5 Tricks for Kids that Hate Getting Their Hair Washed

  Today’s episode of the Connected and Capable podcast is brought to you by the new How to Decrease Aggressive Behaviors workshop coming May 20th. I’m teaching this workshop to help parents and therapists know what the common triggers are, why kids get aggressive, which many kids, especially uniquely wired neurodivergent kids, get aggressive, and a clear plan of exactly what to do that is safe for everyone and that is respectful of the child when aggression rises.

It’s all based on strong current research, and I’m so excited to teach this to you in this two-hour workshop. You can check out the show notes or head to yourkidstable.com to find out more about grabbing a seat on May 20th to this special workshop. The recording will be added afterwards, and if you are a member of the Connection Hive or the Therapist All Access membership, this workshop is included in your membership.

All right. Let’s get started with the show today, which is all about how to help kids that struggle with hair washing. This is a huge challenge for some of our sensory kids and something that they have to do pretty often, right? So today, we’re gonna break down five tips that you can start using now if your kid is losing it when they have to get their hair washed. If they are crying, if they are freaking out, maybe they’re getting aggressive and hitting you and refusing to get their hair washed. Maybe there’s just a lot of big emotions. Maybe they’re in full meltdown mode.

Now, I just wanna explain before we get into these tips briefly what’s going on here. Now, first of all, when kids don’t like hair washing, most of the time this is related to their sensory system, right? These are their sensory needs. We are definitely seeing some sensory sensitivities here. Now, here’s the thing that’s tricky. Once your kid has had a negative experience in the bath, maybe they got soap in their eyes, maybe they felt unsteady, maybe they fell backwards, maybe they even just felt like they gulped in water and it was overwhelming to them.

There could be so many small things that happen in any given minute that they may not articulate to you, and this, this is even true for, for older kids. You know, we see elementary kids even struggling with this activity sometimes, although it does tend to get- Better as kids get more independent and are able to be in control of this activity, so it’s not being done to them. Like, there’s not an adult washing their hair. They’re the ones washing their hair, so they’re kind of able to control where the soap is, where their head position is.

Now, sometimes this is coming up every single time that you have to give your kid a bath because these sensory needs are, are ongoing. Your kid has a sensitivity to touch, so the scrubbing that’s required on the head is so uncomfortable for them pretty much every time you go to wash their hair. Or it might be the smell of the shampoo, or the shampoo getting in their eyes that is so uncomfortable for them and causes them to get very reactive and very on guard.

It’s also possible that they have a vestibular sensitivity. So remember, we’ve talked about vestibular sensitivities a couple of times, but this is our sense of movement, and it’s one of our hidden senses. So yeah, you didn’t learn about it in h- in kindergarten, but it is important, and it literally is working all of the time in our life. It is what helps us understand where our body is when we’re being tipped backwards.

So, you know, if you think about just laying down on the floor or laying down in bed at night, you probably do not think about this, but kids with vestibular sensitivities, being tipped backwards where they cannot see, so they’re having to completely rely on their vestibular system. If it’s not processing th- that, that input very well, it’s going to make them feel dizzy. It’s going to make them feel unsteady. It’s going to make them potentially feel like they’re falling.

Truly, if you can think about doing a trust fall, how many of you are comfortable with doing a trust fall? You know, you stand straight as a board, and there’s somebody behind you, and you let yourself fall all the way back without catching yourself. That’s a hard thing to do, right?

I mean, it’s called a trust fall because we’re trusting that person to catch us, but that sensation of falling straight back is what kids with vestibular sensitivities are often feeling when they get tipped backwards to wash their hair, when they get tipped backwards to even change a diaper.

And you will even see this in play as kids get older, that they really might struggle with this, just they avoid certain types of movement on the floor because they’re trying to avoid this kind of tipping back. So the bath time struggle can be because of that, and that’s showing up every time the bath happens. But you also may be dealing with fluctuating sensory needs.

So this is very common when we see that kids are kind of in different places of their regulation Remember, our regulation, our nervous system regulation is always in flux every single day, and really is changing minute to minute based on so many different factors, like how hungry are-we are, how hydrated we are, if we have slept, if we’re worried about something, if there are these sensations coming in in our environment, right? There, there are so many things that kind of affect our nervous system regulation.

And so if a child is feeling like they remember may… and this can even be on an unconscious level, negative experiences in a bath, they can get anxious, which is going to make it feel dysregulated, and they’re not going to say to you, “Hey Mom, I’m anxious,” ’cause they probably do not have that terminology, that language. They just know that they’re worrying or that their heart rate is starting to go up, or they’re not feeling so good, and they know that, “I don’t wanna get my hair washed again because that other thing happened that other time.” So there might not be current sensory needs happening with it, as much of it was kind of this traumatic event that happened for them, and they haven’t been able to really articulate that.

So I’m starting here because I think it’s important for us to just be aware of what is going on. Now, at the same time, you don’t have to get down to the nitty-gritty body- bottom of it. These tips today that we’re gonna walk through are gonna help in either situation. It’s just that if you know, “Oh my gosh, this is, this is so related to their sense of touch. They hate being touched. They don’t like when I rub their arm. They’re really particular about their clothes.

Okay, this makes so much sense that they also hate the scrubbing.” It also, you know, if you know, “Oh my gosh, they’ve always hated getting tipped back. When they were younger, they hated getting tipped back, for their diaper, and I never realized that was a thing.” Okay. Well, those are, those… That’s helpful information. That’s basically going to help you give your kid the right support. And again, if you’re not sure, you can offer or try out these suggestions, these strategies that we’re gonna walk through today, and see what is effective.

Okay? So with all that being said, our first tip is to try to not tip your kid backwards. Okay, now I know that that seems like the most common sense thing to do because you’re trying to keep the soap out of their eyes. And this is another clue also. If you can think back to when your child first started crying or getting upset about the hair washing, when was it? When… Was it when while you were scrubbing their hair? Was it while you were tipping them back?

Now again, because they are on high alert and this isn’t a stressful activity for them, they’re feeling super dysregulated, their anxiety might be really high, it is possible that they’re gonna just start crying now right away, which is why I’m saying to think back. But that’s not always the case Some kids are like, “Look, I’m good. I love the bath. Just do not tip me back. I will not give you a hard time until you start to tip me backwards.”

Okay? Having them feel, like, steady and secure is, is important, and I, I actually think I shared this on another podcast episode, so this is kind of a bonus tip. One of our members in The Connection Hive is a grandma. Her granddaughter is really struggling with bath time, and we, we realized she has these vestibular sensitivities.

So grandma had a brilliant idea, and she is four and still fits in a Bumbo seat. So for those of you, mo- most of you are familiar with these little Bumbo seats that are for, like, babies and toddlers that are kind of like these little squishy chairs that are washable and that you can sit a baby in. Their little legs stick out of the, kind of the holes that are there for them, and it kinda keeps them propped upwards. But it’s very snug, and would come even around a toddler or preschooler’s trunk to help support them. It’s also why sometimes even with kids younger than you would think, maybe even age five or six, sometimes it’s beneficial to start a shower instead of doing a bath because it eliminates this tipping backwards.

Now, please hear me. Go watch the vestibular sensitivities episode that we did a month or so ago, I’ll link that up in the show notes, because we wanna always first support a sensitivity. So if there’s a touch sensitivity with the scrubbing, if there’s a vestibular sens- sensitivity with tipping back, we always wanna support first and not force. But it is important to start working on those sensitivities because vestibular sensitivities in particular can start to result in learning and reading challenges in, in the years to come. So we wanna support, but it is also important to, to start working on, on those sensitivities. But these right now, what we’re talking about is how do we make this bath time feel doable for both you and your child when right now it might feel super overwhelming?

So when I say don’t tip back, I mean that you’re going to have to dump the water, right? Now, that will be s- totally fine for some kids. For other kids, that’s not going to be great. You can ask them to look up and just tilt back a little bit and see where their tolerance is with how far they can tip back. You can also put your hand across their forehead like a visor. That is not gonna be a perfect seal. Okay? That is not gonna be a perfect seal for that, but it can be helpful.

And that, th- that brings me to tip number two, which is you can also use a bath visor. So they… These are sold widely in so many places because a lot of kids struggle with usually getting soap or water in their eyes. That’s kind of the primary reason, and there is a s- obviously a huge sensory component to that, too. You know, that feeling of it just kind of running down your kid’s face can feel really uncomfortable, so the visor can be really helpful. Now, for some kids, the visor is confusing. It’s like, “What is this thing? Why do I have it on my face?” And so please don’t mishear me here, because I’m not saying that this is the ideal sit- solution.

I always wanna just try to go slow pouring the water first. I wanna maybe use a shampoo that has a low lather. I’m gonna, do very careful tips instead of just, like dumping and totally flooding their face. Now, sometimes, things are getting so out of control, we are trying to go quickly, but I am trying to shield their eyes as much as possible if that also seems like it is bothering… if it is bothering them.

Now, on that note, let’s move on to, on to tip number three. This is another support, which is to choose the shampoo wisely. Now, I know many of you, I have talked to so many of you over the year, and you’re like, I have like 10 shampoos.” So I don’t want you to feel like you have to go buy 10 shampoos. But we do wanna think about using a tear-free shampoo, particularly if your kid is complaining about it being in their eyes, so that it doesn’t sting if that happens. But also, we want to think about the lather, which I just mentioned, and if you have a soap that is just making tons and tons of bubbles, like that’s fun, the hair feels really clean, but it’s a lot of water to get that out. We might wanna think about trying some that are a lower lather.

And then number three, we wanna think about what is the smell of the shampoo, because sometimes that is the sensory trigger that is underneath. So you might wanna try, if you have something that’s strong-smelling right now or something you’ve always used, you might wanna try switching to a low, a low smell or no smell, no added smell shampoo, or, or try switching to something that’s really calm and soothing, like a lavender type of smell or a vanilla type of smell. Some of, some of the shampoos out there are so great. You know, they’re, they’re marketed towards kids, and they’re very bold scents. That could be really overwhelming. So think about choosing your shampoo wisely.

Okay. That brings us to tip number four, which I really love. This one is actually from Laura, who is on our, our team and is also an occupational therapist and mom, and I think this one is so genius, and that is to put a picture or a sticker in the shower right ahead of where your… or wherever your kid is getting bathed at, so that they can see that and focus on that when you’re washing their hair If you have the bandwidth, I mean, you could change these out.

You could just, like, print out a bunch of different ones and, like, stick them up and say, and, like, wait until it’s time to do the hair washing. Some kids will be totally fine. You could just put a sticker there, leave it, and when you go to wash their, their hair, you know, you’re saying, “Oh, look at Bluey. Where’s Bluey? Where’s Spider-Man?” You know, whatever it is, like, whatever the, the picture or the sticker is that you have, you have it kind of straight ahead on the wall in front of them, maybe up a little bit so it’s causing them to just tilt their head back a little bit.

Be aware of that, though, because if you see them starting to look at it and they can’t… Although, you know, again, most kids can kinda hold their head still and just use their eyes to look up if they’re really trying to avoid tipping their head back. And then you can tell them, “Keep looking,” or, “Just gonna rinse while you’re looking at Bluey.” This gives the brain something to do when it’s freaking out.

Now, again, some kids can even benefit from, you know, kids that are s- really imaginative or, or really motivated by stickers and pictures and those types of things, changing them out. You can say, “Okay, tell me who’s up there,” and asking them questions. “What are they doing? What are they wearing?” And giving th- or giving them prompts to make up a story. Yeah, like, “What do you, what do you think Bluey’s doing up there today? Is he going to get breakfast? Is he going to play with his friends?” You know, saying something really silly so that you’re engaging them.

And you wanna keep your speech small because if your child is already dysregulated or their dysregulation is building, if we say too much, it’s too much to process and they’re not gonna be able to follow, okay? But having this sticker out or picture in front of them gives their brain something else to focus on besides the thoughts that are probably spiraling in their head of, “This is uncomfortable. This is horrible. Oh, my gosh, what if soap gets in my eyes again? I hope she doesn’t tip me backwards because I’m gonna freak out, and that’s gonna feel horrible, and I’m scared, and I don’t know how to articulate all this stuff, so I’m just gonna cry, and I’m gonna scream, and I might even hit.” That helps funnel that attention.

All right? Let’s walk through these. I just wanna review the first four tips first, before we get to this last one. So we wanna try to not tip backwards, particularly- if we think there’s some type of vestibular sensitivity. Of course, if you’re like, “Oh, I know this is so tactile-based,” like they just don’t like the scrubbing, they don’t really like touch, or the soap is in their eyes, then you don’t have to worry about that.

If your k- if you know that your kid doesn’t mind being tipped backwards, and that’s actually a really good strategy for helping them, uh, keep the soap out of their eyes, then that’s great. By all means, tip them back. I will say one other small tip here, is that you can put your hand nice and firm on their back while ever you’re scrubbing their hair or whenever you’re trying to tip them back. That proprioception that you’re giving, that’s one of our other hidden senses, is very calming. It’s reassuring. It helps them identify, “Oh, there’s something here that I can lean into and push up against. I’m not just gonna fall straight backwards.” If you’re scrubbing their hair and that’s uncomfortable, and you have one hand that you’re just kind of holding firmly on their shoulder, it’s gonna give them a sense of being grounded. You know, like this is the same effect of like a weighted blanket or a weighted animal.

Okay? So you can combine that while you’re trying… while you’re either trying not to tip back or you’re tipping back very intentionally to keep the soap out of their eyes, okay? That’s number one. Number two is to use a bath visor, or at least try one, for either avoiding tipping back or fears of soap in the face. Number three is choosing a shampoo wisely, again, particularly if your kid is sensitive to smells. Number four is giving them something to look at, and number five is to regulate first.

So if your child is in this pattern of this bath time being stressful and overwhelming, then the best thing that you can do truly is to do a regulation activity with them. So this almost always involves organized movement, although it can just be movement in general. For some kids, that is, you know, running around and playing a game of it tag or having a dance party before they go and transition to the bath. For some kids, that’s gonna keep them kind of wound up, and so it might need to be more organized in an obstacle course, or we’re running up and down the hallway and tagging, and tagging the door at the end of the hallway five times. When you run here, you slap my hand. You run down there, you hit the wall. So it’s this organized, intentional movement back and forth.

It could also be any type of kind of heavy work where you’re using that proprioception, like pushing a laundry- a weighted laundry basket. It’s all loaded up with all the towels that need folded, having them push that back and forth, up and down the hallway or around the room or on a circuit, doing jumping jacks, doing squats for older kids.

Okay? Tons of options for regulation activities. We’ve talked about that in a few other episodes. But we wanna start with getting them regulated. So if that’s a new concept to you, definitely scroll through some of our previous episodes. We talk about this very often because so many of our uniquely wired kids are very dysregulated. They don’t know, how to calm themselves down, and what we’re seeing is them spiral further and further and further out of control because their brain is feeling really out of control.

So if we can lower their regulation at a time when they’re already s- probably starting to get dysregulated out of fear of what this experience is gonna be like or remembering past experiences, then we can reset, give them a stronger base to start with, and then when we add in these other supports, gosh, washing hair can look a lot different and a lot calmer.

Now, if your kid is escalating to those aggressive behaviors, then I hope you join me in the Aggressive Behaviors workshop. I’m so excited to teach this one because I get questions about this all of the time. It’s not a quick solution, but there are solutions. There is a lot of strong research to help you know exactly how to support your kid, and that’s what we’re gonna be drilling down on, talking about. We have printables, we have slides. It’s, it’s gonna be great. So I hope you grab a seat. The link for that is in the show notes.

And I just want you to know that, you know, I… there are so many of these daily hygiene activities that kids with sensory needs or neurodivergence really struggle with, everything from cutting fingernails to getting a haircut, to having to take medication, all of those types of things. So if there’s another, if there’s another one of these daily activities that you’re like, “Oh my gosh, give me the tips and strategies for that,” let me know.

Let us know in the comments. We would love to hear from you. Reply to one of our emails. We would love to hear that. You can also find a free printable in our show notes with calming and regulation strategies to help get you started, so look for that too if you, if you’re not on our email list.

And lastly, I just, I just wanna encourage you in that I know how hard these moments can feel with our kids, especially when it’s like this daily activity, this thing that we have to do, this thing that we have to tackle, and especially a, a bath time situation, which is often in the evening, often when we’re really tired and feeling kinda dysregulated ourselves, that- It’s, it’s okay that this is a process, and I want you to just know that just by being here, hearing some of these strategies, it’s going to help reframe this experience for you and your child. It doesn’t need to look perfect.

You don’t need to use all of it tonight, but take something from here to start using. I’d love for you to just take a deep breath right now, and just to kind of pat yourself, on the back in saying that, “You know what? We’re just gonna take one step at a time.” All right? That is possible, my friend. It has been so good to be here with you. I’ll be looking for you next time