How to Avoid After School Meltdowns (Restraint Collapse!)

 This episode is all about how to avoid the afterschool meltdown. Listen, if your kid struggles with that afterschool time, whether they’re in preschool, elementary school, or even high school, no, that your kiddo is not alone. This is such a common phenomenon that it even has an official term now, which is the afterschool restraint collapse.

So, what the heck is it? What is going on? Well, that’s what we’re gonna dive into today. I really wanna go over three reasons that we see uniquely wired kids struggling with this afterschool time, with either big emotions, with withdrawal, with being combative. These are all things that we can commonly see.

Because of executive functioning skills, which are related to ADHD, and there’s a huge component for kids with autism and sensory needs. Your kid might have a diagnosis, they might not. You just might notice that, you know what, they’re uniquely wired. There’s some neurodivergence here, and so. You understand that something’s going on here, and so I wanna drill down on three of those big things because when we understand why our kids are having this difficulty.

We can then help support them in different ways, and it also gives us a lot of compassion. That compassion is so important because it guards against our own dysregulation, because remember, regulation is contagious. Whether it’s dysregulation or regulation. And so when our kids are struggling with that dysregulation, it’s hard to not to not carry it as well, and then we just kind of have everyone dysregulated.

But I also wanna get into three things that you pay to help your kid. Make this smooth transition after school so that they feel more regulated, they feel more supported, and they’re able to continue on through the rest of their day. Listen, friends, I tell you this is possible. I know it firsthand as a mom with three kiddos of my own, one of whom is neurodivergent, and also as an OT.

This is probably one of the questions I have had the most. Over the years because it’s a pretty, it can be a pretty overwhelming time of day. And last week in episode nine. We were talking about is screen time really regulating, and I used afterschool as a common example because this is often a time where I think screens feel like the only option.

Now if you’re using screens as part of afterschool time, and it really does help with, there’s no judgment here, but I do wanna walk through some other options if the screen isn’t available or that transition, then off the screens. Is becoming really hard, and if you’re stuck in the screen time, stress, or spiral with your kiddo, make sure you go back and listen to that episode.

We’ll have it linked up below in the show notes as well. Okay, so let’s get into these three big reasons that we see kids often quote unquote, meltdown. I’m using quotes here because we use the word meltdown very broadly to just kind of mean. Very overwhelming actions from our kids or very overwhelming behaviors.

For some kids, that is a true meltdown where you cannot talk to them. They are trying to run away. They are acting aggressively, they are hurting themselves because they’re. Nervous system literally cannot take anything else. It might just feel like a big emotional rollercoaster. There might be some yelling out.

There might be a lot of sensory seeking, running wild, not listening, aggravating siblings. All of that is falling within the realm of dysregulation regulation. So this afterschool restraint collapse the number one reason and what the term afterschool restraint. collapse really is referring to, and it, it’s kind of hidden there, even in the title, is that a child has held it together all day.

They have put, they have worked through demands, and again, especially when we’re considering our uniquely wired kids. Taking in all of the sensory stimulation can be really challenging to their nervous system, the sounds, the lights, the smells, the touching and bumping into from their peers. The tasks that are really hard in various classes, the having to pay attention, the having to sit still for a really long time comes at a cost to the nervous system.

If a child has been working hard to hold it together all day. Again, this can get into masking when a child is really struggling, but they understand that there are expectations in front of them and how they are supposed to act, and so they act in the school environment like everything is okay because they don’t have other ways to cope.

They don’t feel totally comfortable or safe. Melting down or getting the support that they need. So they’re basically kind of holding it together all day. You can imagine over the course of a school day, again, we can even see this in preschool, kids that might only be in preschool for a few hours all the way up through, you know, middle school and high school kids, where you’re, you’re holding it together or you’re masking all day and you get home to your safe space and you.

Let it all go. Okay. The nervous system can only hold on for so long, and so kids will often fall apart when they feel safe, when they can truly be themselves and when they have the support to deal with their dysregulation. And even if there isn’t a, oh, I know I’m gonna get X, Y, or Z to help me, it’s, I feel safe here.

Also, I cannot take anything else. Okay. So that is one aspect. Now, I wanna be clear here, because I think this is often the only reason that we attribute, attribute to this kind of afterschool meltdown phenomenon. But there’s other things that really can be going on here. It’s not always about masking or holding it all together for uniquely wired kids.

a part of, they have been working really hard all day. They have been at a higher level of arousal because they have to be to be able to focus, to be able to pay attention, to be able to socialize, to be able to communicate well. And you have been in a hyper-focused state in your brain, has been on any type A out there like myself, that can also relate to this.

If you have some neurodivergence yourself, like me, you may also relate to this when you have been functioning. At a hyperfocus high level for hours, it is really hard to transition to a more relaxed state. It can sometimes feel really impossible. That can create a feeling of anxiety, of confusion, and I’m not sure what to do next.

And then comes the dysregulation, then comes the big emotions that I don’t know what to do with, and you may see your child looking like they’re doing fight or flight. Okay, because they are, they are wanting to get away. They are being aggressive. They are yelling. And also the third reason is your kid may not have been holding it together all day, or even in a hyperfocus zone.

They may have been to see the whole day may have been hard because they were past their capacity with their sensory processing, with their attention with, they may have been wounded with a social interaction that day at school. And the whole darn day was bad. And so they’re coming home and yeah, they’re dysregulated.

They’re dysregulated and they are not sure what to do with it. So it is not, it is not always, as simple as kind of putting into these three categories. There can also be an overlap between these, these three big areas that are kids that are uniquely wired can really come home and look like what the heck is going on?

Okay, so what can we do then? To help them. Right? There’s a lot of different strategies, but the one that top of the list, we’re gonna go over three here, is routine. No, please don’t cringe. I know for those of you that are, that are laid back and love to go with the flow, I admire you. I love that. I think that is so good.

But if your kid is really struggling. With this afterschool transition, they’re having meltdowns, big emotions, they’re struggling. Things are hard at this place, having a predictable routine, and it can be so simple. if you’re cringing right now, hearing me say the word routine, just hold with me for a second, because the routine can be so, so simple.

The key to having a routine is that you are eliminating decisions for your child. And you are providing them the next clear step. A lot of this dysregulation can happen for our uniquely wired kids because they don’t really, they don’t really know what they’re supposed to be doing. Their emotions, everything feels overwhelming.

They’re dysregulated. I don’t know what to do next. I just came home and, oh my gosh, all of my emotions, all of my feelings, everything that I’ve been feeling all day is now here, and now I can deal with it. And so that’s what’s in front of them. If we have that very first thing in place for them, then it helps them not have to think through, what am I doing, or answer questions.

So often we wanna know what our kids wanna do. Like we’re happy to, we’re happy to help. Hey, do you, do you wanna have a snack or do you wanna stop by the park? Do you wanna go play outside or do you wanna play this game? Why don’t you do this? Or why don’t you do that? Or, here’s this option. All of those things require brain power, require our executive functioning skills, and when our kids are dysregulated.

Their capacity to be able to answer the process, what you’re saying has decreased significantly. And so it’s adding more stress to the nervous system to to even process those questions, let alone think through them enough to make a clear decision and then answer it. So we just wanna eliminate all of that by doing a really simple routine.

For a lot of kids, this is as simple as having a snack ready to go. By the way, the hunger factor can be a big reason that your kid might be feeling dysregulated. They may have gone a long time since they ate or drank anything. They may have not eaten well at school because they are really selective about their food because of all of their sensory needs, and they are hungry.

They’re hungry. That school lunch environment is super overwhelming. So even if they aren’t, they may be struggling to eat well, they may be caught up socializing, they may be overwhelmed. All of these things can be factors as to why your child did not eat well and now they’re really hungry. So number one, this is solving an A problem right off, off the bat.

It’s okay. I’m gonna, I’m gonna offer you food. I’m not gonna ask you, Hey, do you want a snack? It’s probably a good time. We should be feeding kids about every three hours. So if it’s been that long, or even two and a half hours, just have a snack ready. I would not ask them what they want for a snack, and I would make sure that you’re choosing a snack.

That they are likely to really enjoy. This is not the time to be working on new foods. If your kid is really struggling with dysregulation after school, they’re having meltdowns, they’re getting aggressive. Give them something predictable, something that they want. Now, some kids in this time can handle a choice, so you are drastically minimizing.

Cognitive load that they have to go through in making a decision. When you say, oh, would you like a banana or an apple with your granola bar? Or would you like chips or pretzels? Whatever the thing is that you’re giving them. Some kids have the capacity to do a choice and it helps them feel empowered.

You can test that. You probably know your kid and it can change from day to day. Some days they might be able to handle making that choice. Other days they may need you to just make it for them. The thing that I have found as a mom that is just so unbelievably helpful is to have that snack ready to go.

If you’re at home or whoever is home, or whoever is receiving your kid, that’s a really good. Way to kind of kick off your routine. They walk in, the snack is ready. You’re not getting it ready. You’re not, oh, hold on, I gotta get that. I’ve done that a million times. It does not go nearly as well as when they walk in and it’s ready.

Now that requires, that requires some planning on my part. It may look different in your home. Your kid may be in some, some afterschool care. You may be getting dinner on when you get home. So there’s lots of ways to, to kind of tweak this. But snack is usually where I start. You don’t have to start there.

Okay. That’s gonna kind of come to our, our next two tips, but before I move into those, there’s another really important element for routines, especially as you’re working at establishing a routine, and that is to basically show your child what’s coming. So let’s say you are picking them up and you’re in the carpool line.

You may have just a couple of pictures or a real simple checklist and saying, oh, hey, I have snack out. Maybe highlight something, you know, that they really like. Okay, we’re gonna do snack and then maybe like the next one or two things we’re gonna do, it might even be just one picture. Hey, when we get home, we’re gonna do snack.

That can be, the route can be enough for some kids to just make that transition smoothly. It’s like, okay, this is what I’m doing when I get home. And it’s not a demand, unless eating is a demand for your kid, which it is for some. But if we’re saying, Hey, you need to, you need to put away your book bag as soon as you get home.

Hey, I wanna hear about your day as soon as you get home. We probably need to back off of those things at first. Should they put the book bag away? Absolutely. Should they unpack their bag? Do you wanna hear about the day? Yes. All of those things are appropriate, but we need to give their body a chance to regulate.

And when kids eat foods that they enjoy, it’s generally regulating. Okay? Because it’s, it’s enjoyable. There’s a dopamine hit when we eat food that we like. So that’s, that’s beneficial if they’re eating crunchy foods or salty foods or sweet foods or, you know, whatever those things are. If they are meeting some sensory need, they’re also getting another and from that as well.

Okay? So really want you to think about. Incorporating just a little bit of a schedule if that would be a help to your kiddo. We just had one of our moms in the connection, hi, do this. And it was just incredible to see. we have like a ton of different visual options in there for all of our activities we have.

Visual schedule cards, you can kind of cut them out, make them your own use one or two. And she said, you know, I didn’t, I didn’t really get how to use these. And I started using them for my 7-year-old who needs them the most because she has a DHD, she has sensory processing needs. She has retained reflexes.

There are so many times of the day that she’s just really struggling with with regulation. And so I started to use these to make schedules so that she always knew what was happening and that we were making sure that we were putting in the regulating activities. And it’s been a game changer. And that was right after she started using it.

Like we’re talking like days in, that’s a pretty short amount of time now. As they continue to use those, she may not need those as often. And there’s an important clue here, which is what is my next tip, which is that they were able to swap in and out activities. Okay? So when we’re thinking about routine, to be able to help with that transition to give a direction, a cue, this is the first thing you’re gonna do after school.

The next thing that we wanna think about is movement. Okay. Now there are some exceptions to this, and that’s gonna be tip number three, but generally speaking, movement is very regulating. Okay? I mean, literally like 99% of the time now, if a child is extremely dysregulated, if they are already in full meltdown mode.

They are not, they’re likely they’re not gonna be able to eat and they’re not gonna be able to move. So that’s a little bit of a different issue, like if they are fully in fight or flight or full complete meltdown mode. Then none of these things are gonna be what we need to do. We need to then focus on the meltdown.

Okay. And that’s a, that’s a whole different, that’s a whole different topic. And that starts with just supporting them. We’ve talked about that in some of our other podcast episodes. We of course, have our meltdown rescue kit. Inside of the connection hive, there are things that you could do to help transition your kid out of that.

But I will say when we start with this schedule, before the transition even happens, or as the transition is just beginning, it can greatly help prevent. A kid from going into that full fight or flight. And the other thing is, it is going to take a few days and maybe a week until your kid starts to realize, oh, this is what we’re doing.

The brain needs that consistency to understand, so it’s important to be patient, and to not give up after just trying once or twice. Try to look at it as an experiment as reacting, and I would start off so slow with very low expectations. It’s really just small steps. As parents, we are just often so worried.

Worn down and exhausted by these kind of eruptions in emotions or aggression behavior that we see, that we can feel really defeated when we try something and it doesn’t work the first time. But it’s so rare that something is like a magic a, a magic pill, you know? Or magic fairy dust. It needs that repetition.

That’s how the brain learns and how it will, how it will ultimately work. Okay, so assuming your child is not in full blown fight or flight, the next thing that I’m really thinking about doing is movement. Now for those of you walking to or from a bus stop, you can incorporate this before you even do snack.

And having them walk, ride a bike, push their younger brother or sister in the stroller. Do skip home, hop home, any of the above can become part of your routine when you leverage the movement. Okay? If you’re getting home or they’re getting dropped off right in front of your house and they come in and they have their snack, the next thing I do wanna move to is movement.

And there are so many ways that we can do this. So for some kids it can be very unstructured and they just need that outlet. Unfortunately, part of the reason so many of our kids are struggling with regulation during the day is that schools have continued to cut down movement and recess time more and more and more as the decades have passed and there is less and less time for them to run around.

An unbelievable anecdote. Now, some kids, especially are really big sensory seekers. If we just let them run around, they just seem to get more and more wound up and there just seems to be no threshold with them calming down if that is your kiddo or you see that happening. It’s so helpful to have kind of some structure.

Around the movement that you’re doing. This could be as simple as an obstacle course, which you already have set up. This could be as simple as, Hey, let’s go. Let’s go do the slide outside. Let’s climb up and down the slide together 10 times as fast as we can. That’s gonna get their heart racing in a good way.

Uh, that’s gonna help regulate them. It’s gonna give them a really clear container for that movement that’s gonna be purposeful and help them start to regulate. So again, lots and lots of different ways to do movement. These could be, jumping jacks. It could be exercise if you have an older kid. This could be anything from yoga to, you know, jumping jacks and pushups.

All of these things are really helpful, and again, they can go on your schedule if you’re using one. Okay. And then the third tip is space. Okay. Sometimes kids don’t need movement, they just need a little bit of space. They need us not to ask questions about how their day was right when they came in. They don’t need a younger sibling kind of climbing on their lap or trying to get them to play, and I know.

Hmm, I know the dynamics of that. I know that that’s tricky. So we kind of have to do the work on the front end to think, what am I doing with little brothers or sisters during that time? What am I doing with them so that this older child has a chance to come in and decomp themselves regulated before this whole sibling dynamic happens, and everybody’s feeling frustrated and with their feelings hurt.

Yourself included? So. Space can be a really beneficial thing and some kids do better with moving towards space first before they do anything else. Some families even find it beneficial. I love eating at a table. That’s my always my first recommendation for a whole lot of reasons. but some kids even do better with just having a cozy corner, like a pop-up tent.

Or you could throw a blanket over a folding table. Instant, instant kids fort with some cushions on the floor. Maybe some fidget toys, some of their favorite stuffed animals, they can climb in there if you’re okay with it. They can have a snack or maybe they have a drink with a straw that they can drink out of all very regulating, but they just have space.

Maybe there’s some noise canceling headphones or headphones with music that they regulate them, but there’s a space for them, and that can even be on the schedule. Maybe there’s a picture of it. Hey, I maed you a special tent today, and maybe that tent stays up. Maybe that’s an option. Maybe as time goes on, they start to choose, you have cards there that, oh, are you going in?

You wanna pick tent today? Or obstacle course. Okay. So that they, they have a choice. And often I see families have so much success when they combine all three. Of these things, and so the order can kind of shift around a little bit depending on when your child ate last, depending on if they’re feeling like they need to move or they’re a really big sensory speaker.

But the three things that we really wanna keep in mind are routine, some element of movement, and potentially some element of space. Not all kids need that. But it can be immensely beneficial. And I’m gonna add on one bonus item. L. Kids often need space and they don’t need our questions right away. It’s so appropriate to be asking them about school, but I would save it for later when they’re a little bit more regulated.

Is to spend some time with them, even just a few minutes. So again, if you’re their kid that needs that space, that’s great. Give them the space, but then maybe do the movement or the exercise together, focusing on just spending time with them. Because when, when a child feels connected, truly, when any of us feels connected to another individual, it is incredibly regulating.

Connecting with others is a huge hit to regulation that we often don’t talk about. So yes, movement, yes. Meeting sensory means yes, lowering demands, but as your child starts to regulate, it’s few minutes. To fit in with eating the snack with them, doing the movement with them, or if they want you to come in and snuggle in their little tent with them or their quiet spot, that can also be incredibly regulating.

Okay, friends, I hope that this helps give you an an idea and a starting point for how to manage these afterschool meltdowns. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and you want more help, we have a free printable below in the show notes on how to help kids when they’re having big emotions or feeling dysregulated.

We have five. We have five tips there, so make sure you grab that if you haven’t already. And if you wanna keep learning, join us in the connection hive, get our visual schedules. I can help you work through your particular situation where you can kind of come up with a meltdown plan together. I’m here for all of that.

That’s also in the show notes. Listen, I want you to know from one mom to that you are doing a good job. You’re doing such a good job. You know how I know? Because you’re here listening, you’re learning, and that says so much about who you are. Not one of us is perfect. And so you’re here learning, and I want you to know that through this connection, you will build.

In your child and in yourself, you are surely capable. So capable. Okay, friend, until next time.