A few weeks ago I shared how I helped my big emotions kiddo when he had a “meltdown” right as we were in the middle of walking through this beautiful urban park.
Well… last weekend I missed the mark…
It’s the end of a Labor day party. I’m helping my friend clean up and my son is becoming unraveled. He wants to leave—now. He’s 10 so he understood the plan for us helping clean up and when we would leave.
But, soon he’s on the verge of tears, interrupting constantly, grabbing at his chest, and hitting my arm to get my attention.
All signs of a dysregulated nervous system, and one that’s moving towards fight or flight, which means his thinking-rational brain is being turned off.
I thought I was doing a good job because I remained calm and kept reminding him that we’ll leave by 7, which wasn’t too far away.
Yet, underneath I could feel I was being triggered by his unexpected “hits” to my arm to get my attention, the increasing whine and his own growing anxiety. I disconnected a bit.
And, in the moment I forgot something really important: the way to teach regulation skills is to first co-regulate.
We wrangled our way through the last 30 minutes of the party, and once on our way home he immediately began to calm down.
This is what I wish I would’ve done:
Pause my conversations, put the dishes down, and step into the other room with him while I take a deep breath and remind myself that he needs help not abandonment to figure it out on his own.
He was pretty dysregulated, so I can’t remind him about specific strategies like belly breathing, self-talk, or doing some cross crawls (that would come later).
Instead, I’ll teach emotional regulation by:
1. Squatting down to his level, softening my gaze, and acknowledging his feelings: “I see waiting is hard for you right now.”
2. Be clear and kind about the next steps: “I’m going to finish the dishes, say our goodbyes and then we will go home.” And, a safe choice, “Would you like to help dry the dishes or wait in the car with your book?”
3. Give some regulating input: “Can I give you a hug to help your body calm while you wait?”
While hugging I would sway him a little (this gives both calming proprioceptive and vestibular input) as I took long, slow deep breaths that he could feel. All of this would help decrease the dysregulation.
But more importantly…
He will feel supported and seen. He will know that even if he’s frustrated and feeling out of control, that I was there for him.
That he can trust me.
He’ll also be so much more receptive to my suggestions for how he can calm himself down the next time he finds himself in a similar situation—when we talked it through later.
Every time I help him, he’s learning and getting closer to being able to do this more independently because he feels secure.
Big emotions aren’t the enemy. We need to recognize how they trigger us, and lean into them so that our kids learn how to acknowledge and cope with them. Instead of ignoring or pushing them down.
As a mom (and an OT) I want to show compassion and understanding first because I know that opens the doors to healthy emotional regulation skills a child will carry with them for their whole lives.
We all make mistakes, and I did explain and apologize to my son.
If I’m looking at the silver lining, I know he’ll give me another chance soon to put this into practice!
I hope this helps you know you aren’t alone in the moments you fall short and some clear steps for what to do when your kids’ emotions are big.
Want more help? Here’s are some resources:
- If you don’t have our freebie 5 Calming Techniques for Big Emotions, grab it here.
- Get the Meltdown Rescue Kit, it’s filled with more practical tools for moments just like these.
Alisha Grogan is a licensed occupational therapist and founder of Your Kid’s Table. She has over 19 years experience with expertise in sensory processing and feeding development in babies, toddlers, and children. Alisha also has 3 boys of her own at home. Learn more about her here.