3 Steps for When You’re Too Dysregulated to Help Your Kid

  Welcome to the Connected and Capable podcast. You are here with Alisha Grogan. I am an occupational therapist and I am also a mom, who is living this day in and day outright alongside of those of you that are listening as parents and caregivers. I know we have many, therapists and professionals that listen to you, and I’m just, I’m so grateful.

However you found your way here. That you’re open, that you’re listening, that you’re learning. Listen, I just, I wanna say something because I know that, gosh, in, in this day and age, gosh, that makes me sound old. We just, we have so much information at our fingertips. There’s so much good in that. But man, it can be really overwhelming too.

And it’s really interesting because. And I started your kids table.com back in 2012. I started it because I saw a huge gap and that we didn’t have all of this information yet, and I felt like there were so many parents out there struggling and they didn’t have these tools. Around sensory needs and picky eating, was a big one. And there just there really, because it was 2012, there just really wasn’t a lot of people, sharing that kind of information. But that has changed. That has changed. There are so many voices. There are so much information. There are so many. AI options to put in and you know, now just ask, oh hey, what is this? Or like, what should I do? And, you know, is that information helpful or not?

I, you know, I’m sure it is, it is definitely at times and other times it’s just too much. Um, and so for this podcast, it is so important to me. Uh, that this is not information or sensory overload for you. And, I’m really saying all of this because today’s episode is about. Your regulation, and this is something we’re gonna be talking about a lot more.

Uh, for those of you that are members in our connection hive, you know that we did a one hour kind of guided regulation on this, and you know, that’s in our library. We are going to be putting out a detailed two hour workshop on this later this year. But I hear more than anything right now. That parents feel like they are drowning in their own dysregulation. And I, oh man, I resonate with that. I really, I, I can think of many times I have had that experience myself as a parent. And I think this is particularly true for, parents that also have. A diagnosis themselves, that are neurodivergent themselves may be, a parent has autism or ADHD or an anxiety diagnosis, or truly a slew of other things, that can be going on.

Childhood trauma, just so many different things and layers that you hear these strategies and you learn them. But it’s like, great, that sounds awesome. Thanks for this direction, but. I’m not even sure how to do this because I feel so dysregulated, and we heard this so much in particular this past week because on Instagram,

I posted a reel. Of, me saying basically kind of like a split screen of on one side was, Hey, I’m a parent that sees executive functioning challenges. And on the other side of the screen was, I’m a parent that sees bad behavior. And so the real, which was like three minutes long, goes on to show multiple clips of me responding to my kid as like, this is bad behavior, right?

So I, I say to my, I say to my son off camera, you can’t, I mean, actually there was no kids there, but, you know, I’m acting like I’m talking to a kid and, and I say, oh my gosh, how many times do I have to put your shoes away? Now I’m in a really, I’m in a really calm state right now, so I’m not even really doing this justice if you’ve seen the real, you know what I mean? I was in that moment really acting, and I walked through like, oh, I just found these candy wrappers hidden in the bathroom. And I just like, I can’t take this anymore. Like, you’re, what are you doing?

Or, our plans changed. I need you to get it together. You can’t emotionally like fall apart. Okay. So I show all these clips and then I say, Hey, like if you’re, if you are reacting this way. It’s probably because you are dysregulated, probably because you’re worried that your parenting is falling short or, and you know, ’cause there’s often layers to this. You often weren’t allowed to do these things. So again, particularly true if you also have like the same diagnosis or struggles that your child has. And in a time when it was very misunderstood, let alone even acknowledged, uh, you likely, and the way that, uh, parents were parenting primarily in the eighties and nineties.

And listen, this isn’t even like, like a judgment thing. I’m just saying like, this is the reality. It gets triggering when we see our kids doing things that seem quote unquote bad, like they aren’t listening, like they have to clean up and they’re not doing it, or they just snuck something or lied about something that they weren’t supposed to, or they’re being really emotional and it’s overwhelming. Okay, the next set of. Snippets in this reel are then the parent that sees the executive functioning challenges.

So instead of seeing like, oh my gosh, my kid’s not listening, it’s like, oh, they have trouble following multiple step directions. Or, oh, they are really struggling with self-control. That’s an executive functioning skill. That’s not a personality trait. And so we can then say stuff like, we would respond differently in those moments and say, Hey, can you get your checklist? Because reme, you haven’t done your afterschool cleanup yet, you know, so it’s like, put away your shoes, your book bag, whatever. It’s, Hey, I found these candy wrappers in the bathroom. Let’s talk about it, like what was, what was going on there?

Because you know, building awareness when our kids are struggling with sneaking is, is so important first. And when kids are struggling with self-control, just as a side note, it is, it is something that they’re not thinking about. There actually is no thought. It’s just impulsive. I’m doing it right this second. So helping them stop and rewind and just think what was happening in that moment actually is what builds self-awareness. And so here’s the thing that happened. We got tons of comments and tons of dms, as a result of this reel.

You know, again, many people saying, oh, this is so helpful. I’m thankful there were some comments saying, man, I’m the parent that just sees the bad behavior and. I feel bad about it or I don’t feel like this is so black and white. I do know that my kids are struggling with executive functioning skills or sensory needs or retained reflexes or emotional regulation. Okay. Like whatever, whatever that struggle is. I know my kid is struggling with that, but in the moment I’m so dysregulated.

I like that’s coming out of my mouth and I just. I just wanna say and be totally honest here, and that that has been the case with me many times when I was filming that reel, those words when I had to act like the parent that saw the quote unquote bad behavior ruled off my tongue so easily, and as I watched the playback, it took my breath away because it is how I have sounded at times. I’ve just been tired or I’ve lost my patience, or I still was expecting more of him. I thought we have maybe worked on this enough, like you should be getting it now.

That has not been effective, thinking those things. And so I just wanna acknowledge first, like if you’re listening and thinking that is how I respond, or you, you know, you saw this reel. Secondly, we got so more. More than anything. We had so many comments about, okay, these are great strategies because again, you know, I walked through like, Hey, try this instead, like we just talked about here. And so parents were like, this is great, but. I’m not really sure what to do. So I wanna talk about that today, and I want us to get into what can we start to do Now, again, this is a big topic. We’re gonna be covering it more in lots of ways, but right now, today, I want you to listen to this and walk away with three things. Maybe you take all three of them, maybe you take just one of them, maybe come back and listen later. Whatever that you can do to help your own regulation.

Here’s a, here’s a couple of the questions, that we got. This one asked any particular advice for a mom who herself probably has ADHD and is super sensitive to the constant noise. Her 12-year-old ADHD son constantly makes. Okay. That, that’s, that’s, that’s just one. There are so many. Another says, how can I as an ADHD mom teach and implement these skills and strategies when I struggle to self-regulate a lot as well? Are we doomed? Oh. First of all, we did answer those, of course. But I know, I know that if we are hearing those things and comments and dms, that there are so many more of you that are feeling that you are feeling the way you do see information.

You probably, you know, if you’re, if you’re scrolling social media anywhere and you are following parent content, you probably are. You’re here listening. You if you are. There is also this horrible thing that is happening because these reels, tiktoks, shorts on YouTube are made in such short format. And to be honest with you, there’s a bit of a rub for me with that. And there is, it is one of the reasons I have started the podcast, because it’s such a quick snippet and it’s designed to be that way. And these algorithms are, are literally being shaped. To just constantly shorten our attention spam. And so we as content creators, if we are not following these rules and kind of putting out these short bites of information, we are not, we, we are not, we are not gonna get, you’re never gonna see, you’re never gonna see any of these helpful tips, but there is such a rub there because when you’re seeing the snippet, even in this three minute video.

Yes, good information. Obviously I feel good about what we put out there, but it’s such a small snippet and these questions that are coming, these parents were so brave and are so wise to ask, oh my gosh. Like, this is great. But, but I’m struggling and I hear this over and over again. I hear it in our email replies from our newsletter. Even hear it here in our comments on the podcast. And so the question is what can we do?

Okay, so let’s walk through three steps. We’re gonna keep it clear, we’re gonna keep it, very, very doable so that you are walking away with a couple of next steps. Is this the whole picture, is it a perfect plan? Is it all of the solutions? No, but it is a beginning. Okay, and I just, if you are a parent that is feeling like you are falling short in some way, or that you do know that your kid has these challenges, but you’re in this cycle of frustration all of the time, I want you to know that you are not alone and that it is okay. It is okay. I know that you are doing the best that you can. And so my focus and the way that, you know, any, any parent that I’m working with in person in the connection hive is always about what is the next small step. ’cause that’s, that’s what we need, especially now more than ever, with all of the information.

So first little step. Is noticing. Noticing when you are dysregulated. That means when your nervous system is out of balance. When it’s feeling off. This is usually coupled with feelings of overwhelm, anger, fear, frustration. All of these things tend to signal in and push us to understanding like. I, I am out of control right now. Okay. I, I can’t tell you how important this step is. So even though in, in these comments and dms that I just read to you, these pairs are already starting to notice. But even in that noticing, like in that moment, they’re thinking, oh, yeah. Like, but I’m, I’m pretty dysregulated too. It’s, we have to go a little bit deeper into saying when are those moments? Is it all of the time? It might be. It might be.

There are many children and adults that walk around feeling dysregulated all of the time, and so if that’s you, I just, again, there, there is a way out of that and starting small and it’s just starting to notice. Yeah, I’m really dysregulated and if you’re feeling dysregulated all the time, it might be that. Oh, I am, I am more dysregulated when these things happen. ’cause remember, dis regulation fluctuates up and down like a barometer. And even if you’re at the top of that barometer in the dysregulation zone, that’s fluctuating, up and down itself. And so often we are so busy, we are doing so many things that we don’t always recognize until after the fact that we are dysregulating.

So starting to notice how you feel before you respond to your child is already a game changer. It’s already a game changer because you are just making yourself aware of it instead of reacting. It’s just like the example that I, that I told you about with the self-control. Okay. Again, kids will often struggle with self-control when they’re dysregulated. Okay? They do things impulsively, particularly when they’re doing something they shouldn’t be, like they’ve snuck candy or screen time, uh, when they’re not supposed to. There’s rules or guidelines or whatever around that. They have done it often because they’re feeling dysregulated and those things give them a dopamine boost. And so there’s not a lot of thought.

It’s like, ah, I need a piece of candy ’cause that’s gonna make me feel better. I’m taking it. Mom’s not looking, I’m bored and like crawling outta my skin. Like, I’m just gonna steal this tablet. There’s, you know, no thought of like consequences or following directions. All those executive functioning skills are totally offline. And so that awareness is what starts to build it. And in the same way, us being aware of our own dysregulation is a really powerful step. So if you do nothing else, just starting to recognize. It brings your higher level thinking back online. It can. Okay. Depending on how dysregulated you are. But even still, it’s a, it is a healthy practice to help you start recognizing, okay, I’m dysregulated. It’s going to give you the little bit of capacity that you need to probably, even if it’s through gritted teeth. To not overreact over, respond, yell, or react in some way that you don’t want to.

Of course we can go a little bit, we can go a little bit deeper here, and so when we notice that that dysregulation is happening, the second step is to use a regulation tool. Okay? There are many regulation tools. I wanna just focus on a couple of here. That are just, you literally can use anywhere, and I really do recommend starting to build a toolbox of regulation tools. You will find some things work better for you in different situations. Sometimes some regulation tool isn’t enough. We often need to stack regulation tools depending on how dysregulated we are in the same way that we will for our kids.

But as adults in the moment, because you might be getting super dysregulated in the middle of Target in the car while you’re driving and there’s total chaos going on behind you. Oh, I’m having so many flashbacks right now. Even just saying that like, there, there are so many things that we can do, but two of the most powerful things, uh, that I think and have been really helpful in my own life. And also, are something that I can use anytime, anywhere. So if I, I, I wanna start there with these tools ’cause there’s lots of movement based tools that help physically move our body out of the reg, uh, out of the dysregulation, which I think are very powerful and are very important.

However, again, when we’re driving the car, we’re in the middle of target. We need something we can do. Right now we have our hands in soapy dish water and our kids melting down. The first thing is just you’ve noticed, and now we’re gonna start to take deep, diaphragmatic breath. I often call these belly breaths with kids, and I teach them my own kids use this strategy. It’s one of the first things I go to with them. It is not just, oh, taking a deep breath is nice. When you take a diaphragmatic breath, it’s a deep breath where the air fills into your belly. When you exhale, it comes out through your chest. I think we’ve talked about it on the podcast here before, and it’s stimulating the vagus nerve. Okay. The vagus nerve is very important because it actually pushes our brain out of the activated dysregulated state, and it releases calming hormones to push us into the regulated state.

Okay. So with that being said, if we can start to take deep breaths and please hear me, I am not saying this is like a miracle worker. A lot of the time, we need to be consistent with using them. We need to think, oh wait, I need to take a breath and not just do that. Like, I kind of just took a shallow breath right there. That’s not, that’s not a diaphragmatic breath. A diaphragmatic breath is breathing in through your nose. Holding it for 3, 4, 5, 6 or seven seconds even. ’cause you’re really, you’re actually putting pressure on that vagus nerve, which is what we want. So I usually do five seconds in for myself. I count five seconds in taking that deep breath. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. And then I exhale, which you can do through your nose or mouth for a count of five. And then I repeat that for five to 10 times. Okay. I usually need almost always 10 times if I’m needing to do that. If it’s just a little bit of dysregulation that I feel bubble up, I might only do one or two breaths.

Another tool is that I put my hand on my heart, okay? My heart is where my anxiety often lives. So for me, this is really powerful. It, and it’s become a physical reminder to me of, Hey, this, I, I am in a living body here. This is all not just happening in my head. I’m gonna take these deep breaths and I’m going to study my heart, and that helps me take the edge off of that dysregulation. Okay? Now, as I said, there is deeper work here also. We have talked about retained reflexes on the podcast. We have an entire episode dedicated to it. I’ll link that up in the show notes. If you’ve never heard of retained reflexes, I’ve always talked about them through the lens of a child having retained reflexes, but many adults do as well.

And so having specific movements that you’re doing on a regular basis can actually help integrate, make those reflexes go away. And guess what happens? Your chronic dysregulation starts to often go down if it’s caused by retained reflexes. And many neurodivergent individuals, adults, and kids have retained reflexes. So it’s always one of the things that I want to consider is always one of the things I wanna look at when I’m thinking about deeper work. And of course, other supports as well. Right.

Seeing a therapist, if that’s an option for you. Doing, doing work to help you process and move through your own stuff. If you have kids that are like full-time, you don’t even know when to get that in. I hear you. Uh, but just know that that deeper work does pay dividends and not having to manage it as much on the front end. Okay, so moving on to step three. So far we have number one, notice our dysregulation. Number two, use a tool. And really this, this step is two-parter, right? Because I’m also talking about building tools in your toolbox.

And the third one is to fill your cup. Okay? This is setting aside intentional time with something that makes you feel good, and I’m gonna challenge you. That it not be social media related. Even if you, you are likely getting dopamine hits, you know, if you do, if you are a social media user, and again, that’s great. There’s no, like, I, I’m not trying to say you should never be on social media. But sometimes we go to that and if that’s a coping strategy in a tough moment, okay, that’s fine. But what I’m talking about is setting aside separate time to in intentionally fill your cup. So this might be setting aside five minutes in the morning, in the evening, before the kids get off the bus when they come home, whatever that is. And even if every day is like, if you’re like, oh my gosh, I can’t do that every day. Okay.

When is it then? Is it a couple of times a week that you can set aside some time, and again, I’m just talking about five minutes here. Is it sitting in the sun? Okay, getting a big dose of vitamin D? Is it flipping through a magazine, having a cup of tea or coffee and just really sitting down and enjoying it? Is it taking a walk? Is it connecting with a friend? All of these things that I just mentioned are universally regulating to most people.

You may have your own thing, it might exercise in any form. Yoga, uh, running hiit, workouts, whatever. All can be super regulating. Having a dance party. One of my personal favorites, even by myself ’cause I love to dance so. And I know that one is not on everybody’s list, but it is what, what are the things that I am doing to lower my dysregulation baseline? Or, you know, you may not be somebody that is in dysregulation all of the time, but even those moments of regulation, remember it’s this barometer that’s going up and down.

If we carve out five minutes here and there. It’s going to help bring it down again. We have so much coming at us all the time, so much distraction, so much information that it keeps us on high alert in this kind of go, go, go, go, go, go. Process, process, process, process. And we just need to stop sometimes and I’m, and I’m talking to myself too, know that. That is a message that I am trying to give myself even today, even in this moment, in the things that are happening in my own life. It’s to stop. It’s to slow down, and it’s to just think about filling your own cup.

Because remember when you put your own oxygen mask on first, then you can help others get their own oxygen mask on too. And really, you know, we’ve talked about co-regulation on this podcast. Co-regulation is taking our calm and sharing it with our kid. I’ll link up that episode below if that even feels overwhelming. Just start here. But like the whole point here is that when we are more regulated, we can then do these strategies. We can. Use the tools that are actually going to help our child, give them the supports they need because we feel more regulated. And when we are regulated again, that co-regulation piece, we give them a little bit of our regulation, we keep giving it to them and it affects their regulation. Okay?

So like if they’re super dysregulated, we can pour our regulation into them. Okay. If we’re both dysregulated, it’s just like, you know, that dysregulation is just getting shared back and forth and probably making it bigger. Whew. Okay. Okay friends, it was so good to be with you. I actually just want you right now to just take a deep breath and to know that you are capable and that this doesn’t need to look perfect. It’s just about the next little step for you. We do have some tools.

If you’re a visual learner and you would like a printable, we do have five regulation tools, that is a printable that is in the show notes that will help you if you want to go deeper and do that work. We are continuing to build out more parent and caregiver supports in the connection hive, which is, an awesome space really for parents of uniquely wired kids. We’re doing the work of building that long-term regulation with those tools you can use in the minute and the bigger tools underneath that are really making a difference. It’s been so good to be with you. Would love to hear from you. If you have a question, let us know. You might hear it next time on the next podcast.