, though makes plenty of sounds, grunts, etc. Could these two things be connected? I am starting to worry that she’s going to fall behind her peers at daycare and get left in the dust. Any advice is much appreciated!
Hi Laura, I’m so glad you wrote. Based on what you just told me I think it is very likely that she has an oral motor delay. That means she doesn’t know how to chew because she is having difficulty coordinating how to move her muscles to chew and/or her muscles have weakness. This can be addressed, but I would highly recommend getting an evaluation as soon as possible. You can do that through early intervention for free if you live in the states. Click on the article index in the menu bar and see the article, “help for babies and toddlers”. She isn’t picking up the food because she doesn’t know how to eat it. This oral motor delay is also definitely related to speech. This may be a very minor issue, and may only need some specific techniques to improve quickly. If you haven’t already I would also suggest reading “how to transition to table foods” there are two parts to that. You can try going through this steps as well. Lastly, and there is no pressure, I’m available for consults. I’d have you send some video or I’d watch her eat on the consult to assess what is going on. Please let me know if you have more questions!
Hi Laura, I’m so glad you wrote. Based on what you just told me I think it is very likely that she has an oral motor delay. That means she doesn’t know how to chew because she is having difficulty coordinating how to move her muscles to chew and/or her muscles have weakness. This can be addressed, but I would highly recommend getting an evaluation as soon as possible. You can do that through early intervention for free if you live in the states. Click on the article index in the menu bar and see the article, “help for babies and toddlers”. She isn’t picking up the food because she doesn’t know how to eat it. This oral motor delay is also definitely related to speech. This may be a very minor issue, and may only need some specific techniques to improve quickly. If you haven’t already I would also suggest reading “how to transition to table foods” there are two parts to that. You can try going through this steps as well. Lastly, and there is no pressure, I’m available for consults. I’d have you send some video or I’d watch her eat on the consult to assess what is going on. Please let me know if you have more questions!
Hi Laura, I’m so glad you wrote. Based on what you just told me I think it is very likely that she has an oral motor delay. That means she doesn’t know how to chew because she is having difficulty coordinating how to move her muscles to chew and/or her muscles have weakness. This can be addressed, but I would highly recommend getting an evaluation as soon as possible. You can do that through early intervention for free if you live in the states. Click on the article index in the menu bar and see the article, “help for babies and toddlers”. She isn’t picking up the food because she doesn’t know how to eat it. This oral motor delay is also definitely related to speech. This may be a very minor issue, and may only need some specific techniques to improve quickly. If you haven’t already I would also suggest reading “how to transition to table foods” there are two parts to that. You can try going through this steps as well. Lastly, and there is no pressure, I’m available for consults. I’d have you send some video or I’d watch her eat on the consult to assess what is going on. Please let me know if you have more questions!
Thank you so much for responding! Of course, in the last two days, she’s figured out how to babble. I know she’s still a bit behind, but such relief that she’s making progress. Also doing a bit better on the table foods, but still only eats if I put it in her mouth. I’ve been trying the techniques from your Introing TableFoods article and it’s just difficult since she has no interest in getting the good to her mouth. Plus, she’s so independent that she doesn’t want any help. So guiding her hand to her mouth isn’t always a viable option. That being said, apparently she is sometimes doing it at daycare, but it’s definitely few and far between. I’ll likely reach out for an evaluation soon, just in case. Can you also send me info on your consultation services, too? Thank you, again!