5 (More) Executive Functioning Skills Uniquely Wired Kids Struggle With

 All right. Today we’re getting into five more executive functioning skills that uniquely wired kids often struggle with. So if you listen to episode five, you know that we covered five there, and we’re gonna get into five more today because executive functioning is an area of our brain that is responsible for.

Or plays a role, I should say, in just about every single thing your kid does. In so many of the specific challenges and tension and struggle that we feel every single day when we’re trying to help our kids is often as a result of this executive functioning. This is particularly true for uniquely wired or neurodivergent kids with ADHD, autism sensory needs dyslexia.

Also, it is true for neurotypical kids, meaning they don’t have any diagnosis. We don’t really see these other struggles, but there are these challenges. They, struggle sometimes with following directions. They struggle with paying attention. At times. They struggle to stop doing something that they really wanna do, like playing that video game and go to dinner.

That is because of executive functioning skills, and it’s because these are developing all throughout childhood. It is why toddlers have frequent tantrums because they have no emotional regulation, which is one of our executive functioning skills. It’s just starting to develop and it goes all the way up into our twenties.

And many of us as adults still have some gaps in our executive functioning skills, or some of our executive functioning skills aren’t as strong, and we see that impact in our daily life. That is certainly true for me. So today I really want to talk about these other five that we didn’t get to cover in that first episode.

Because I think so often as parents, we get just so frustrated with our kids. I think we worry about our kids. I think we look at these things as personality traits as, oh my gosh, like what is wrong with them? Like, why are they lying? Why do they give up so easily? I want my kid to be a kid that perseveres.

I want my kid to do the hard thing. But perseverance is an executive function skill. In fact, that’s one of the ones we covered in the first episode. So, so often we see these things as failures as. Personality flaws, but that’s not what it is. So it’s so important that we dive into this today and listen, even though I have been an occupational therapist that works with kids for over two decades, when I have my OT hat on, I’m working with kids at my sensory summer camp or indirect treatment, or I’m doing evaluation, I, see the executive functioning skills I’m looking for that.

While I look through this kind of developmental, this sensory lens all the time, I really can’t turn it off in the day-to-day interactions with my own kids, particularly my kiddo with ADHD. I can forget. I can forget that some of these struggles, some of the things that I worry about are really executive functioning skills.

Okay, so again, goal number one is just that we recognize what this is. This matters so much and is the most important first step that we can take in helping our kids is actually understanding, oh my gosh, this isn’t my kid messing up. This isn’t my kid being a jerk. This isn’t my kid. Just being super difficult.

They are having a hard time because this skill is not really developed. This is, this is the challenge, is that we have this expectation of what should be happening, especially if we have other children. If we’re looking at other kids their age, and especially if we think. Oh my gosh. This challenge my kid has, like, they have ADHD, they have autism, they have sensory needs.

We may only think, oh, that’s just attention. That’s just hyperactivity, that’s just sensory stimming. And like I, you can see those aspects of it. But the, the executive functioning skills, they are sort of hidden. Right. So we’re gonna shine a light on them today. Let’s get into it. Okay. Just as a quick review in the first episode, back in episode five, we’ll link that up in the show notes.

If you didn’t get to listen and you, you wanna see the whole arc here of executive functioning skills, we talked about these five. Alright. Because executive functioning is a suite of skills, right? It’s, it’s a collection of them and executive functioning is in charge of all of them. So that includes attention.

Working memory, which is our ability to kind of hold onto what we’re doing right now, what we need to do today. That’s not our short-term or long-term memory. Perseverance, the ability to do hard things, task initiation, starting things that are hard, you know, like that really messy room. The homework, the toy room that has toys everywhere and your kid is like just not doing it.

You’ve asked them a hundred times and they’re just not doing it. And lastly, cognitive flexibility. Okay, those are the five that we covered now. With the five that we are gonna talk about today, it’s so important to know that these are responsible for just about everything your kid is doing. They’re involved.

It’s involved in their ability to learn and pay attention at school. It’s involved in their socializations and. They need executive functioning to be able to do their morning routine, to get dressed, to brush their teeth, to come home, at the end of the day and unpack their book bag to keep their things organized.

All of these things are part of executive functioning, and we literally need them for every activity during the day. So let’s get into our first executive functioning skill of this episode, which is a big one and it is self-control. Alright? Sometimes, this is referred to as inhibition. Okay? So it basically means stopping ourselves.

From doing something that we know isn’t good for us or is even something that we’re just working towards. Okay, so for really young kids, this can look like not running out into the street, right? A ball is a ball just rolled out into the street and they are focused on the ball. They wanna run out and get it, and they’re not able to control themselves even though they see that a car is coming.

That’s a really scary moment, right? As a parent, there’s kind of this impulsivity they take off in the parking lot, even though, you know, you’ve explained that it’s dangerous. They can see the cars. They cannot stop themselves from running. That’s kind of what it looks like in a younger kid. In an elementary aged kid, you may see that this is.

Constantly interrupting. They’re constantly talking, they’re constantly yelling out. They push and shove to get to the front of the line. Uh, at any age, you may also see aggression play a role. Here your kid gets really upset and in a split second they lash out and hit something or someone, or bite. This is related to self-control.

Now, to be clear, there can be a sensory component to hitting and biting, and sometimes kids are doing those things, not because they’re angry, but because they’re getting sensory feedback from that, and there’s something rewarding for them in that there’s not necessarily a, I’m so angry right now, I’m lashing out and hitting you when it’s related to this self-control skill.

This executive functioning skill, it is always when a child has gotten really angry, really upset. Okay? In older kids, this may be also, and even into teens. You know, being aware of, I don’t wanna be on social media. I don’t wanna look at this type of content. I don’t wanna be on my screen so long, but I can’t seem to stop myself again.

We all can kind of struggle with that because. Many of the algorithms are set up to manipulate us psychologically and to prey on our dependencies from a neurological standpoint. And so they are hooking us in and kind of overriding even those of us that have good self-control. So I do wanna be clear about that, but it’s super, super more challenging for teens because they have not developed their self-control the way that is not done developing.

And this can show up in all kinds of ways, right? Like we see teenagers do impulsive things all the time that they just haven’t thought through all the way, right? They do something dangerous. Uh, they jump off something that seems like that was such a poor decision. Why did you do that? That is related to their executive functioning skill of self control.

So. I have found personally that this is, this is one that tends to push my parenting button if my kid is really struggling with self-control, in whatever area that is, whether it’s around screens, it could even be around food, and there is a constant rub. I can sometimes forget that. This is an executive functioning skill and not a willpower issue.

Okay? Because sometimes we’re thinking you just need to have more willpower, but that is not that simple. Now, the good news is with any of these things, there are supports that we can give kids, right, to help them if, if they are struggling with these executive functioning skills. There are also ways that we can build these skills.

Anything in the brain we can work on and help strengthen connections in the brain. When I say connections, I’m really referring to brain pathways, like when we learn a new skill. It’s kind of weak, but there are synapses in the brain that have wired degree together to create a new pathway. That’s why when we’re learning something, we need to practice, practice, practice, whether that’s a sport, whether that’s a, whether that’s an instrument, whether that’s math, reading, whatever it is, right?

As as kids are doing these things, it’s practice, practice, practice. The more the brain uses it, the stronger and stronger it gets. Well, it’s the same with executive functioning. It’s just another area of the brain, and that works the same way as well, so we can take steps to help build this self-control.

Right. Let me get into the second. Executive functioning skill that we’re gonna talk about, and that is organization. This is another one that I think, oh my gosh, we so attribute this to personality culturally, that if a person is disorganized, we’re like, oh, that’s a personality trait. No, that’s their executive functioning skills.

Okay. The ability to see a whole bunch of different pieces of something and to categorize it and to organize it. Is an executive functioning skill. So we see this in young kids at an early age with simple things like cleaning up their toys, putting away their dinner plate. Do they know where the dinner plate needs to go?

Do they know where the fork or their spoon needs to go? Where does their cup go? This, that is like a really simplistic way we would see it in really young kids playing out. With school age kids, we see this play out often with their desk, their locker, their book bag, their folder. Are there papers everywhere?

Are they ripped? Are they torn? Are they balled up in the bottom of their book bag? Okay. That might be pointing to some challenges. Organization. As kids get older, we start to see this in their bedrooms, in their personal spaces. How well are they able to keep their, their spaces organized? Now again, there’s absolutely a tween teen element here of not caring and not wanting to do it, and I think that that’s where we really have to take a step back and watch our kids.

Is there. A desire to have this, to have this organized or clean, or is there an inability? And sometimes it’s both a hundred percent, and I have seen that in my own kid, but I have also seen that even when there’s a desire, even when there’s, or clear expectations of, hey, this is what needs to happen right now, or we’re setting aside this time to do it.

And there’s still a, I’m not sure how to do this. Okay. Task initiation, which we talked about in the first executive functioning episode, is also an element of this. Okay? So remember, task initiation is the ability to start something that usually is a little more challenging. So that might be like cleaning a room, organizing a desk, organizing a book bag, cleaning up their toys.

Okay, that first step of, ah, where do I start? Start, there’s usually a moment of kind of looking around, especially when the room is a mess, the book bag is a mess and thinking, I don’t even know where to start. So that first piece is task initiation, and the second piece of pulling it together is organization.

And that really brings us into our third executive functioning skill, which is. Planning and sequencing. Now, this is so often the case that when we look at one particular area of a kid’s life that they might have challenges with, there’s often a stack of different executive functioning skills underneath of it.

So again, if a kid is struggling to clean up their toys or keep their bedroom clean. And sometimes even severely so, right? I mean, the room could be absolutely trashed and it is just, or you, you get it clean and it falls apart so quickly, you know, it’s like a day later and the whole thing is messy. Some of this absolutely is very kind of typically what we would expect to see in kids.

Most kids, unless they are very organized and really, have. Strengths in some of these areas are struggling with keeping their room clean because again, these executive functioning skills are still developing all throughout childhood in every single child. But there are several skills that are involved in that.

So we have the task initiation, then we have the organization, but then we also have to be able to plan and sequence the steps. To do that. So here’s step one and then here’s step two, and then here’s step three. Like, well, I’m going to first pick up all the dirty clothes and put them in the hamper. Then, oh gosh, I Pokemon cards everywhere.

I’ll do the Pokemon cards next. Or, you know, there’s a, there’s a hundred different ways we can go about the plan. A child may decide, I’m gonna focus in this area and I’m just gonna clean up everything in this area, and then I’m gonna move to that area. Okay. There’s lots of ways to chunk it and break it down, but the skill of chunking it and breaking it down into steps is another executive functioning skill, and that plays out in a ton of ways.

That plays out in doing homework, doing schoolwork, oh, I need to do this step first, then this step. For instance, sometimes kids are really good at math. Then when they have to do word problems and they have to sequence those steps, it gets very difficult. Now, there’s a couple of different things going on there with math concepts, but these executive functioning skills of planning and sequencing are absolutely part of it.

If your kid gets confused with the steps of an activity, like they are trying to get dressed, but they are doing things in an odd order. Right, like they maybe have put their pants on before they forgot to change their underwear and they have to like go back and do that again. That is an example of how this planning and sequencing can play out.

Now again, we can use short term strategies that are gonna help them. Like those are things like checklists and visual schedules, but we can also build these longer term skills. Now I wanna just say here that this episode is sponsored by Executive Functioning Week, which is a free virtual event we’re doing on April 13th.

That is coming up soon, depending on when you are listening to this. We are gonna be breaking out these executive functioning skills and really what they look like in everyday life, like struggling to transition between activities, struggling with following directions, and the real life implications that they have, and giving you clear, specific strategies you can start using.

We’re giving you see clear ways, clear ways to help right in the moment with that challenge. So when you’re in the middle of trying to help your kid get out the door, what can you do right in that moment? And then also, what can you be doing with them long term? I really wanna dig into some specific strategies here.

So I hope that you sign up and get a. Seat in executive functioning week. This is five days to decrease meltdowns and increase listening and follow through and following directions. It’s the first time we’ve ever done anything like this, so make sure that you grab a seat today. The link is in the show notes.

Okay, so back to our list here. So far we’ve covered self-control organization. Planning and sequencing. We have two more, and our last one is a big one that plays a role in just about everything, and I’m saving it for last so you can see how it all ties together. And then I wanna make sure that we talk about how we can really support our kids

in a big picture way. Are struggling with executive functioning and something that I’ve really seen in my own son. So let’s get into number four, which is time management, right? Another executive functioning skill, right? Sometimes we would just say again about people, oh my gosh, they have like no time management ability.

Wow. They are always running late. This is because of their executive functioning skills, not because of their personality. And so, what we see. Kids when they’re struggling with time management is that you are telling them, Hey, we are leaving. We are leaving to go to the doctor to even do something fun.

Like we’re going to the park, we are going to this amusement park, whatever. Even something really exciting. Hey, we have five minutes left. You know that your kid needs to get their shoes on, they need to grab their water or maybe fill up a water bottle. They need to clean up their toys. And maybe you even give them those reminders in that time period.

And you know, the five minutes comes and goes and they have just started to clean up their toys. It’s like they don’t have a sense. How much time they really have left or really what five minutes looks like. And so there starts to be this tension, I think, for us as parents when we’re working with kids, with our kids to, to help them do the next thing or to help them be done

and they’re not doing it. Another, another example that has happened in my home many times is when there is homework that needs to be done. They’re, you know, we check in, Hey, what homework do you have to do? Oh, I have this homework. Okay, great. When are, when are you gonna do that? So this is, this is an example of a support that I’m gonna give my kid right in this moment because I want him to start making a plan because this is planning ahead, which is part of our executive functioning skills that kind of goes with planning and sequencing.

So even when he gets home, I’m trying to help him develop this awareness of, oh, I do need to think about this because. He has worked really hard all day to try to focus. His executive functioning skills are being challenged all day long, so when he gets home, he wants total freedom, which is understandable and truth be told, I want that for him too.

I know that he really needs a significant break time now. Some kids do really great with transitioning right to that schoolwork, that homework, and getting it done so they don’t have to worry about it. For the rest of the day. I do think many of our neurodivergent kids really need a break. Not a hundred percent of the time, but many of them do.

And so for him, he comes home and then it’s completely out of his mind. So this one prompt is a way that I’m helping develop this planning on just a regular basis. Hey, when do you think would be a good time to do that? So I, it’s forcing him to stop and think about what he wants to do for the rest of the night, or perhaps what we have to do.

Like I may say, oh, remember we have your brother’s violin concert later, or. You have track practice or you know what? Whatever it is. I’m reminding him, oh, hey, okay. Do you remember you have that? Okay. So still sitting there thinking, and then he is having to come up with a plan for me. Oh, I’m gonna do it after dinner.

Okay, great. That’s a plan. So we’re working on one executive functioning skill there, but with the time management piece, I know that that’s still a pretty broad timeframe for him. And so I have learned that I need to usually give him another prompt, like, okay, when after dinner, is that like right after dinner?

Are you hoping to play? He’ll often say to me, I don’t know, and I can tell he’s kind of getting frustrated because I am probably pushing his executive functioning skills too far. I’m requiring him to think about things that are too much sequencing for him in that moment. So, okay, I back off. Then as dinner’s approaching, I do another reminder, Hey, remember after dinner we’re gonna do homework at some point.

And so it’s putting it on his mind. And I might at that moment say, Hey, when did you wanna do that? Now is probably a better time if not right after dinner, what’s the plan? And now sometimes he still has something else he wants to do. Well, I wanted to go ride my bike first, or I wanted to go do this, which.

Is super regulating. It might be a really good activity for him, but it’s at that time that I know that we really need to make a clear plan. We might even look at the clock. We might set a timer. Okay, we’re gonna do this. We’re gonna do it here. So now comes in the time management piece. I know that that homework may only take 10, 15, 20 minutes.

But it’s taking him way longer because of the time management. Now, the attention piece comes in here, how distracted is he getting? Uh, is he working efficiently? Is he making a guess at how long this is going to take him? Maybe not because of those executive functioning skills. Okay, so time management.

When you’re, you’re frequently seeing that your kid is taking way longer to do something or has more, more even accurately is they think something is going to take them a certain amount of time and it is not the right amount of time. Now, in younger kids, we don’t not see a lot of time management skills.

This is still. Barely developed in younger kids, which is why we give them so many supports, why we have to really kind of schedule their day, show them what’s coming, uh, be really clear about that because they, they don’t have a sense. And it’s also why routines and structures can be so beneficial, both for younger kids and for kiddos that have executive functioning challenges.

Okay, so that brings us to our last executive functioning skill that we’re gonna talk about, which is self-awareness. Now, self-awareness is a really, really big topic in terms of just being aware of our own actions and how they might affect somebody else. Being aware of how we’re presenting ourselves in the world, like, oh, like if I say this.

Uh, what is that going, what is somebody else potentially going to think about that? Okay. That’s sort of self-awareness. Self-awareness is also being aware of our thoughts and self-awareness is at the base of all of these executive functioning skills that we have talked about. It is one of the most important because when a child learns to be aware.

Of what they are thinking. Okay. Like they, I want you to really think about that a minute. ’cause it’s, it’s a little bit, it’s a little bit kind of meta to think about being aware of your own thoughts and that is we realize, oh, I am thinking about Pokemon or Paw Patrol, but I’m supposed to be. Doing my homework or I’m supposed to be cleaning up my toys, or I’m supposed to be eating dinner, or, oh my gosh.

Like, okay. Being self-aware of our feelings. I’m getting so angry and I wanna hit something right now. Okay. So when a kid becomes aware of that, it obviously has huge implications for their ability to have self-control. Right. Okay. And, and every other thing that we’ve talked about, if there’s an awareness of, whoa, everything looks so disorganized, that is such a helpful step in them even beginning to have any initiative of getting organized.

So self-awareness. Is huge and is often where I start working on. In fact, this is gonna be one of the first things that we talk about and get into with strategies inside of our first day of executive functioning week. That free challenge that is coming up very, very soon. So make sure that you’re grabbing your seat.

So I just, I just touched on what. I think is so important for kiddos that are struggling with executive functioning skills, and that is structure and routine. And I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope that that does not make you, cringe. I know for my fellow OTs and therapists that are listening, this is something we really lean into and I know for some of you listening as parents, that is not necessarily your personality.

Or how your brain is wired to be structured or routine. So I don’t want you to feel any anxiety with me saying that. ’cause I think structuring routine can look different for a lot of people and it is not necessarily following a really strict schedule. But it does mean having a routine, some kind of clear expectations and boundaries because this often.

Is not only just a support to those executive functioning skills for kids, but it helps them understand what they are supposed to be doing. Okay. Whether that’s I, it’s time to go to bed. It is time to eat. It is time to clean up. I, I will say, okay, of course, as an ot, like this is like OT 101, like this is one of the, the things that I probably remember the most learning in grad school and something that was very innate in all of my early sessions, even as, like a new therapist and of course continued, throughout my years of practice, I do tend to lean that way.

Personally, in my own life and so in my own home, that has certainly been true. But what’s been really interesting is I have wondered at times, especially before my son was diagnosed with ADHD. As his development was unfolding, I wasn’t sure, is this just executive functioning skills that are still developing or is this something more?

And so I was kind of closely trying to watch and observe him is this personality is, is this, is this a need? And at, at a younger age, that’s just not clear because these executive functioning skills are, are still so much in development. And so I noticed, you know, he tended to be messier. There tend to be a lot more disorganization, and there were times, even in early to mid elementary age, he’s in middle school now, that he would say to me, you know, mom, I like things being messy.

This is gr This feels great. You know, I’ve heard artists speak to that in, in my, in my life as well. By the way, he no longer says that, so I really did try to listen when he said that. I felt like he was really communicating something to me, and we tried to find some middle ground, particularly this would be around his messy bedroom.

Often this conversation and. What’s really interesting is I started to see that in school when he was in a more structured classroom, he was so much more successful in staying on top of homework. And, and, and let me be clear, I still see that now the classes he does better in where he is not really struggling to remember homework or missing assignments or doing well on tasks.

Are the classes that are very clear, that are very organized, that are very supportive. Sometimes his favorite teachers that are the most fun loving, that are really laid back and that he really loves are the classes that he struggles in the most academically. And I certainly have seen that within my own home when we have certain things that we’re struggling with around self-control.

If I, there’s a tendency, like I question myself sometimes. Is this something I wanna be more lax on for him and kind of flow with him a little bit more? It does seem to fall apart. Now again, this is my individual kid, but I do think that there are a lot of implications for our kids in this area with executive functioning skill challenges.

And the reason I’m bringing it up is because. I suspect that you too may wonder how much structure and routine do I put in? So what I wanna say is I don’t think it’s ever worth getting into a huge power struggle over, and it’s one of these areas that when you’re trying to set up structure and routine for your kid, and if they’re pushing back against that, that I think that there’s a lot of gray area on.

I don’t think it’s a black and white issue, that it’s like, Hey, this is our schedule and this is exactly how we have to follow it, and no matter what you say, this is what we’re doing, because ultimately I know it’s what’s best for you. I don’t think that’s the way for us to approach it, nor do I think on the other end of the spectrum where it’s like, oh gosh, you’re pushing back against structure and routine.

It’s kind of a struggle for me too. So we’re just not gonna have any, because I think that. We are not working on building executive functioning skills for them, and we have completely left out the supports to be able to help them do the things that they do. And here’s the other thing. When we use supports like checklists or planners or visual schedules or calendars or reminders, okay, when we do that for our kids, it is giving an immediate.

Solution, like right in that moment. But what it is also doing is it is teaching them to ultimately have that self-awareness that these tools are helpful for me and, and to start to eventually use them on their own. And that’s awesome. So, okay, we need to wrap up this executive functioning episode. I love executive functioning.

I think that there’s just so much confusion around kind of what it is, why it matters, and so I hope that this has cleared that up for you a little bit. Just to sum up, executive functioning matters for every kid because it’s developing all throughout childhood, and research shows us that kids with.

Anxiety kids. Kids with sensory processing difficulties. They’re a big sensory seeker. They’re have a lot of sensory sensitivities. Kids with ADHD kids with autism tend to have more significant challenges with executive functioning. So these are connected somehow in the brain that we don’t fully understand the, the concept, but there are clear and big correlations.

Okay. So, again, we have this awesome free event. It’s one of our, biggest and best resources we can give you to help with executive functioning. Those things like following directions, transitioning, big emotions. So I hope you get inside seat, inside executive functioning. Thank you so much for being here.

If this has been helpful to you, you have another topic you want us to talk about, let me know. I would love to hear from you. All right, friend. Until next time, see you then.