The Huge Iceberg Hiding Under Your Kid’s Biggest Struggle

Welcome back to the Connected and Capable podcast. You are here with your host, Alisha Grogan. I’m a pediatric OT as well as a mom of my own uniquely wired kiddos, and I am truly just so honored that you are here and I mean it when I say that because you have taken time out of your day to. Learn more about your kid or the kids you work with.

I know we have a lot of therapists and teachers that follow along here on the podcast too, and I’m so grateful for you taking the time to get inspired, to have a fresh perspective, to have some strategies and ways to really help your child. I truly believe, believe that we are capable of that. When we have the right foundation, we have the right understanding, the right perspective.

And so we are going to be digging into that today as we talk about the huge iceberg hiding underneath your kids’ biggest struggle. Hey, yeah. Listen, it’s important that we talk about this because what I see tends to happen is that as parents. We see this thing, whatever it is, think of it right now. Like if you had to name your kid’s biggest struggle right now today, what would it be?

There might be a couple that come to mind and that’s okay. You can kind of keep them all, but the truth is that all kids, so whether you have a child that’s one or 17 have struggles throughout their childhood. Those struggles may be consistent. You may see them repeat or evolve, and then there are sometimes would seem like isolated struggles that pop up here and there throughout their childhood.

Now, this is actually not really different from what continues into adulthood for us. Most of us continue to have struggles in some areas or new struggles that pop up. Yes, they may look different than childhood. Sometimes they are not all that different. They, uh, just appear differently, maybe in a different form.

Uh, we’re much better at kind of masking or hiding those, uh, kind of challenges that might, that might come up for us. So kind of a, a little hidden thread throughout this is that. You can also be thinking of yourself if you have any sort of struggles that seem to pop up consistently in your life. Now, struggles is a super broad term, so what the heck do I mean by struggles?

I really do mean pretty much anything, whether that is struggling with feeling a lot of anxiety or depression, or struggling with staying focused or struggling with. Uh, going to bed on time or getting up on time in the morning or cleaning your house or your kid cleaning their room or your kid’s handwriting, or that they can’t ride a bike and everyone else their age and the neighborhood can, and it’s going on a couple of years past now, and your kid is really struggling to ride a bike.

I’m talking about. Maybe speech articulation challenges. Maybe they’re hard to understand. Others don’t quite get what they’re saying. Maybe they have significant speech delays. Maybe your kid has a lot of meltdowns or they shut down a lot, or they struggle in social situations. Gosh, these are just some of the vast array of challenges that we can have.

And if you’ve been, if you’ve been following along here. Uh, back in episode two we talked about retained primitive reflexes and really that’s such a driver to literally every aspect of our life. Now, not all of our challenges for every person, for you or your child are caused by these reflexes, but they potentially could be if those are still firing in the brain.

So it’s one of the reasons why we may see kind of challenges just in about every single form in our life now. I wanna talk about this quickly from a parent versus a therapist perspective and how we can kind of get locked in to focusing on the challenge. So remember that challenge that I asked you to think about, and if you’re a therapist, you can think about maybe that kiddo on your caseload that.

You feel like you might just be falling short of the most, or that you’re really struggling to make progress with or you feel stuck with, you can think of that kiddo and for parents. Think of your kiddo and their biggest struggle or challenge that they are having. Okay? When you think about that thing, that thing right now that you could name very clearly, what we tend to do as parents, and I know this from personal experience.

Is we really kind of focus on that problem and how it’s affecting our life and or the worry that we have about our child. So for me, as a parent that has, that has shown up in either. This thing that my child is struggling with is really upsetting or dysregulating me. And I can think of, oh my, a lot, a lot of examples, uh, throughout my kids’ lives that whether that was, uh, you know, my son that would not stop jumping on the furniture.

All the time, even though I let him do it and it would just really dysregulate me. His energy, his nonstop go, that was just always on would feel dysregulating to me. So it would, it would stress me. It would feel like there was a point in time when he was probably around two or three that I would’ve said that was his biggest challenge.

And part of the reason that was his biggest challenge was because it affected me so much. There have also been other challenges when my kids have struggled with anxiety and their worry worried me so much, it broke my heart as a mom, and so if I just focused on their anxiety, I was sort of missing. So much of what was going on beneath the surface because the challenge, okay, if you can kind of stick with me here for this analogy, the challenge or the struggle that we see in our kids, it’s is a behavior, it’s something that we’re seeing.

So in, in these two examples, it’s my son jumping and running around nonstop, like literally all day, every minute of the day. Okay. That’s the, that’s the behavior of the challenge. I can, I can see that poking out above the water, that little piece of the iceberg. I can see the anxiety, the worry, the scripts, the coming to me for reassurance, constantly, the tears, the paralyzing separation anxiety.

I can see that, and in that moment, it’s really hard when I have multiple kids and I’m trying to drop one kid off at school and get to the 30 other things that I need to do, and that one kid. Is crying and melting down as if we were being separated for the rest of our life. I can feel his panic. It is palpable.

My stress immediately goes up, and in that moment, the the only thing I want is a solution to make that transition easier for him. A hundred percent for him because my heart is breaking for him and honestly for myself, because this is so hard. Oh my gosh, it’s so hard. And so I’m looking at that and I’m like, I need a solution for him to get to school without all this.

I need him to sit down and just chill for a little bit. I’m a little worried that he can’t sit still for long in three minutes, he’s making me nuts. Oh my gosh. He won’t even read a book. He won’t sit and play a game. Oh, that’s kind of problematic. I just need him. I need him to be able to sit right now.

Those things don’t happen. So in, in the, there is no, there is no immediate solution, even though that’s exactly what I want. I wish there was some magic fairy dust. Can somebody give me the trick to make this problem go away right now because it’s hard. Now from the therapist point of view, and I think this is helpful for parents to hear as well, for for teachers or therapists.

When, when we are working with a kid now, the dynamic certainly changes. I am not the parent now and I’m, look, I am showing up for this kid kind of in a, in a, in a different way, seeing them through a different lens. I have my OT hat on. And so I’m not just doing my normal everyday life and, and fortunately as a therapist most of the time, I am really fortunate that I’m working one-on-one with a kid.

Yes. Group therapy, I run a sensory summer camp where there’s multiple kids. There’s, yeah, lots of different dynamics that happen, but traditional, like ot, pt, speech therapy, we are one-on-one with a kid. Now speech I know have a lot of group sessions, but. If I’m working one-on-one with a kid, they get my whole attention.

That is my job. That 30 minutes, that hour, I’m there for it. But there is something that is driving me and it is their goal. I need to be showing that I’m working on it. I need to be showing that I’m making progress on it. So it, they have a goal for, they have goals for the biggest challenges in their life that fall under my scope of practice.

That’s usually handwriting. It’s probably some fine motor goals. Like can they string beads, can they cut with scissors, can they color?

And those goals are, are basically why I’m getting paid as a therapist. I, I need to, I need to be working on these things. But again, when I am looking at this kid can’t cut with scissors. I just need to keep practicing scissors. I am looking at the top of the iceberg. I’m looking at their biggest challenges.

They’re listed on a piece of paper for me, for goodness sakes, so I need to focus on those things. Now, the problem is that underneath these challenges. The handwriting, the big emotions, the separation anxiety, the nonstop movement, the shutting down and not being able to go to the doctor’s office, the not being able to tie your shoes when you’re nine years old.

All of those things. All of those things seem like this immediate problem that I can put my finger right on. But the truth is, and this is so important. That there is a huge iceberg that’s sitting beneath the surface that you can’t see. That is the root of these challenges. And so if we as parents or as a therapist are only putting our finger on and trying so hard to work on that challenge that we see, that struggle that our kid is having.

But we’re not working on anything beneath it is going to feel like we are making little to no progress. What? So we are also going to get super frustrated. We are going to likely get fed up. We’re gonna feel like we’re at the end of our rope. We’re gonna feel dysregulated. Because it feels like what we’re doing isn’t working.

And in part it isn’t because we’re only addressing a very small part of the, of the, of the struggle that our kid is having. So let me give you, let me give you an example. So one of my sons did not have the best fine motor skills. I was fully aware of this. He was not interested. Huge sports kid. Really, really gross motor drove driven, uh, not the same kid that jumped on the couch constantly, but this, this kiddo that was really struggling with the fine motor skills.

He was still in preschool. I knew he was a little behind, but I also knew it was just not something he was interested in and he was doing so many other things. I could see the part of this was born out of his interest. So it was something he wasn’t interested in. And there, there was some wisdom from me in saying, I am not, I’m not gonna push this.

There were obviously attempts made to help him to get him involved in coloring writing, using scissors, and he wasn’t that interested. I went to his first parent teacher conference, uh, in preschool. The teacher leaned back in her chair and she did not mean to be rude, but she looked at me and said, I was really surprised to learn that you were an OT with how bad his fine motor skills are.

Y yikes. Okay. So I started to see that the deficit was getting bigger, the gap was getting wider, and I realized, okay, I probably need to address this now. This in truth was not a huge trigger for me. I had a fair amount of confidence that his fine motor skills were going to catch up, that he was going to get there.

So we started to to work on them, but it did not start with just him sitting down and practicing writing. We did a lot of other things. That you might think have nothing to do with, with handwriting. For instance, one of the first things that I did, which you know, was something we had in our home, but I started using it with more intention, was getting him on a scooter board and having him ride it up and down our hallway on his belly while he pushed with his hands.

Why? Because it was developing hand strength, and if he did have any of those retained primitive reflexes. And his hands. There are two called the Palmer in Babkin. It was going to help integrate those reflexes. Okay. So it was just a little bit of a nod that I was working on towards that goal. Okay. So I was really trying to look at what is beneath the surface, and we’re not going to just work on the handwriting.

So of course we are working on handwriting as well. Fortunately, his handwriting skills improved in his fine motor. It was a slow process. Again, it wasn’t a huge area of concern of mine because of how young he still was. Even though he was a little behind his peers, I knew that it was something that we would work on over time.

I will say side note, uh, years later. When we did a really concentrated time of working on his retained primitive reflexes, I saw a significant jump in his fine motor skills really closing the gap the rest of the way, which only goes to show me further that while it looks like it’s just handwriting on the surface or his fine motor skills that were, you know, so embarrassingly behind apparently that there was all of these other things beneath the surface.

There was hand strength and retained primitive reflexes that were going on, and when we’re talking about handwriting, there are so many other facets that can also be playing a role. Our sensory processing can actually play a huge role in handwriting. If a child can’t feel how much pressure to apply to the paper, that’s a huge underlying cause.

It’s related to the proprioceptive sense and can cause all kinds of handwriting troubles. So can postural control. Can you believe that? If your kid has a weak core, their handwriting is going to suffer and so we can work all day. On strengthening the hand, but if the core is really weak, it’s not going to get better.

So all of these potential things, sensory processing, core strength, retained primitive reflexes, hand strength, can all be beneath the surface for the problem of poor, fine motor skills or poor handwriting. That’s just one example of the many struggles that our kids have. Now before I paint myself in too good of a light, I wanna also share a time that I was really triggered that I, somebody who think like looks through a sensory lens at everything missed that when my son was jumping nonstop, I knew this kid was more of a sensory sea girl, though he had all kinds of avoiding things.

Also, my super severe extreme picky eater that would gag severely on foods. I saw the sensory piece with his eating clear as day, but his nonstop movement and wildness was actually a little bit more subtle for me. It wasn’t as intense as a lot of the kids that I had worked with as an ot. He definitely could calm down, like we would go to library story time and he was able to sit still something many of the kids on my caseload would’ve struggled to do so I could see him.

When he had to focus in, but there were so many times at our house that there was just repetitive, almost stimming like behaviors. Of course, years later, he ended up getting diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type, not the hyperactivity component because he is able to control it, but he does have this bend towards more movement.

He now does a daily workout to help with that, something he has initiated on his own as a teenager because he recognizes those needs within within his own body. He can still be kind of fidgety around the house, but I missed it and I was getting so frustrated with him. I had young kids at home. I was tired.

I was not sleeping enough. I was not eating well. I was probably not drinking enough water. I was baseline dysregulated, already had a lot of things on my plate. I had two kids that were really close in age, and I really slipped into feeling like this kid was making my life difficult. He was not listening.

What was I doing wrong with this kid? It finally hit me one day in a moment when I was feeling regulated and calm, and I was reflecting on him that, oh my gosh, this was sensory too. This not listening. The nonstop movement, the not listening was a big part of it. Me giving him verbal directions and him not following through or being able to really even hear what I was saying.

Why. Because he was dysregulated. He was trying to regulate his own system. Why? Because he had some delays in his executive functioning skills. I didn’t know that then, but that’s what was lying beneath the surface. I felt honestly more disconnected with him than my other son at the time because there was this, for me, constant tension with him not listening and just being so wild and all over the place that I felt this huge disconnection.

Once I realized, oh my gosh, what’s going on? It was like, it was like I, I took off. The, the, the sunglasses. It was like I was looking through this fog and once I took them off and I could clearly see him, it’s like the whole iceberg came into picture and suddenly I had so much patience. I had so much understanding, I had so much perspective, and I had a whole wealth of tools now to help.

With his executive functioning to help with his sensory, to help with his sensory needs to help him get more regulated, those behaviors decreased significantly because I was addressing the entire iceberg that was hidden beneath the surface, not because I was trying to use some trick that was gonna help him sit still or listen to me, or transition easier.

As a result, we got so close. I felt so connected to him. I realized how capable he was. It was such a significant turning point. Early on and it’s something I reflect back on often. Now, we certainly have had our ups and downs and I could share many other stories as he has gone on early, uh, older and other challenges that popped up related to his executive functioning that I didn’t always realize in that moment.

And listen, those might not be your kids’ challenges. These play out in so many different ways. It could be your kids’ aggression. It could be them refusing to participate or socialize with other kids. We had this happen with a kiddo at our summer camp. We had an obstacle course. Kids love the obstacle course.

It’s working on all this, all this stuff beneath the surface. It’s working on these retained primitive reflexes, sensory processing, all this stuff. Kids are having fun. But there were some obstacles of the obstacle course. This kid would just take off and run away from. He would get an angry look on his face.

Sometimes he might even throw something or just outright refuse. Now if I’m just looking at the top of the iceberg, I’m like, oh my gosh, this kid is being bad. He’s being disrespectful, he’s not listening. This is a behavioral problem. What was actually happening? When we saw the obstacles that he was refusing was that he had something called gravitational insecurity.

So that is related to the sensory system, particularly our vestibular sense, which is deep inside of our inner ear and is responsible for our sense of movement. If the brain is overprocessing, the information, which is that unique wiring is how his brain is wired, he might as well be standing on the ledge of a bridge.

That’s, that’s how unsafe and unsteady his brain is telling him the situation is. So yeah, he was getting pushed into fight or flight. He was looking angry. He was refusing, he was shutting down because it was too hard for him. Not out of this behavior that I saw at the top, but this whole iceberg underneath.

Of sensory processing challenges, vestibular sensitivity, gravitational insecurity, fight or flight response, kicking in, executive functioning, going offline by the end of the week with the right supports. He was going through the obstacle course, smiling, socializing, and engaging because we were able to address this iceberg underneath the surface.

So it’s my hope today. As you think about that thing for your kid or that kid that you work with, their biggest struggle, I wanna challenge you to think, is there more going on beneath the surface? Is there some aspects that maybe you don’t see? To me, this is the most important work that we can do as a parent or as a therapist.

If you’re wondering what that is, if this is your first episode and somebody invited you here, welcome. I’m so glad you’re here, but I wanna make sure that you go back and listen to our, our first episodes on those retained primitive reflexes on sensory processing, on emotional regulation and executive functioning.

These are the things that are so often beneath our kids struggles, and quite honestly, ours as well.

When we start to, one, acknowledge them and then two match up the right supports, that’s when we start to see real progress. That’s when we start to see real change. Now, as a therapist, there can be a ton of pressure to just work on that, literally, if it’s that handwriting or it’s balance. And that’s the only thing.

And I used to worry when I was a therapist working in a private clinic. I, you know, we had a two-way mirror so parents could see exactly what we were doing if they weren’t in the session. Sometimes that was a better situation and it looked like I was just playing with their kid when they had a handwriting goal.

But I was working on all this stuff and it’s so challenging to have the time to talk to parents. Like, you don’t, you really don’t have billable time for that. You’re not really a given that time to talk to parents. So I would in one minute try to run through exactly what I was doing, why I was spending half of our session.

Looking like we were playing when I was working on all of this underlying stuff beneath the surface. So know that if you’re watching your kid and you’re seeing that in a therapy session, or if you are that therapist, that those preparatory activities, those things that you’re doing first, or that you are incorporating into your treatment, they matter because you are getting to that hidden iceberg.

Those things that are causing the challenges that we see to pop up above the surface. You know, if you’re wanting to go deeper and learn some more steps, we have some freebies listed in the show notes, got some free printables. If you’re a parent and you’re like, I want the tools, I want your help specifically, I would love to work with you.

Come into the connection. You can get in there for just $30 for the month. That’s it. Put you on the right course. Help you address this iceberg that’s underneath the surface. And if you’re a therapist, we have something brand new and super special. It’s clinical, it’s evidence-based, and it is a mini summit.

I want you to check out the show notes, get on the list for that. Parents, we will have a special parent version coming in a couple months. This one is, is very clinically BA based, really for our therapist. But we do have free printable, as I mentioned for you there in the show notes as well. I hope that this was helpful for you.

This is, this is so my heart and all of the work that we have done and these first five episodes have have really built up to this to us really seeing the full picture. And I just wanna reassure you that. If you are listening right now and you are feeling like you’ve missed the iceberg, it is not too late.

If you’ve missed the iceberg in yourself, in your child, it’s never too late because our brains have the capacity at every age to learn new things, to make new connections.

We can learn at any place because our brain has this amazing capacity called neuroplasticity that allows it to rewire, to make new connections. We are all doing the best we can, and again, I cannot remind you the fact that you’re here, that you are listening, that you’ve tuned in. It speaks volumes about the type of parent and therapist that you are.

You are doing so well, and I’m so grateful for you and the presence that you are in your child’s life. Today is a new day and is filled with so much potential, so thank you so much for being here. I want you to just take a deep breath and know that you are capable. I’ll see you next time.